Two new movie trailers came out today, you guys, and they’re both really terrible! First, we have the trailer for the sequel to Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, which is a romantic comedy about the Most Magical Night of the Year. The first movie, Valentine’s Day, is one of the few movies I have ever turned off in disgust after only a few minutes. As you may know, I have a pretty high tolerance for watching bad movies, but oh brother, that one was unbearable. It felt like my brain was getting pulled out of my nose by an unhappy married couple that couldn’t stop fake laughing. The other trailer today is for the much-anticipated Peter Berg adaptation of the popular board game Battleship. Now, a round of applause for our boy Peter Berg for even managing to finish a whole movie based on the movie Battleship without just stopping two seconds in and saying “WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS A MOVIE BASED ON THE BOARD GAME BATTLESHIP AND THAT VERY PREMISE IS MAKING ME FEEL BOTH STUPID AND INSANE!” And let’s not have any confusion: I WILL end up seeing it in the theater, I’m sure. But what I’m going to be seeing in the theater looks terrible!
TO YOUR TRAILERSTATIONS!
New Year’s Eve trailer:
Oh wow yuck! “Some people swear there’s no beauty left in the world.” Right. People are constantly swearing that. It’s almost cliche now how often you hear that. Even better, of course, is that the counter-argument is…New Year’s Eve in Times Square? OH GOOD GRIEF, LET’S ALL JUST KILL OURSELVES. Can we please as a race of mammals finally agree that there is nothing romantic about one million of us crowding into an urban shopping mall surrounded by uniformed police officers in order to stand around in the cold waiting for the clock to strike a particular hour of a particular day with periodic breaks to use a porta-potty? If that’s what you want to do for fun, that’s fine, please knock yourself out (because you can’t see anything because your 2012 sunglasses are too dark) but it’s not any kind of idealized vision of any world that any of us should want to live in. It’s a living nightmare! LET’S GET MARRIED!
HHAHAHAHAHAHA. “Which weapons should I fire, sir?” “ALL OF THEM.” This movie looks even dumber than I would have thought, and I already thought it was going to look pretty dumb. So the premise is that the aliens put a forcefield down in the Pacific Ocean and the Army HAS TO play Battleship with them? “You sunk my spaceship!” Can’t wait for that part. “You sunk my spaceship!” Hahaha. Again. “You sunk my spaceship!” Also, quick question: I’m a coward and a Communist, but is the Navy’s policy when dealing with an unknown foreign ship in the waters just off the coast of the United States really just to have some dude walk on it and touch everything? I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
So, you be the blog: which one is MORE terrible?!