Gillian Jacobs walked in the door and dumped her bag on a chair. She couldn’t believe what had happened at work today! She kicked off her shoes and took off her socks, the sweet relief of the disappearance of this minor repression seeming to rush all the way up to her brain in an instant. Already, she felt better. She walked to the kitchen where she found her longtime girlfriend, Allison Brie, sitting at the island, poking away at a laptop. Gillian opened the fridge and found a cold beer, popped it open and leaned back against the refrigerator door. She let out a long sigh of relief. “You’re not going to believe what happened to me at work today,” she said.
“Oh yeah?” Allison Brie didn’t look up from her computer.
Gillian stared at her for a moment and took another sip of her beer. Then she continued. “This guy stole my Yoplait from the mini-fridge even though it had my name on it. And when I confronted him about it he said that he just assumed no one wanted it and I was like why would someone put their name on it if they didn’t want it but it didn’t matter because he’d already finished it but it was like, I was really counting on that Yoplait in the afternoon, you know?”
“Yeah,” Allison Brie said.
Gillian Jacobs gave her the finger. Allison Brie didn’t notice.
“Seriously?” Gillian snapped. “Hey!” Allison Brie continued to stare blankly at the computer screen in front of her. Gillian Jacobs walked over and slammed the laptop shut.
“What the hell?!” Allison Brie shot daggers.
“I just got home from a long day at work and all I want is to have five minutes to decompress and unwind with my girlfriend but you can’t be bothered? What was so important on the computer that you couldn’t listen to my story?”
“OK, well, first of all, I was looking at a Tumblr that is all pictures of dogs wearing sunglasses. And second of all, I heard your story. It was about yogurt and it was boring.”
“What’s for dinner?”
“I don’t know. What do you want?”
“I thought we could figure it out together.”
“We are figuring it out together.”
The whole time all of this is happening, by the way, both women are wearing sexy lingerie.
“You know, it would be nice if we could not fight about SOMETHING for once,” Gillian Jacobs said.
“I’m not the one who is fighting. You are the one who came in here and started yelling at me and slamming laptops shut. Did you offer me a beer? Did you ask about my day?”
Gillian felt a small pang of shame.
“OK, that’s fair. I’m sorry. Would you like a beer?”
“How was your day?”
Gillian Jacobs clenched and unclenched her fist. Allison Brie opened up her laptop.
Allison Brie brushed a loose strand of hair from her eyes, revealing a severely furrowed brow. Gillian Jacobs was staring at her own feet. The two of them were at opposite ends of the couch. In the background, some television show that neither of them was particularly interested in, but which seemed to be the only thing they could agree on, played softly. A barely touched meal of leftover Chinese food grew cold on the coffee table. It had been almost half an hour since a word had been spoken. Finally, unable to take it anymore, Allison grabbed an old New Yorker from the floor and threw it at Allison.
“What was that for?”
“I don’t know. Pay attention to me.”
Gillian Jacobs began to massage Allison Brie’s feet.
There was an advertisement on television for some kind of cream.
Gillian Jacobs didn’t say anything. As far as she was concerned, if you tried looking for a better parking spot you ended up spending just as much time driving in circles around the lot as it would take to get out of the car and walk, but Allison always insisted on trying to find something as near to the doors as possible. Whatever. Gillian had long ago learned to pick her battles and this was not one of them. She did, however, keep her eye on the clock and noticed that they spent six minutes driving around, with Allison getting visibly frustrated and muttering things at other cars under her breath. Even when they did find a spot, the woman leaving was having trouble getting out, or maybe her car just didn’t have a tight enough turning radius, but it took her a little longer, and Allison banged on the steering wheel. “LET’S GO, YOU FUCKING CUNT!”
“Allie, relax,” Gillian said.
“You relax,” Allison said, then seemed to instantly regret it. Not that she apologized. “People shouldn’t be allowed to have driver’s licenses if they can’t even get in and out of a goddamned parking spot.”
“Well, there, she’s out. Can she have her license back, officer?”
“I’m just saying.”
It was crowded at Bed Bath and Beyond. Gillian just wanted to get in, buy the new coffee maker, and get out, but Allison insisted on doing the whole tour just in case there was something they needed for the house that they weren’t thinking of. Like what, Gillian had started to ask, but then she’d just dropped it. If Allison wanted to buy a new set of sheets or some guest towels for the upstairs bathroom, what did it hurt? But after an hour of this, Gillian was at the breaking point. She didn’t say anything, but Allison could see it in her face.
“Hey,” Allison said, “let’s get out of here.”
“You sure?” Gillian asked. “We haven’t even looked at window treatments yet.”
“Haha very funny. Come on, let’s go. We can stop at Barnes and Noble on the way home and see if the new magazines are in.”
Gillian Jacobs did love to stop at Barnes and Noble on the way home and see if the new magazines are in.
“Oh,” Allison added, “and I was thinking sushi for dinner.”
Gillian Jacobs looked at Allison Brie. She was smiling. She was beautiful. Gillian Jacobs smiled back. They held hands in the Bed, Bath and Beyond checkout line and whispered jokes to each other about other customer’s odd purchases. They groped and made out with each other in their lingerie and rubbed whipped cream on each other’s nipples and stuck their thumbs in their underpants. Later Gillian would almost smash her phone to pieces when Allison told her that she wasn’t going to make it to the gallery opening that she’d promised a month ago she would go to, and Allison would roll on her side in bed and present Gillian with her seething back when Gillian said one night that she didn’t care what entertainment console they got for the living room which was not about an entertainment console but just about being committed towards building a life together in every way. But for now, on this Sunday afternoon, in their panties, everything was just right.