Look, I’m not going to lie to you, Buddies.
Being given my membership card to The Very Cool Club For Once And Future Videogum Bloggers was one of the most exciting moments of my life. Even when Soft Gabe and the cast of “Bob’s Burgers” held me down so that Lindsey could sit on my chest and do that pretending-to-spit-on-your-face-but-then-sucking-it-up-at-the-last-minute thing, I was so happy to be included, though that was a bummer. Not cool, TVCCFOAFVB-ers. Not cool.
And, of course, I’d be lying if I said that the adoration of the Videogum community, and the envy of my peers, weren’t very, very satisfying. What an ego boost! Please, though, stop sending me Edible Arrangements, Steve Winwood. I really hate melon. (I wouldn’t say no to one entirely composed of chocolate covered strawberries.)
What is not obvious from the outside is the huge weight of responsibility that sits squarely on one’s shoulders as a new, temporary but very well-loved, member of the internet news community. As the press releases and tips pour in, we have to choose what we think is the most meaningful story. From the outside, my life might seem pretty exciting, with the blog celebrity and being voted Best Hair of San Rafael High School senior class in 1996, but I don’t really get that much email in my day to day life, and getting so much email, about things that not everyone knows about yet, made me feel so important, and part of something meaningful. Baller, shot-caller, over here, guys! Want to know what’s going on with Lindsey Lohan’s legal situation? SUCKS TO BE YOU, NON-BLOGGER LOSERS.
Of course, hubris aside, I realize, this is not my news, to hoard like Smaug on top of a pile of treasure, guys. (Cool reference, Kira!) I am just a conduit. And so, as Temporary CEO of Videogum Enterprises, through the course of the day I am going to share with you a few stories that I think are important, but which might have gone uncovered by Gabe. Not all of them are brand new, but all of them are worth noting.
STEVEN TYLER HAS A HUGE PENIS. (Video is obviously NSFW, sillies. It’s about huge rock star genitals.)
Congratulations, Mr. Tyler! You must be so proud! To earn the admiration of someone like Steven Adler must make you very, very happy.
(I think Steven Tyler also has a book out and he’s on a show or something? I don’t know. I don’t watch TV or read newspapers or books or anything except press releases now.)
Oh, and also, Duh Aficionado Magazine has a fascinating blurb this month about how Steven Adler is a one man cautionary tale about the perils of drugs. You should read it! It was short, but meaningful, which is also what she said.
Thanks in advance to TMZ for the access to these stories.