The 19 Best Charlie Sheen Quotes Which You Trolls Probably Can’t Even Process

Well, a lot has happened since last we spoke. For one thing, Two and a Half Men has shut down production for the rest of the season. Heartbreaking, I’m sure. The reason for the immediate change in strategy, despite all of Charlie Sheen’s previous bold and courageous attempts to get himself fired/killed, was a radio interview that he did yesterday, and HOLY MOLY, if you haven’t listened to it yet, you must listen to it. We’ll wait. What a coconut! There are some really great segments, like his discussion of the tattoo that he got in his private movie theater while watching Apocalypse Now, and also his blistering(ly retarded) assault on Two and Half Men creator Chuck Lorre, who he continuously refers to as “Hymie Lorre,” which is neat. (Hey, remember this?) Also his use of the word “gnarlies.” Since the radio interview, Charlie has already challenged Chuck Lorre to fight him in a cage, and also issued a formal letter in which he talks about his “fire-breathing fists.” Eek! Even your wonderful disguise probably can’t help you now, Charlie Sheen!

Obviously, we will all continue to follow this exciting and IMPORTANT news story, but for now, let’s relive the magic of yesterday’s radio interview with this collection of the 19 best Charlie Sheen quotes which you maggot trolls with your ugly lives probably can’t even wrap your stupid minds around buh bye:

  • “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.”
  • “Winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”
  • “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”
  • “I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’.”
  • “Look what I’m dealing with, man, I’m dealing with fools and trolls.”
  • “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.”
  • “They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say “I CAN’T PROCESS IT,” well, no, you never will, just stop trying. Sit back and enjoy the show.”
  • “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”
  • “Check it, Alex, I embarrassed (Two and a Half Men creator, Chuck Lorre) in front of his children and the world by healing at a rate that his unevolved mind can’t process.”
  • “I’m sorry man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro.”
  • “Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye.”
  • “I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”
  • “There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper.”
  • “I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen.”
  • “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”
  • “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
  • “I dare anyone to debate me on things.”
  • “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”
  • “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

Cramazing. If Charlie would just throw ONE Holocaust denial in there I think he could oust Mel Gibson as the mayor of Crazy Town on Foursquare!