Who Is The Next Top Homeless Person?!

By Gabe Delahaye / January 7, 2011

Ted Williams, you guys. America’s #1 bum. He was reunited with his 90-year-old mother yesterday. (She said that she hoped he wouldn’t disappoint her this time. EEEEEK!) Last night he appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Roger Ebert just Twittered at him trying to put him on another show. Something about Jack Nicholson? But all of that is OLD SNOOZE. Been there, done that, GOT THE THREE LAYERS OF JACKETS. It’s time to find a new homeless person for America to celebrate. Now, personally, if I was in charge of leading the search, I’d try to find one with a different talent. It just seems kind of ridiculous to try and find another homeless person with a gift for voiceover work. But that opinion is not shared by the FOX 59 Ohio news team, who scoured the streets of Indianapolis to see if there was another homeless person with a golden voice. Or at least one who didn’t mind having a microphone shoved in their mouth and their face used as a “charming” community interest piecer of garbage “journalism.” That’s the thing about homeless people, though, where are they going to go? You’ll get your scoop alright.

“No surprise she hasn’t heard of overnight sensation, Ted Williams.” Right. You know. BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE BEING FUCKING HOMELESS THING. My favorite part, though, well, parts, plural, are when the reporter refuses to let the homeless lady stop singing. SCOOP’D. Is there a Pulitzer Prize for being an obnoxiously persistent jerk with a very clear and miserable agenda? DING DING DING WINNER ALARM WINNER ALARM! Boy, I am really starting to hate this whole thing a lot! (Thanks for the tip, Alex.)