Dear Clay Duke Surveillance Tape,
For those who don’t know who/what you are, you are surveillance camera footage from a school board conference room in Panama, Florida, in which a mentally disturbed man named Clay Duke enters the room, spray-paints a “V for Vendetta” symbol on the wall, pulls a gun, and proceeds to take aim and fire at the sitting members of the town’s school board before killing himself. Oh, and you are EVERYWHERE today. Like, Paul Scheer posted you on his blog for God’s sake. Paul Scheer! From F/X’s The League! I’m writing you today to ask you a question: why? What is the point of people posting and watching you? Why are you so unavoidable, you creep?
At this point, it should be clear to most people that we live in an over-crowded world collapsing upon itself. There are too many people here, and a lot of them are sick. It’s sad when you think about it. Is that why you are so busy today, Clay Duke Surveillance Tape? Do you somehow make people feel better about the nightmare of life by rubbing their face right in it? Or is your meaning much less…meaningful? Perhaps it is just that people like to see horror written on the faces of others in an unimaginable moment of existential crisis because it makes their cubicle that much more tolerable, at least between now and lunch. I suppose some people might argue that you are “news,” but let’s be honest, Clay Duke Surveillance Tape, you are NOT news. News is a short, tragic description of your contents. News is a quiet and respectful account of the sadness that transpired. You are sadness/horror/nightmare porno, that is what you are. Here comes the pizza delivery guy, and he’s got a giant death wish.
But there are some of us, Clay Duke Surveillance Tape, who say no. We say no to you. We won’t even post a link to a place where people might find you. They are welcome to look it up, but as they do, they will be forced to consider why, exactly, they find that necessary. There are some of us who do not think it is being a Moral Scold to simply suggest that the world could do with a little less sadness/horror/nightmare porno. Things are hard enough out here. They are scary and confusing enough. You’re not helping.
Cut it out?
A Human Being