In light of last night’s premiere of Conan O’Brien’s new talk show, the Internet has been humming with news of his debut ratings and how they compare to Jay Leno’s and David Letterman’s numbers. Snore me a river. Conan scored a 2-point-fart and is very popular among 9-year-old divorcees making less than 13 animal crackers a year! I don’t know. Literally millions of people watched his show, just as millions of people watched Jay Leno and David Letterman. Who cares! The weird thing is that while today’s focus is on Conan’s ratings, the numbers-based ratings competition between late night hosts is reported on constantly all over the place as if they aren’t all millionaires hosting highly successful programs on gigantic networks owned by international media conglomerates and weapons manufacturers. I just seriously don’t understand. Sure, people have favorite late night hosts and everyone enjoys a friendly rivalry, but the fact that David Letterman beat Jay Leno among mixed race women in the Mountain Time Zone for three days last week just seems painfully beside the point. People don’t take sides based on who is winning or losing this stupid race, they take sides based on who they like to watch. And winning or losing the stupid race certainly doesn’t make the shows any better, as Jay Leno has proven for decades, so, so what? THE WORLD IS BURNING, YOU GUYS! It’s one thing for Nikki Finke to wear out a pair of panties getting the word out about this BREAKING BUSINESS NEWS, but why do regular pop culture outlets intended for general funtimes enthusiasts like me and you also provide this thoroughly dry and meaningless statistical data? cut it out!
So, please, I encourage you to sign the petition to END REPORTING of the LATE NIGHT RATINGS RACE. It’s super boring. Enough is enough. We’re wasting precious time talking about this when Khloe Kardashian’s boob might be popping out of her shirt at a Starbucks RIGHT NOW!