We open at the RV camp on the outskirts of Atlanta. The lovable old man who will definitely die at some point in the very near future is still in his perch atop the RV looking out at whatever it is he is always looking at with his binoculars. “I think I see a zombie, no, wait, it’s just a red-crested warbler.” A young woman walks by wearing white pants. Wait a second, young woman, are you kidding me? It is the Zombie Apocalypse. RULE #1 OF THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: NO WHITE PANTS! Ignore this warning and you will find yourself writing the most embarrassing letter to Zombie Seventeen magazine’s “Zombie-Trauma-Rama” section. “I saw the zombie I had a crush on but just then I started getting my period in my disgustingly grimey white pants. I wanted to die. And then I did.” Grimes’s wife goes out into the woods looking for mushrooms. You know how it is. You’re in the midst of a zombie attack and it’s just like “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO PUT ON THE PIZZA?!” The old man tells her to stay where he can see her. You know, because of how there are zombies everywhere? She’s like, “you got it old man,” and the immediately walks very deep into the forest where no one can see her. Ugh. Just make her a zombie already, zombies. There is a sound. What was that? There is another sound. WHAT WAS THAT?! Oh, it is just Grimes’s former partner, looking for some secret forest sex. Well, good. This way the zombies can kill two jerks with one bite. Grimes’s wife pauses from her aggressive undressing of Grimes’s partner to take off the locket and wedding ring that she wears around her neck. Then she turns over to get fucked from behind. Look, lady, either wear the locket and wedding ring like you mean it, or don’t wear it at all. Not really sure how it changes the fact that you are just getting RAILED in the middle of Zombie Mountain by your possibly dead husband’s best friend when you should be collecting PRECIOUS MUSHROOMS.
Meanwhile: Grimes is in the tank. The sarcastic kid chills for a second because at the end of the day, when a dude is trapped in a tank swarming with “grinders” (?) (are they calling them grinders now?) (when did everyone start calling them grinders?) you have to drop the ‘tude at least long enough to help him make a run for it. The kid tells Grimes that the zombies are distracted by eating his horse, so all he has to do is make a run for it to the alley and the kid will meet him there and they will escape to safety. Sounds easy enough. Not exactly sure why the dozen or so zombies that we JUST SAW crawling all over the top of the tank have stopped doing that, since it makes it much easier for Grimes to escape, but they stopped doing that, so Grimes escapes. He runs down the alley and the zombies are chasing the and he’s popping them in the face with his Beretta like POP POP POP. He only has 15 bullets and there are literally a million zombies chasing him, so not exactly sure what even the point is, but as someone who has never followed a sarcastic kid on a walkie talkie’s instructions for escaping from a tank surrounded by zombies because of zombies being distracted by eating a horse, I’ll just accept that everyone’s making the smartest decisions.
Grimes gets to the alley and once again, it looks like all hope is lost, but then he meets Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It’s weird that Short Round’s outfit grew in direct proportion to his body, but it is also FACT.
They climb up a ladder and JUST IN TIME, too. The zombies are like “WE WANT TO EAT YOUR ANKLESSSSS!” Short Round introduces Grimes to his MySpace Top 8. They’re all like “gun pointed at your head.” It turns out that when Grimes shot those bullets at those zombie faces he “rang the dinner bell” and now all the zombies are outside the department store. (Also: haha, of course, department store. WHERE ELSE?) Also, here’s a fun fact: zombies know how to use bricks as tools. Clever ungirl. Just then, there are gunshots from the roof, where a racist is sniping black zombies. Which means that he is re-ringing the dinner bell, right? So let’s all cut Grimes some slack. At least his dinner bell wasn’t RACIST. Everyone runs up to the roof and the racist gets real racist. He says the word “nigger.” Whoa. The black guy is wearing a reverse Kangol hat and an oversized shirt that says “Brooklyn” even though they are in downtown Atlanta, so perhaps The Walking Dead’s costume designer is also racist?
NO TIME FOR THAT, IT’S CIVIL WAR. The racist is taking over. Oh, whoops, no he’s not. Grimes gets him. Classic Grimes. Good job, Grimes.
Grimes handcuffs him to a pipe and explains that there is no place for racism in a Zombie Apocalypse. Haha, sure. In a weird way, of course, you’re kind of validating his racism by even suggesting that there was EVER a time where it was appropriate, but again, we do not need to dwell on this because the zombies have already smashed through the first window of the department store vestibule. They need to get out of there. “We can’t get through all these zombies,” someone says. “What if we went UNDER the zombies,” Grimes counters. That’s why he’s Grimes! Dude thinks outside the bun. Then one lady is like “skyscrapers such as this one always have separate entrance-ways into the sewer system in case of flooding. I know this because I used to be a zoning planner for the city’s department of Urban Planning.” Whoa. She just weirdly became very useful in the moment, and also proved that she will never be useful again. I mean, on the one hand, it’s very cool that her old life turned out to be essential in providing a possible escape route in a moment of need, but she also just tapped out ALL her knowledge about anything.
Also: the sewers are filled with zombies, so forget it.
She can die now.
Back on the roof, the black dude is guarding the racist, who is trying to convince him to let him go. “I was only being racist to you because of my racism,” he argues. “You should let me go because I don’t want to be handcuffed to this pipe.” Rest your case, racist! He seriously makes the worst arguments. Even for a racist, he is pretty dumb.
At one point, Grimes is talking to this blonde lady about an incredibly hideous dolphin pendant that she just knows her sister would love (because in the midst of a Zombie Apocalypse one’s enthusiasm for shitty costume jewelry doesn’t just disappear) and he asks her why she doesn’t just take it, and she explains that there is a cop watching her. That is hilarious, because of when earlier she had no problem POINTING A GUN AT A COP’S FACE. But, you know, dolphin jewelry: the perfect crime. She takes the jewelry.
(Incidentally the blonde lady’s dolphin-jewelry-loving sister is over at the RV camp. As is the racist’s brother. And Grimes’s wife. And Grimes’s son. And Grimes’s partner. And who knows who else. It’s all very convenient, if you think about it!)
Off in the distance, there are some trucks parked by a construction site. They just need to get to those trucks. But how?! The thing about zombies is that they can smell humans because zombies smell dead and humans smell alive. Oh, Grimes knows (again: Grimes!). He will just chop up a zombie’s corpse with an axe and then he will smear that zombie’s guts all over his new Burberry trenchcoat. Then he will tie a pair of zombie feet around Short Round’s neck, and they’ll simply stagger into Mordor.
You have to admit, the staggering is the most hilarious part. Like, either the zombies can smell you or the zombies cannot smell you, but I do not think that the zombies know the difference between staggering or just walking slowly. They’re fucking zombies. But so Grimes and Short Round stagger so hard. No one on the corner has stagger like them. Um, and then the foley artist gives just the hint, just a whisper, the tiniest, faintest tingle of a thunder sound. UGH ARE YOU SERIOUS? Hold on, just before we go any further, if it starts raining and washing off the zombie guts and the zombies can smell them I’m going to be so pissed. Just then: it starts raining and washing off the zombie guts and the zombies can smell them. BOOOOOOO. They run and just manage to get over the fence in time. One zombie climbs the fence after them? I’m becoming increasingly unclear on what zombies can and cannot do. I guess they come in all undead shapes and undead sizes.
Anyway, they need a distraction so that Grimes can rescue everyone from the department store. So they steal a sports car and Short Round drives it around making a distraction. It sure was easy stealing that sports car after it being so hard stealing that truck. The zombies have gotten inside the department store. Everyone’s rushing to escape off the roof, but the racist is still handcuffed. The black guy realizes that it’s not right to leave him up there to die, even if he is a racist, so he goes back to unlock him, and that is when he trips and a CGI key flips through the air in slow motion and falls down the tiniest hole in the tiniest pipe. AHHAHAHHAAH. No. I’m sorry, what just happened? PLEASE UNCUFF MY BRAIN FROM THIS INTENSE FEELING OF DISAPPOINTMENT!
Guys, I’m worried about The Walking Dead. Anyway, the black dude runs away, the racist screams, the black dude padlocks the roof doors so that the zombies can’t get up there, but also he is still leaving a human being handcuffed to a pipe on the roof of a skyscraper in the middle of a wasteland, so even if the zombies can’t get up there, he’ll still just die of starvation which is a really gruesome way to die, so relax with the padlock, black dude, you’re not doing anyone any favors.
Everyone piles into Grimes’s truck and just in time, too. Phew. That was a close call. I had a feeling everyone was going to get bitten by zombies and the screen was just going to say “Thank you for watching our two-part mini-series. Goodnight.” (The cool thing about the screen saying that is it just SOUNDS like something a screen would say based on what the screen has said in the past.) “Where’s Short Round” someone asks.
Oh, he is just out joy-riding. Obvs.
Next week: fist fights! Also more zombies, duh.