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True Blood S03E09: All The Vampire News That’s Fit To Werewolves

Gabe Delahaye | August 16, 2010 - 12:15 pm

Vampire Eric runs into his Vampire Bar and tells his Vampire Friend Pam that they have to Vampire Run, because the Vampire King is going to Vampire Kill them for what Eric Vampire Did to the Vampire King’s Vampire Boyfriend. But his friend Vampire Pam tells him that there’s no time to Vampire Escape, because the VAMPIRE SWAT TEAM is here. Oh boy. This show wastes less and less time getting to the part where you’re reminded that it is INSANE. The Vampire Mayor or whoever the FUCK is like, “Silver Him!” and a Vampire SWAT Team Vampire Member walks up and puts silver on Eric’s shoulder and he is like “Ow!” and Vampire Pam Vampire Screams, and we cut to the opening credits, but people get “silvered” on this show pretty regularly, so I’m not that impressed, and also when we come back from the credits, it seems like the whole “silvering” thing is pretty much already forgotten? And Eric is healed from his awful “silvering”? So I don’t know what all the screaming is about. Time for a Vampire Interrogation! Or should I say, time for a Vampire Fangterrogation?!

So, basically, Vampire Eric is trying to explain to the Vampire League of Extraordinary Vampires that the King is dangerous and evil or something. The lady is like “hold on, let me make sure these webcams are on.” WEBCAMS!

But no one will Vampire Listen to Vampire Eric’s Vampire Warnings. They make him sleep in the bar in TRAVEL COFFINS (remember? Never Forget) and he is so sad and Pam is so sad and the Vampire King is so sad about his boyfriend who is blood soup now and everyone is upset and sad and angry and happy. Which once again raises the question:

HUH?!

This show keeps telling us over and over again that vampires don’t have any emotions, because they’re dead and they can’t have them, but then vampires are super duper emotional. SORRY, PLEASE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF CONSISTENCY IN THE VAMPIRE UNIVERSE, THANKS. Is it blood tears or is it NO TEARS? Figure it out, please, adult human beings who actually write this show for a living.

Meanwhile, Jason is having trouble with that weird looking Skeletor lady and her Meth Family, and Sam is having trouble with his brother who is also a puppy, and Lafayette is in gay love, and there is a fight at the bar and Sam goes crazy, and Hoyt and Jessica, and Tara therapy. You know how it is. Just a normal number of plotlines going on.

Bill and Sookie are back together. Yay? She tells Bill that it’s creepy that he kept a file on her family, and he’s like “it was the only way to protect you.” Sure, Bill. “These old newspaper clippings hastily thrown into a manilla envelope will save you from vampires and werewolves!” Then he goes to sleep and he has a dream back in Sookie’s secret, magic Herbal Essences commercial.

Some Dream Lesbian accuses him of killing Sookie, which is all kinds of complicated but I don’t even feel like thinking about it, so we’ll just assume that it makes sense, and he explains that he’s trying to protect her. Well, first he gets an Herbal Essences Face Blast:

Then he says that he needs to know what Sookie is, and the lady is like “NO WAY, THESE ARE OUR PRECIOUS SECRETS,” but a couple minutes later, Bill tells Sookie that he knows what she is, so I guess it wasn’t that hard. That dream lesbian gives up her lesbian shampoo secrets far too easily. The secret of what Sookie is provides this week’s cliffhanger. OMG! I wonder what she is?! Just kidding. I don’t care. SPOILER ALERT: “Sookie, you are a make believe thing that should not be of any importance to adults.”

Also this:

“I’m Vampire as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” Or whatever.