Videogum

Raising The Stakes On The Unstoppable Train

Gabe Delahaye | August 6, 2010 - 11:45 am

Unstoppable trailer*, you guys:

Pfft! Eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals and 150 schoolchildren headed for collision? WAKE ME UP WHEN THERE IS A REAL DISASTER THAT NEEDS AVERTING. If you’re going to make an exciting action movie, you’ve got to raise the stakes. Drama 101. “This guy just gets it” — Andy Chekov. Here’s what I’m thinking:

  • Eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals
  • 150 schoolchildren
  • A prison transport carrying 1,000,000 of the world’s most dangerous and elusive criminals
  • A woman pregnant with twins going into labor who is about to learn that her husband was killed in Iraq on a gurney being rolled across the tracks for some reason
  • The handwritten cure for cancer in the breast pocket of a drunk man stumbling
  • A warehouse full of Shiba Inu puppies that was accidentally built at the switch point for four different train tracks
  • A stalled rental car with the Dalai Lhama, Bono, Jimmy Carter, and Rachel Bilson inside (TWIST: they did not buy supplemental insurance)
  • A cargo shipment of fresh lettuce
  • Train Force One

All headed towards each other at 150 billion miles per second. Now THAT is a TRAINWRECK!

*Also, how fucking obnoxious and insulting is it that Tony Scott made a million dollars by selling a fucking punchline of an SAT question as an action movie plot? “Based on a true AP Exam math problem.” Fuck Hollywood in the face until it dies.