“You reap what you sow. What goes around comes around. No matter how far you run, you can never truly escape. Everything catches up to you in the end, and when it does, it usually kicks your ass.” So says the opening voice over in the season 3 finale of Gossip Girl. Good string of bland platitudes! My favorite thing about that string of bland platitudes is that it had the right number of bland platitudes in it. Any fewer and I probably wouldn’t have understood what she was talking about. But by the fourth one I definitely STARTED to get it. Like Lost, I am sure viewers will be puzzling over this opening voice over for years after the show ends. Speaking of Lost, did anyone else notice how at multiple points in last night’s episode Blair would say things like “We have to get off this island!”? Relax, Gossip Girl. There is no mystery to you. No one has any questions. And when you do finally go off the air, it will only be a cultural event insofar as we will experience a momentary sigh of relief before forgetting that this whole thing ever happened in the first place. Juliette did it! The bomb worked!
In any case, the episode’s opening voice over is a lie. Because on this show you do not reap what you sow. What goes around does not come around. And when things catch up to you, they just refill your glass of scotch.
Rufus doesn’t know what to do about Jenny, who is suddenly considered out of control. Wait, what? I mean, last year she ran away from home and dropped out of school. This year she sold drugs and tried to rape Nate. At what point was she IN control? Oh, but so, Jenny spent the night with Nate while Serena spent the night with Dan. OH NO! But they are all teenagers in casual, three-week-old romantic relationships! What will happen to their casual, three-week-old romantic adolescent relationships that literally don’t mean ANYTHING whatsoever? Meanwhile, Chuck has given Blair an ultimatum to meet him at the top of the Empire State Building at 7 o-clock or he will “close [his] heart to [her] forever.” Later, he will claim that he did “the most romantic thing” he could think of. Sure. Because melodramatic pop-culture-referential romantic ultimatums with deadlines and threats are super romantic. SWOON, I’M SURE.
Blair, of course, can’t keep her shit together. At brunch with her mom and Wallace Shawn (bagel with lox in hand because JEW) she is like “All I know is that I hate the Empire State Building.” Ugh. GET A GRIP, BLAIR. Dorota is like “the Empire State Building loves you, and you would hate to not have the Empire State Building in your life.” Ugh. You, too, Dorota? Is it possible for a baby in utero to poison the mother’s brain? Blair demands that Dorota keep her away from the Empire State Building all day, because this is a show about cartoon characters in a world drawn by confused and lonely children.
Meanwhile, Jenny sees Dan and Serena in bed together and decides that this is just what she needs to get Nate’s dick in her mouth. I mean, sorry, that is super crude. But you know what else is crude? This show. In particular, it is kind of gross that Jenny would post a gossip blast about her own brother in order to further her own bizarre romantic interest in her ex-boyfriend, but it is equally odd that Dan spent the night in bed with his STEP-SISTER. And on and on. Until everyone’s got Nate’s dick in their mouth. Because this show won’t stop fucking us in the face.
Dan wakes up and solves the case.
Encyclopedia Clown over here. I take it back, this show is full of mysteries like Lost. For starters, WHO WRITES THEIR NAME ON THEIR DISPOSABLE COFFEE CUP IN SHARPIE? And for seconders, WHO ELSE DID DAN THINK TOOK A CELL PHONE PICTURE OF HIM IN HIS ROOM SLEEPING AND SENT IT TO A GOSSIP WEBSITE THAT ONLY HE AND SIX OF HIS FRIENDS CARE ABOUT? “For awhile, I thought it was Rufus. Or the Korean guy who owns the bodega on the corner. But those turned out to be red herrings.” Dan. Hate him.
So now Serena’s relationship with Nate is on the rocks. Good. Nate deserves better. Seriously. He is the only character on this show with any kind of moral center. It’s a gooey, tepid moral center, but it is a moral center nevertheless. Fast forward to later in the hospital (long story, boring story, Dorota story) and Nate and Serena break up in the cafeteria. She is like “I just need some time to figure things out.” Good idea, Serena. You should definitely take some time to figure things out. In the ocean. Jump into the ocean and swim to the bottom. Maybe there will be answers there! “You are a fucking asshole” — fish. Later on, when she is getting ready to go to Paris with Blair, because this show is basically a joke, Blair reminds her that she didn’t go to college and hasn’t had a job all year, so she’s not really sure what MORE time there is for her to take to figure things out. It’s true. There are only 24-hours of free time in a day. Although Serena has been using most of them BEING A BITCH.
Dan is in love with Serena now again? He can have her. They should go live in a shoe at the bottom of the ocean. I hope they have a bunch of slug babies and raise a family of stupid garbage slugs. And I hope they fight all the time and fuck each other’s parents.
Blair gives in and goes to the Empire State Building because she loves the Empire State Building and wants the Empire State Building in her life. But she is too late. The flowers are in the trash can, and Mr. Chuck is nowhere to be found. Ooooh, maybe he jumped off the building! Oh, no luck. He is back at his hotel, fucking Jenny Humphrey. Hahahah. What? I mean, I know that Chuck loves to GET IT WET. And as we were told at the beginning of the episode, what goes around comes around, and Chuck did try to rape Jenny Humphrey in the first episode of season one. (So does that mean this is the last episode, please?) But also that took, like, 10 minutes. Also, at one point, Blair was not going to go to the building anyway because she felt a duty to stay with Dorota while she was having her baby. You know how it is when you are a Russian housemaid and your boss’s daughter and ALL OF HER FRIENDS and EVEN SOME OF HER ENEMIES come to your hospital room while you are having a baby, maybe because there is no doctor in there?
Would someone call a doctor? Just kidding, I DON’T CARE. But my point is, if Blair has decided she loves Chuck and wants to be with him, HOW ABOUT CALLING CHUCK. I’m pretty sure that he would be amenable. “Hey, sorry I can’t make it to the top of the Empire State Building, but that’s retarded, and I am in love with you like an adult, not like a Nora Ephron character. So let’s just be in love now.” Instead, she does not call him. She just shows up. And Chuck is like WHOOOOOPS. Because Jenny is in the other room, BLEEDING FROM HER VAGINA. (I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. But you know who SHOULD BE SORRY? Josh Schwartz. Get him!)
Eventually, everyone finds out. Dan punches Chuck. Blair threatens Jenny. Serena farts super loud. Rufus goes to jail. Lily gets cancer for real this time. Georgina something something. Dorota baby. Nate hair. WHATEVER. When Dan finds out that Serena is going to Paris, HE LOGS ONTO AIRFRANCE.COM. Right. Definitely. Georgina shows up wearing the fat suit from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps and tells him that she is pregnant. Nate starts having hooker sex with some of the ugliest girls ever, seriously, no offense if either of them somehow end up reading this, but you were weird looking and it kind of seemed like maybe your dad pulled some strings to get you on this show and I bet Chace Crawford made you eat a whole tin of Altoids before kissing you.
But of course the real cliffhanger: Chuck Bass gets shot in Prague and the wedding ring he was going to give to Blair is stolen from him.
WE ARE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER LOL.
We are also going to need a bigger coffin. Because I’m sure that Chuck is dead, just like this show is dead. Next season he’ll probably be CAGE FIGHTING THE ANGELS. Enough. Put them all in the ground. REST IN PIECES.