Videogum

Steven Seagal Should Rest His Sex Case!

Gabe Delahaye | April 13, 2010 - 4:16 pm

As you have probably heard by now, Steven Seagal is being sued for one million dollars (that is hilarious) by a former personal assistant who claims that he employed sex slaves. Yikes. When you put it that way, it sounds pretty bad! Admittedly, when you start looking at the details of the case, things get kind of weird. From MSNBC:

The plaintiff, Kayden Nguyen, said she met the action star in February through an ad on Craigslist seeking an executive assistant and, after three interviews, was told to pack for a trip to New Orleans, where the A&E show “Steven Seagal Lawman” was taping.

Steven Seagal hires executive assistants through Craigslist and fields interviews with interested candidates personally? Sounds like Steven Seagal needs an executive assistant just to help him hire an executive assistant!

On that first night, Nguyen was ushered to a secluded house where Seagal was staying with his wife and the two young women. He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says.

He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his sex toy despite her complaints? How do you proceed to treat someone like a sex toy despite their complaints? That is a complicated sex toy. Am I embarrassing MYSELF with these questions?

There is no time for embarrassment! Because this lawsuit just keeps getting crazier and crazier:

She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills.”

Oh brother. Illegal pills. ILLEGAL PILLS!

Nguyen’s lawsuit claims that even after she got away, Seagal and his employees tried desperately to persuade her to return. When she escaped, she left behind “everything of value she owned,” including car keys, her laptop, clothes, and “hundreds of dollars worth of makeup.” She was told she would not get the items back until she signed an agreement stating she would not report the sexual attacks.

HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF MAKEUP! CAR KEYS! It is important, when confronted with a gun-toting sociopath in the habit of employing sex slaves and forcing them to take “illegal pills” that you remember WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE.

And then this:

Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is.

UHHHHHHHHHH.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

A UNIQUE, UNNAMED PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION TO SEXUAL AROUSAL? OH JESUS WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT? Does he shed his entire skin? I bet he sheds his entire skin. You know what, I don’t want to know. Let’s just put them all in jail, Your Honor. Sometimes secrets are secrets for a reason. This guy knows what I’m talking about:

Of course, Steven Seagal’s crack legal team (the best minds that a man who gets sued for one million dollars can afford) have already responded. From TMZ:

Seagal’s lawyer, Marty Singer, responded to the lawsuit this way: “The lawsuit filed by Kayden Nguyen against Steven Seagal is a ridiculous and absurd claim by a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired for using illegal narcotics.” Singer says the suit is a “complete fabrication without a scintilla of truth” and he’s confident it will be dismissed.

Look, I’m not on anyone’s side here. If Ms. Nguyen’s accusations are true, that is horrible and terrifying and it suggests there is some truth to the generally held assumption that celebrities (sure, celebrities) live in a criminally indulgent world without consequences. And if she is making it up to get her hands on Mr. Seagal’s ONE MILLION DOLLARS, than that is also horrible, and suggests there is some truth to the generally held assumption that our legal system is careening violently out of control. In either case, we all lose. But before we can figure out WHY we lose someone needs to REST THEIR CASE. Isn’t that right, Videogum Chief Legal Counsel, Corbin Bernsen:

It’s just standard legal procedure.

SUSTAINED.