When you first met your girlfriend, before she was your girlfriend, she was busy sleeping her way through the Young Money Crew. But if anything, this only attracted you to her more. What a wonderful and mysterious woman with interesting goals and priorities! Oh, she was definitely sleeping with plenty of other hip hop artists who weren’t in the Young Money Crew. Obviously. Of course. The point is, she slept with everyone. Neat! But it wasn’t until she took to YouTube with a series of explosive vlogs in which she gave out rappers phone numbers and threatened to expose everyone in a tell-all book that you guys really started getting serious with each other. The thing is, you are definitely flexible in your relationships and recognize that every lover has different qualities that you like, and different characteristics that you find frustrating, that is just the nature of human compatibility, but there is one thing that you require from every relationship, and that is for your partner to have an aggressive, but also kind of hilarious, plan to destroy the lives of others after having sad groupie sex with them on the floor of a recording studio. Anyone who doesn’t have that, well, that’s a dealbreaker, ladies. Personally, no offense, but your girlfriend has kind of a filthy vocabulary. So, headphones UP? I don’t know, you’re the one who dates her.
Awwww. You love her! You love her so much that you carry a copy of this video in your wallet:
“XOXOXOXOOX, Kat Stacks. Let’s get married!” — you
(Thanks for the tip, aftershock.)