Oh phew, Sayid is alive. Of course, that was the cliff-hanger during last week’s season premiere, but now he is really alive, because he says “wha happen?!” My favorite thing about Sayid being alive is how Jack immediately jumps into doctor mode. Like, he props Sayid up and starts bossing everyone around like Doc Hollywood. “Hurley, let him breathe. Miles, go get him some water.” Hey, Jack, do you think maybe that if someone was just resurrected from the dead after being drowned in a diarrhea hot tub that your medical knowledge has been rendered completely irrelevant? No? You don’t think that? Of course Jack doesn’t think that.
Over in the corner, Sawyer is like, “blah blah blah, guns.” Always with the guns that one. “I live my life by two rules: Always Be Nicknaming and Always Be Trying to Get the Guns.” It seems easy enough because about five minutes later he has a gun. He is like “bye” and Kate is like “what?” and the leader of the temple is like “you have to stay” and Sawyer is like “guns.”
The Chinese Level 3 Final Boss wants to spend some alone time with Sayid and Jack is like “obviously I am not going to let that happen” and the dozens of armed guards are like “obviously you are confused by the definition of the word obviously” and so they take Sayid into the other room and torture him. They electrocute his nipples and they poke him with hot pokers and he is like “uh, why?” and they are like “you passed the test!” Oh good, Sayid passed the test, you guys! But then Sayid leaves and the one hippie nerd is like “I just lied to him, didn’t I?” Wait, does that mean Sayid didn’t pass the test? Oh Sayid, you should have studied harder for your Torture Test!
Meanwhile, Kate and Jinn have been allowed to leave the temple and track Sawyer through the forest along with Mac from Paddy’s Pub and some other dude (maybe a customer of Paddy’s Pub?).
Apparently it is very important that Sawyer be brought back to the temple safely. No one says why. No one ever says why on this show, which I suppose is part of what keeps us watching, but at the same time, I feel like if I was about to go out into that jungle what with all of its smoke monsters and it’s being unstuck in time sometimes, I would be like “just clarify the importance for me is all. Let’s just all be on the same page with why this is important.”
Kate and Jin escape from Mac from Paddy’s Pub. Jin goes off on his own looking for Sun, because if there is one thing that we have learned over the past few years (or is it still days? Oceanic Flight 815 crashed four days ago, probably) it is that it is just very safe and very smart to go off on your own on this island. Kate finds Sawyer and he is back at the old Dharma village reminiscing. Hey, Sawyer, want to go sit on a dock?
He was going to propose to Juliet! Don’t you hate it when you are about to propose to someone and a nuclear magic time pocket sucks them into a well and then also sucks an entire construction site down on top of them and they bash a hydrogen bomb in with a rock, but even that doesn’t work, and it’s just like: wedding’s off. This guy knows what I’m talking about:
Look, I’m just going to say this right now before we go any further, because I want to get it out there and take my lumps for it an then get back to talking about this great show, but has anyone else noticed that there is a certain creeping cheesiness in season six that was never really there before? I think it comes from the Sebastian Junger’s Perfect Storm combination of too-much-action plus ham-fisted-dialogue plus Sawyer’s-pouting plus so-many-papier-mache-temples. I’m sorry. It’s kind of cornball. I still love it, but can we get back to being cool and mysterious? I feel like we’re encroaching on Heroes territory, and I hate Heroes territory.
So the Chinese Level 3 Final Boss made Sayid a magic pill, but the magic pill will only work if Sayid takes it willingly (you know how medicine works, you’ve been to Pill School) and he tells Jack that Jack has to give Sayid the pill and Jack is like “what if I don’t?” and the guy is like “then the infection will spread” because we are in Riddle Town where even the pizza is topped with Riddles. (Although the baseballs are just baseballs.) Jack doesn’t give Sayid the pill because Sayid and Jack have a man-to-man talk about trust? So Jack takes the pill and the Chinese Level 3 Boss is like BOOM BOOM POW, and Jack is like “now that I took the pill and you kicked it out of my throat will you at least tell me what is in it?” and the guy is like “poison.”
Uh, couple things:
1. you really should have let Jack take the poison, dude
2. if you have armed guards and run the temple and bring Sayid back to life and can make magic poison pills that only work if you believe in them and you are also apparently a karate master sometimes when you need to be, and everything that you say is an important mystery shrouded in riddles, why would you give up the big secret so easily? You got the pill out of Jack (for some reason), but that doesn’t mean you have to tell him anything?
Then he explains that if Sayid does’t take the poison, a darkness will spread over him, “just like what happened to your sister.” OH NO! And Jack is like “OH NO!” And I’m like “WHO’S SISTER?” And then I’m like “OH RIGHT, CLAIRE!” And then I’m like, “OH NO!”
Speaking of Claire: back at bizarro LAX, Kate has hijacked a taxi cab with preggo Claire in it and is like “go faster” and the cabbie is like “I’m trying” but then this guy is like “luggage!”
Classic. Kate takes a moment to share a meaningful confused glance with Jack. Then bizarro Claire is like “please just let me out” and bizarro Kate is like “no,” and then bizarro Kate takes her bag and kicks her out anyway?
Escaping from duly appointed federal marshals is confusing! Then Kate goes to a garage and is like “get me out of these handcuffs” and Mickey Rourke’s Body Double is like “no problem.”
That is easy enough! If you ever need to get out of handcuffs in a hurry, you should definitely go to this garage, wherever it is. He even lets her use the bathroom for as long as she wants. Nice guy! That is where Kate discovers a Polaroid of Claire in Claire’s bag and is like “whoops, she was pregnant!”
You know, for a tracker, you would think Kate would be more observant. Anyway, she goes and picks up Claire from the side of the road, and Claire is like “are you kidding, you just pointed a gun at me and stole my stuff. You are definitely going to need to spend two seconds convincing me to come with you.” So Kate drives Claire to the home of the woman who was going to adopt her baby, but the woman is all like My Life Is Juno, and then Claire is all like Baby Time. Kate rushes her to the hospital and gets a doctor and it is like WHUUUUUUUUUUUT?!
And Doctor Ethan is like “you can have the baby now, or I can give you a series of mysterious drugs that will let you not have the baby until a lot later from now.” WHAT? Did the hydrogen bomb change mankind’s understanding of pre-natal medicine? Anyway, Claire is not ready to have BABY AARON yet, and Kate is like IT’S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX! Then we think the baby dies for a second, but the baby doesn’t die, and Claire gives Kate her credit card, because whatever, we are in Upside-Downy-Bananas-Land anyway, so of course a pregnant woman stranded in a foreign country deep into her third trimester gives a complete stranger who recently robbed them at gunpoint their credit card. Yup!
Oh, and back on the island, Claire kills Mac from Paddy’s Pub and then she sees Jin and she gives him this look that is like, “I definitely need, like, a hundred showers.”