2010 Academy Award Nominees, Guys

By Gabe Delahaye / February 2, 2010

In the future, of course, whether our space grandchildren are gathered around us on the hover-porch, wondering when we’re going to stop complaining about holographic-SEXTING and start providing some kind of explanation for why the Earth is covered in water, or if we’re pushing a shopping cart full of burned coats through the ash-covered wastes towards the coast trying to carry the fire, it is going to be borderline-impossible to make anyone who was not alive during these Foolish Times of Coca-Cola and Mattresses understand what was so fucking important about making fun of women for their poor decisions in offensively-expensive clothing, and giving a dude from a movie about blue Indians with magic ponytails a golden statuette to put in his guest bathroom as a conversation piece.

“Why?” the boy asked, his face streaked with ash.
“I don’t know,” the man said. And felt a thing inside himself break once more.

But for now, we live on land and our drinking water is water, not re-purified urine. And the roving gangs of cannibals still respect the Rule of Law. After the jump, the list of nominees for the 2010 Academy Awards.

BEST PICTURE
Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire
A Serious Man
Up
Up In The Air

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
– Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
– George Clooney, Up In The Air
– Colin Firth, A Single Man
– Morgan Freeman, Invictus
– Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
– Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
– Helen Mirren, The Last Station
– Carey Mulligan, An Education
– Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire
– Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
– Matt Damon, Invictus
– Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
– Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
– Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
– Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
– Penélope Cruz, Nine
– Vera Farmiga, Up In The Air
– Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
– Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air
– Mo’Nique, Precoius: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire

DIRECTOR
– James Cameron, Avatar
– Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
– Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
– Lee Daniels, Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire
– Jason Reitman, Up In The Air

SCREENPLAY (ORIGINAL)
The Hurt Locker, Mark Boal
Inglourious Basterds, Quentin Tarantino
The Messenger, Alessandro Camon & Oren Moverman
A Serious Man, Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
Up, Bob Peterson, Pete Doctor

SCREENPLAY (ADAPTED)
District 9, Neil Blomkamp & Terri Tatchell
An Education, Nick Hornby
In The Loop, Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche
Precious: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire, Geoffrey Fletcher
Up In The Air, Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess And The Frog
The Secret Of Kells
Up

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)
– “Almost There,” Randy Newman for The Princess & The Frog
– “Down IN New Orleans,” Randy Newman for The Princess & The Frog
– “Loin de Paname,” Wagner & Thomas for Paris 36
– “Take It All,” Maury Yeston for Nine
– “The Weary Kind (Theme From Crazy Heart),” Ryan Bingham for Crazy Heart

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)
Avatar, James Horner
Fantastic Mr. Fox, Alexandre Desplat
The Hurt Locker, Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders
Sherlock Holmes, Hans Zimmer
Up, Michael Giacchino

Good luck to all the nominees! This is the type of thing you are going to tell your grandchildren about, if you don’t dry your junk out too much with cocaine smoothies, and more importantly if the world itself continues to sustain human life. 2012!