You Can Make It Up: Hanukkah On The Jersey Shore
All of the guidos and guidettes gathered around the menorah. Well, no. All of the guidos and guidettes were upstairs in the bathroom, blowing out their hair, or tanning in the tanning beds that they owned. They weren’t just going to fuckin’, like, gather around some fuckin’ candleabraah until they looked good, son! Jwoww picked out the perfect Hanukkah g-string to wear under her Hanukkah cut-offs. “Let’s go, you sluts!” she yelled at the other guidettes. “Fuck you, you whore!” Angelina yelled back. Snacko didn’t yell anything, she was puking her guts out.
“Where’s Ronnie?” The Situation asked.
“He’s doin’ sick Reps, bro,” Pauly said. “He drank like 10 Diet Red Bulls.”
“Well is there any Diet Red Bulls left?” The Situation asked.
“Why don’t we get off of Diet Red Bulls because I just did your mom from behind.”
They high-fived. Ronnie came in, shirtless. Because Ronnie doesn’t own any shirts. He gave everyone a high five.
“I don’t know why we have to be late to Hanukkah just because Snockle had too much to drink,” Sammi pouted.
“If you have something to say to me, why don’t you say it to my face?” Snickar shouted from the bathroom.
“Because I don’t want to get your puke breath on me, in my mouth. I’m a elegant lady, OK? You need to respect that!”
There were some puke sounds from the bathroom, and then a hairdryer. The hairdryer sound continued for two and a half hours. Finally, Soc2kfasl came down the stairs in her underwear and fuck me heels. There was a little bit of puke on all of it.
“Hanukkah!” she squealed. “I hope I get a babbbbbby! Every princess should have her own babyyyyyyyyy!”
The guidos and guidettes were almost ready to gather around the menorah. But first, they went out partying. They hit up one of the tightest clubs on the whole shore. It was called Pantomimes. Jwoww began to freak a potted plant. “Come home with me,” she purred into the potted plant’s leaf. “Show me your dick!” She slapped the potted plant. The Situation did body shots off his own stomach, because no one else’s stomach was hot enough. He leaned in drunkenly on Ronnie’s shoulder. “No homo, but do you ever wish you could just fuck yourself?” Ronnie was like, he was like, Ronnie was like, “Dude, if I could fuck myself we wouldn’t even be having this colliloquy right now.” They both high fived a bunch.
Back at the house, the guidos and guidettes fucked a ton of strangers in the hot tub on the roof until someone kicked someone else out, I don’t know, you know how it is. JERSEY SHORE IS THE DREAM BABY. The guys was like “don’t cockblock,” and the girls was like “don’t bring that shore trash into my home,” and the guys was like “at least some girls around here no how to have fun,” and the girls was all for real like just straight up “I will scratch you in the eyes.”
Finally, everyone gathered around the menorah to celebrate a real Jersey Shore Hannukah. They stared at the menorah for a couple of minutes. “Now what?” Sammi asked.
“Oh, you know what?” Vinnie, the most normal and relatable of them, said, “I think it’s supposed to have candles or some shit in it.”
Everyone just stared at the menorah.
“My ma told me that you is supposed to eat pancakes made out of potatoes. Can you imagine that?! You’re like oh snap, pancakes, and then you, fuckin’, like, bite it and you’re like OH SHIIIIIIIIT. Jews are crazy. You know the Holocaust is a myth?” Ronnie said. Or maybe Pauly.
“What’s the Holocause?” Jwwow asked.
Everyone got bored with talking about what stuff was, and they all agreed that potato pancakes was weird and gross. So they went out to the Windmill and got some chili cheese fries instead.
“Yo, I am vibing on these chili cheese fries right now, son,” The Situation said. “No homo, but I love Hanukkah.”
It was time to exchange gifts! Most people got bottles of hair gel, or tanning oil, or sleeveless t-shirts with funny slogans on them, like “I’m With Wanting To Have Anal Sex With You” (arrow pointing to dick). Jwwwwwowww opened up her present. It was a small glass bottle. “What’s this?” Jwwowwwwwwwwwwwww asked.
“It’s a bottle of prescription medicinal shampoo,” Sammi said. “For your bush.”
“You guys should totally kiss right now,” Ronnie said. “I’ll give you 35 SkeeBall tickets if you kiss.”
But they didn’t hear him, because they were too busy kissing. Scratchers pouted in the corner. Whenever two people started kissing it made her eyes sad because that meant they weren’t thinking about kissing her, probably. Pauly started reading a Chinese take-out menu out loud. “What are you doing?” Angelina asked him.
“I’m reading the story of Hanukkah.”
“It’s beatiful,” she said. Pauly shrugged.
The festive celebration ended with a game of strip dreidel. It was a very short game. Everybody won.