Videogum’s Teen Korner: Dreamboat Vampires Only Drive Volvos

Gabe Delahaye | November 3, 2009 - 4:35 pm

What up, heroes in a half-shell!

Dudes and girl dudes, you’re probably feeling pretty invincible right now. You’re young! You have your whole life ahead of you! What could possibly happen? Well let me tell you a snap: you’re not invincible. You are completely vincible. In fact, you are very fragile. Like an egg, or a Nintendo DS. I’m not saying not to take some risks every once in awhile. It’s important to get out there and have fun with your homies. But hundreds, maybe even thousands of kids just like you are murdered every year by accidents that could have been prevented. JUST SAY NO. TO ACCIDENTS. When you’re out on your in-line skates, wear a helmet. When you’re having terribly awkward and incredibly embarrassing sexual experiences with your partner (who is equal to you in every way, and who you treat with respect), wear a condom. And when you’re in a car, wear a seatbelt. Wearing seat belts is DA BOMB.

Speaking of seat belts that are da bomb, I want to rap to you today about a pretty cool seatbelt. It’s the official seatbelt of Twilight. Oh, I’m sorry, DID YOUR HEAD JUST FALL OFF? You heard me right. There is no seat belt that can quench Edward Cullen’s thirst for Bella Swan’s lifeforce quite like the seatbelt in the new Volvo XC60. Don’t believe me? Just ask these clumsily edited images of Robert Pattinson standing next to a car!

There is more to life than a Volvo, but there is nothing more to life than basing all of your major purchases on an obsession with a paranormal metaphor for sexual anxiety for children. Tell your parents to buy a Volvo XC60 today! They’ll listen to you, because this whole thing just makes sense.

(Thanks for the tip, Clarissa.)