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The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: The Black Vagina Monologues

By Gabe Delahaye / September 25, 2009 - 11:02 am

Isn’t it always this way? The season usually begins off peacefully enough, with light lunches heavy on the white wine where the ladies catch each other up on what they’ve been doing between taping. And then a few episodes before the finale the claws come out and there seems to be no peace possible. Perhaps by the end the women reconcile during the producer-enforced group dinner that caps each series. Or maybe not. Maybe they rip into each other’s soft throats with their plasticated nails, drowning in a river of alcohol-diluted blood. In any case, we are at the portion of the season where the women have completely given up trying to pretend that they don’t entirely hate each other. If nothing else, it is slightly more honest?

But first, Kim sits by the pool in her daughter’s favorite swimsuit.

Seriously, Kim, that does not fit you. That is like the bathing suit that Shrek would wear because you aren’t allowed to go into the mud pool without a bathing suit and he embarrassingly had to borrow one from Fiona. (Shrek Jokes, so hot right now.)

So Kim tells her friend about how Big Poppa, the married man that Kim was/is fucking, offered to fly her to the Bahamas just to get away from it all. You know how it is when you’re super stressed out from having your face melting off your head all the time, and you just need a rich married man to pay for everything? Kim actually says “well, so, you know how I love the beach.” Um, everyone loves the beach, Kim. But then wouldn’t you know it, Big Poppa showed up in the Bahamas and surprised her. So now maybe they are back together? And you know who is still together? Big Poppa and his wife. Classic. Anyway, Kim decides it’s time to cool off in the pool, Kim style.

Meanwhile, it is almost time for Sheree’s “Independence Party,” whatever that means, which she has been planning for years. It’s going to be all about empowering women, if by empowering women you mean indulging an emotionally unstable narcissist who looks like a man. Sheree knows just the thing that will make her friends have the most fun at a party, and that is to have a local artist paint a giant photo-realistic portrait of her, and unveil it at the party? OH FUN!

The artist is basically Tommy Wiseau when he talks.

“Oh hi, Sheree.”

But he’s obviously very talented. He only paints portraits of the most important people.

Huh?

Also, how did I never notice Nene’s dentures before?

Enhance.

Enhance.

Yikes. Not to be all Professor Teeth over here, but that is not how teeth work.

Kandi has been preparing her monologue for The Pocketbook Monologues, which is basically The Black Vagina Monologues, but without the copyright-infringement lawsuit. Lisa is also in The Pocketbook Monologues, I think? It’s always hard to remember if Lisa is actually a cast member on this show. Anyway, Kandi breaks down in tears with her monologue about a prostitute who was molested as a child and is now HIV positive and infects all of her johns because she doesn’t care anymore.

Kandi’s actually pretty good. She says that when she was in high school it was always going to be singing or acting, whichever came first, and then she got a record deal her junior year. YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE. So many choices to make!

Finally it is the big night of the Pocketbook Monologues performance. Every monologue is given a really dumb name, like “And here is Lisa Wu Hartwell with ‘A Closed Pocketbook'” and “here is Kandi Burress with ‘A Broken Pocketbook’.” Right. We get it. Her vagina is broken now. And Lisa’s vagina has been sewn shut? METAPHORS ARE HARD. Kandi bends down to take off her shoes (acting!) and her mic-pack falls off.

At Sheree’s Independence Party, whatever that is, Kim shows up in crutches.

Wait, she has already gone to the Bahamas, and hung out in the pool with her friend, and reunited with her married lover, but now she is on crutches? I’m sure the doctors know what they are doing. (“Nurse, I need 10ccs’s of Fake Sympathy, stat.”)

Sheree gathers everyone around and unveils her painting. Which she tries to pretend is exciting for her friends? Like, she has a surprise for them? She seriously is a robot programmed to give me nightmares. Although, it’s not surprising that she doesn’t know what would be fun at a party. I’m sure she doesn’t get invited out very often.

Kandi has the proper response.

Although Nene and Lisa share a similarly proper reaction.

Also, can we talk about Sheree’s friend Tania for a second?

She is always around? At first I thought maybe it was because she just really wanted to be on this show, but now I am starting to think differently. She was WAY to in to preserving the glory of Sheree’s night and making sure everything went smoothly. And in a preview for next week’s episode, Sheree goes to New York and Tania goes with her? Tania helped to pick out the bar for the Independence Party? I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING, BUT I THINK YOU ALSO KNOW IF I WAS SAYING SOMETHING WHAT THAT SOMETHING MIGHT BE!

But the party is almost ruined when Nene gets in a fight with Kim about “Tardy at the Party.” Sure. It’s Sheree’s night, you guys. Don’t ruin the night of a person you don’t care about (because who could care about her? Other than her lover, Tania?) by fighting with someone that you don’t care about! Once Nene is done fighting with Kim about “Tardy at the Party” she fights with Kandi about “Tardy at the Party.”

Kind of. It seems like Nene’s argument is mostly that you shouldn’t fight with her because she would be happy to fight and you won’t like it, except that no one was fighting except for Nene, and it’s hard to avoid starting something with someone who is the one who started it. I don’t know. They should all just gouge each other’s eyes out and gnash their tongues into pieces. Or, you know, whatever.

Oh, and P.S. Here is a clip in which Kim completely abdicates all responsibility for raising her child?

Kim narrowly regains her title of The Worst from Sheree this week! Well, no. It’s a tie! Let’s chain them together and throw them into the ocean to celebrate what a wonderful tie!