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True Blood: This Show Would Be Off The Rails, If It’d Had Any In The First Place

Gabe Delahaye | August 31, 2009 - 10:28 am

Vampire Bill goes to see the Vampire Queen, who is played by Evan Rachel Wood. She is either a terrible actress, or a great actress who is using all of her talent to match the tone of this terrible show. I’m pretty sure it’s the former, though. She is in the middle of eating. Bill is like “is now a bad time,” and she says “there is no such thing as bad, and no such thing as time for that matter.” She has a point. “Is now a bad time?” is a silly question for a vampire to ask another vampire. Unless, of course, Evan Rachel Wood had said “yes, because I am going to be late for my acting classes, I’m trying to get better at acting.” If I was Evan Rachel Wood I would be mad, too, because you know the only reason they asked her to be on this show is because she used to fuck Marilyn Manson (i.e. she knows monsters). Either that, or Rose McGowan was unavailable. She has longer and thicker fangs (is what she said) than a lot of the other vampires, which I’m sure has something to do with her being a Vampire Queen. Alan Ball and his friends probably had like 10 meetings about what a Vampire Queen’s fangs should look like. Next time they should take that time to find a better actress than Evan Rachel Wood. I’m sorry, she was just really bad.

Vampire Bill is like “I need to know how to kill a Maenad,” because that’s a thing that is said on this show now. It’s not even the most ridiculous line of dialog in the episode (that award goes to “I almost got raped in Dallas, but this is so much worse”). But the Vampire Queen won’t tell him how to kill a Maenad yet, because she wants to play Yahtzee. You know how Vampire Queens can get about their parlor games. She demands that Bill stay the day, and he has to, because of some unspoken rule about vampires and Vampire Queens and demands and tiny, tiny indoor swimming pools.

Meanwhile, Tara wants to go save Eggs (a character whose name is Eggs), but Sookie and Lafayette and Tara’s mom won’t let her. She can’t believe they would all stand in her way of having love. Huh? Everyone at this point is pretty clear on the fact that Marianne is an immortal mythological being with the power to control entire towns with her shake-face, and Tara has absolutely no plan as to how she is going to rescue Eggs. She clearly hasn’t thought this through. Lafayette handcuffs her to a coffee table, which seems like a really pointless thing to handcuff someone to. “How will I ever escape from this three-foot-wide, 10 pound prison made of wicker?” Eventually, Tara convinces her mom that if she lets her go she will love her again and forgive her for being an alcoholic, so her mom tricks Lafayette into giving her the shotgun (oh yeah, Lafayette is out on the porch with a shotgun), and she points it at him and Sookie and demands that they free Tara. Lafayette goes into PTSD shock and also has a hallucination that Vampire Eric is the one pointing the gun at him. Huh?

Unhandcuffed, Tara asks Sookie to give her the keys to her car, and Sookie does? I guess the idea is that if Sookie doesn’t give her the keys, Tara will ask her mom to shoot her best friend in the face? Because couldn’t she just say “no, I won’t give you the keys?” But she does give her the keys. And Tara leaves. But Tara’s mom keeps pointing the shotgun at Lafayette? Who is her nephew? Nice family. Sookie throws an ashtray at her head.

Sam and Jason and Andy Bellefleur are busy cleaning up Merlotte’s after the Zombie Holocaust of last week, because when the entire world is collapsing on your head, the most important thing to do is clean a restaurant. Sam sees someone peering in the window, and he goes out to see who it is, like, “who’s there? It’s OK, no one’s going to hurt you.” Uh, considering that last week there was a gigantic mob coming to take you away, don’t you think you’d be a little bit more cautious about wandering around in the woods by yourself just because you saw someone? That someone could have a knife or a burlap sack! Sam is stupid. But it is kids. So you know what that means: SANDWICH TIME!

Jason and Andy go to the sheriff’s station and get guns, lots of guns. But no blow jobs.

Sam and the kids go to Fangtasia to see if Vampire Eric can help defeat Marianne. Eric is like “why would I help you,” and then he is like “OK, I’ll help you.” Hard bargain. Also, how does Eric know Sam? And how does he know that Sam is a shape-shifter? Did I forget how they know each other? Or did this show just make up a new relationship? Because if there is one thing this show loves, it is jut making stuff up on the spot. Like, just as an example, Eric says that if he is going to help them, he will have to leave right away (vampires are always having to leave right away, I’ve noticed), and then he LAUNCHES INTO THE SKY. Eric can fly now? This show is like a ‘No Fear’ t-shirt, except instead of ‘No Fear’ it’s ‘No Rules.’ Different words, same terrible.

Tara walks in and Marianne is like “ah, there you are,” and Tara is like “I’m taking Eggs (Eggs!) and we’re leaving.” That ought to do it. Marianne will probably just take off now. Marianne goes all shake-face on her her, and Tara is like “that shit doesn’t work on me anymore.” It doesn’t? Why doesn’t it work on you anymore? Oh right, I almost forgot about this show and the making everything up at random. So Marianne punches her in the face and that DOES still work on her. So Tara is possessed again already. That was quick.

Bill is finally released from his Yahtzee Prison and heads back to Bone Temps in order to make Marianne think she is about to get fucked by a God who doesn’t exist so that he can kill her (ugh, it hurts even just trying to come up with sentences that describe what this show thinks it is about, not to mention even trying to make sense of it). On the way out he runs into Eric, who just flew there and boy are his arm[gunshot]. Eric is going to go talk to the Vampire Queen about how to kill a Maenad. These guys should compare notes. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel (of killing Maenads) each time, Vampires!

Sookie and Lafayette go to Sookie’s Grandma’s/Sookie’s/Marianne’s house to rescue Tara. Again with the barging in on an immortal beast with no game plan whatsoever? These guys should all go to Good Ideas University to work on their ideas. Sookie walks inside and lays on the ground with some dude? Curled up with him? For a long time? Just making zombie pillow talk? I don’t know. Later she hits the guy in the head with a frying pan, which is a really good way to kill someone. Just blunt force trauma to the front of the head. Perfect. He’s probably dead. Meanwhile, Lafayette sees Marianne and shoots her in the head, but she deflects the bullet and it kills Carl. I’m not sure how holding up a hand in front of you ends up deflecting a bullet backwards. It’s that crazy Maenad magic. Then she is like “oh well, Carl is dead,” and she approaches Lafayette and you just know he is about to get shake-faced and that is why I have been saying they should have come up with a plan first. Sookie finds Tara and Eggs making a nest in a bed for a giant egg.

A GIANT EGG! And then Sookie sees Lafayette with his black zombie eyes and she screams for some reason. Why is she screaming? She really should have seen that one coming. Everyone else did.

Two weeks: season finale, fucking finally.