America’s Nightmare Narrowly Avoided

Gabe Delahaye | August 28, 2009 - 9:18 am

Uh…from the New York Post:

Jon Gosselin, Kevin Federline and Michael Lohan were in talks to live together and be filmed round-the-clock for a reality show, “The Divorced Dads’ Club.” But, as Page Six reported last month, Gosselin pulled out after TLC threatened to sue because his contract ties him to “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ for two more years. And K-Fed, Britney Spears’ ex, landed his own reality show with girlfriend Victoria Prince, leaving Lohan talking to disgraced MLB slugger Jose Canseco and ex-NY Jets star Mark Gastineau, among others. Mike Heller, whose Talent Resources is developing the show with Lohan, told us that since Gosselin is out, “We are talking with other divorced dads. The idea would be to tell the man’s side of the divorce, and the mistakes they’ve made, such as — I never should have brought that girl home.” Advice Jon could have used.

Can you imagine? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? It’s like, you remember at the end of Deep Impact, when the asteroid hits Earth, and massive tidal waves rush over America’s cities and it appears that all is lost, but then Elijah Wood just runs up a hill really fast and it turns out that in order to survive you didn’t need to go into government-controlled Disaster Caves, all you needed to do was run up a hill fast and be on top of a hill? That’s us! We’re on top of that hill! Phew, we made it.

The only thing more depressing than a reality show called The Divorced Dad’s Club starring three of the most ridiculous garbage clowns in the world is the one garbage clown (Michael Lohan) being unable to let the idea go once it falls apart. Oh God. The mental image of him going door-to-door, hat in hand, to other ridiculous semi-famous people who have been divorced trying to stir up some interest in his nightmare project is almost heart-breaking. Almost. Remember when he hit someone in the head with a shoe because he had a brown belt in tae-kwon do? I do. I remember.

Man. I thought we could have a funtimes party game where we came up with a worse, more disastrous casts of Walking Human Failure than Jon Gosselin, Kevin Federline, and Michael Lohan, but I actually don’t think it’s possible. Like, who? Danny Bonaduce? He’s just a ginger Michael Lohan. It’s a push. There is seriously nothing worse than this. Isn’t that right, Lord Voldemort?

“If I were not make-believe, I WOULD BE ON THIS SHOW!”