NSFW: Right, Yes, A Twilight Dildo, Of Course

Gabe Delahaye | August 20, 2009 - 1:47 pm

A company called Tantus has made a dildo for Twilight enthusiasts (a dildo for children, basically?). It is called The Vamp. Of course, they can’t say that it is a Twilight-themed dildo because of FASCIST COPYRIGHT LAWS. So they have to beat around the bush (get it? You get it). From the website (emphases mine):

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

The Vamp is a web only exclusive offering through for $39.99. We are currently taking pre-orders for this one of a kind toy. We will be shipping them first come first serve starting 9/1/09. Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.

“Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn” is up for the grand prize at the Seamless Awards. They make it look so easy! Ugh. And this, of course, is the best (worst) part:

Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

Toss it in the fridge? I AM NOT SURE THAT THEY HAVE REFRIGERATORS IN JAIL. Why don’t they just say what they really mean:

For people who want to fuck teenagers with frozen dicks who can fly.

That’s what this is, right? “You don’t understand, Edward Cullen is hundreds of years old.” No, you don’t understand. This is gross, and you are a grown up. Stop. Just stop it. (Via ONTD.)