Entourage: It’s 2004 Somewhere

By Gabe Delahaye / July 13, 2009

You guys, True Blood recap tomorrow, promise. I KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN FAILING YOU IN THIS. I’ve got to get this yogurt cup off of my head! But we can talk about the debut episode of Entourage right now! And how sure, we expected them to phone it in pretty hard, but I’m not sure anyone could have prepared themselves for the lukewarm shit show that it ended up being. Entourage, COME ON! It is 2009. Barack Obama is president. WE, AS A PEOPLE, DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

We don’t have time to listen to Turtle and Johnny Drama give E a hard time about liking girls too much. Maybe in the anti-social Bush years when the world stopped even making sense and everything seemed to be spiraling dangerously out of control. But not anymore. It’s 2009, we can like girls now. That being said, we also don’t have time to worry about whether or not E will get back together with Sloan. I don’t even remember why they broke up. Was it because he borrowed her walkman and rollerblades and wouldn’t give them back? BECAUSE OF HOW LONG AGO IT WAS THAT THEY WERE EVEN GOING OUT WHO CARES?

We don’t have time to worry about whether or not Vince, a grown man, will get his driver’s license. (And it doesn’t matter because we don’t have time to care since he does get his driver’s license, even though he can’t drive. OK!) Or whether he will be lonely when E moves out. Oh, by the way, SPOILER ALERT: E moves out. Who will be more lonely, E or Vince? I don’t know. Let’s give them both guns and one bullet each and find out. I’m hoping for a tie. We don’t have time to worry about Turtle peeing in a bathtub, either. It’s 2009! What happened to his music management career? Who cares! He’s a thinly drawn side character on a thinly drawn show that’s worn thin! MOVING ON.

Of course, then there is the Ari Gold and his Gay (GAY!) Assistant Lloyd. Lloyd wants a promotion but Ari won’t give it to him! What is amazing is that Lloyd feels like he’s paid his dues after three years, but this show has been going on for five. We’ve paid two years of dues more than Lloyd. WHERE IS OUR PROMOTION? At the end of the episode, Ari promises Lloyd that if he can survive 100 days of rigorous hazing, he will make Lloyd into a junior agent, or something. If we survive the 100 days can this show be canceled? The casual racism and aggressive homophobia that Ari feels free to shout into Lloyd’s face is the only stake in this show that has been raised.

Lloyd: [if you don't promote me] I’ll go work for my father.
Ari: Where, at a dry cleaners?
Lloyd: My father owns a winery in Napa.
Ari: I don’t think sodomy is legal in Napa.

WOW! THAT IS WORSE THAN IT WAS BEFORE! YOU HAVE DONE IT, ENTOURAGE! David Mamet over here. It’s like Chekov used to always say: If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter you should shoot yourself in the face, because this show.