The Hills: She’ll Always Be Daddy’s Little Plastic Faced Sadness Monster

Heidi’s dad, no her REAL dad, is coming to visit. And he’s bringing his guns. That is what she tells Spencer. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he brings his gun.” Really? I would. He could be the guy from the cellophane wrapper on a Brawny roll (i.e. the most masculine man there is, ever) and he still probably wouldn’t PACK A GUN for a VISIT TO LOS ANGELES. The whole episode is just constant references to Heidi’s (REAL) dad’s expansive gun collection. Of course, Spencer pretends to be nervous. What if he shoots Spencer?! In the face!?! I wish. I will tell you right now that SPOILER ALERT he does not shoot Spencer in the face. Instead, he meets him for brunch at a luxury spa hotel in Santa Monica called Shutters on the Beach where a bowl of oatmeal costs $11. TOTAL COWBOYZ.

They get to know each other, Hills style.

Heidi tells Spencer that if he wants to marry her, he’s going to have to get her dad’s permission. That’s so traditional. What a couple of regular, down home Americans with great values. UH OH! But he has GUNS! He tells Spencer that he has guns. Guns guns guns. You know who else has guns? SPENCER. “There was a fatal shoot out today in Shutters on the Beach between a real life cowboy and some sort of goatman. Dozens of eggs benedict were injured. Because of the goatman, the government’s Fringe division has been assigned to the case.”

Spencer tells Heidi’s dad about the time he assaulted a man. Here is a transcript of how he described that situation:

“So I say to this guy, you really do this? And he gets in my face and he’s like, Yeah, you know, What’re you gonna do? And that’s when I, you know, massaged his face.”

Spencer Pratt: goatman, sociopath, retard.

Except that Heidi’s (REAL) dad is like “you have to protect your family.” Perfect. I’m glad that MTV has done everything in its power to legitimize and de-criminalize a violent, unprovoked assault. You know, for the kids.

Later, Spencer basically asks Heidi’s (REAL) dad for permission to marry her, kind of, the way that adults do who are serious about their intentions. “What would you say if I wanted to marry her?” Classy! Not passive-aggressive at all. Just a gentleman going after what he wants. He also adds “I’m in a place where I understand the repercussions of ever hurting Heidi.” Nice! Romantic. Is there a way to marry someone twice? Heidi’s (REAL) dad says “I wouldn’t come after you.” HAPPY FAMILY.

So, on a ferris wheel that takes 45 minute pauses at the crest, Spencer Pratt proposes to Heidi Montag. And she says–oh, whoops, I changed the channel for a second. FUCK. What does she say? I guess now I will never know.

Meanwhile, Audrina pretends to do more work for her record label. She actually says “it’s cool that we’ve been doing so well that they let us do more stuff with the bands.” Sure. Work talk. It’s also really helpful in explaining why Audrina’s job is just to hang around bands and go out for drinks with bands. Because of how she’s been doing so well, you guys. Duh. More meanwhile, Lauren has to fire Stephanie, so she fires Stephanie, and Stephanie cries, because Stephanie cares. She cares more about being incompetent at her job than she does about being incompetent at putting on makeup!

Whoops, your face!

Next week: Spencer calls Lauren on the phone. The world ends.