Gossip Girl: Season Finale

It’s graduation time! And that means the end of Gossip Girl, says Serena, who is always right about everything. She’s like a Correct Assumptions Factory. Hopefully, Serena says at brunch with Blair, this whole being arrested thing will be the last Gossip Girl blast about her ever. Sure. Although, her mugshot is also on the New York Post, which I guess is the Gossip Girl for Grown-ups. I am just saying that it is a little beside the point to get mad at a gossip blog when that same gossip is on the front page of basically the most important newspaper in the world. Speaking of gossip, Serena tells Blair that Chuck loves her. Oh good. This will be fun.

At the graduation ceremony, Nate apologizes to Vanessa for how he treated her, which ought to cover it. All he really did was bail on their summer plans, dump her, start dating Blair again, and ask Blair to move in with him. I’m not even sure what he’s apologizing for. Meanwhile, Dan’s name was left off of the graduation program. Lots Of Love. Luckily he already graduated from the School Of Perfect Facial Expressions.

But before everyone can graduate, Gossip Girl sends out another blast! Just when they thought they were out, Gossip Girl blasts them back in! She calls Nate a whore, which is funny, and then everything else is pretty by the book. Chuck is a coward, Blair is weak, Serena is officially irrelevant. Dan is the ultimate insider? OK, Dan is clearly Gossip Girl, because that is the only way he got some vaguely complimentary diss. It should have been, like, Dan is the ultimate worstsider. This guy knows.

Total adult doing adult stuff. Also what is THIS?

Everyone else has a graduation cap on, you special fucking snowflake. Show some respect.

Everyone freaks out. Nate tries to do “damage control,” and goes to tell Grandfather about his affair with the Duchess. You know, just a typical conversation between a high school senior and his grandfather on graduation day. Despite the fact that literally five minutes ago Serena was talking about how she couldn’t wait to leave her high school life behind her and be done with Gossip Girl forever, she is so mad at being called irrelevant. YA BURNT. She decides that it is time to unmask Gossip Girl! Really? Because it seems like there were a ton of other times where it was time to unmask Gossip Girl. Anyway, the Encyclopedias Brown get together and devise a master plan. If Chuck distracts everyone at the graduation brunch while Serena texts Gossip Girl, then whoever’s phone rings is Gossip Girl! That’s it? It took five seconds to figure out how to unmask Gossip Girl? They should have done this years ago. Exactly two years ago. A phone rings. It is Jonathan, Eric Van Der Woodsen’s boyfriend! He is Gossip Girl!

No he’s not. Of course he’s not. He just hacked into Gossip Girl’s mainframe over spring break and stole all her emails and also had her phone messages forwarded to his phone. Sure.

He just got his body temperature elevated to the temperature of Gossip Girl’s room, and evaded the motion detectors. Meanwhile, Jenny Humphrey is considering becoming Queen B next year so that there won’t be a Queen B next year. All she needs is the juiciest piece of gossip by midnight, and Gossip Girl’s emails just might have something. She tries to warn Blair, but Blair won’t listen. But also normally Blair chooses the Queen B? I’m sorry. I enjoy watching this show, and I am happy to share this journey with you, but as a 49-year-old man in need of two hip replacement surgeries, I refuse to understand this Queen B plotline. In any case, it doesn’t matter, because now that Serena has declared war on Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl fires back with ANOTHER BLAST at Nate’s party that is so DETONATED that it makes Jenny’s gossip irrelevant. It is basically a recap of the entire season minus a half-dozen Co-op Board Brunches. The big bombshell is supposed to be that we discover that Blair slept with Chuck’s Uncle Jack, but we already knew that basically, didn’t we? I just figured that since we were talking about a bunch of CHILDREN that we would have the DECENCY to leave some details UNSPOKEN. Although I suppose this was for the best because now Uncle Jack has to go to JAIL, right? Literally? “We’re gonna need a bigger transport van for all of the statuatory rapists.”

Serena tries to bluff by texting Gossip Girl and threatening to unmask her, because that’s a ploy that has to work. When you get a text from Serena it clearly means she is onto you (it clearly does not mean that, she is so dumb). She tells Gossip Girl to meet her at a bar at midnight, and she is surprised when Dan shows up. Dan is Gossip Girl? No wait, Blair is Gossip Girl? No wait, Jenny and Eric and Vanesa are Gossip Girl? Oh, I get it. WE ARE ALL GOSSIP GIRL.


Anyway, Blair gives the Bejeweled Headband of Power to Jenny Humphrey, who then sits down for mimosas with the Mean Girls because she is now their queen? So I guess she didn’t eliminate the position so much as totally accept it and now those are her friends? Like I said, I refuse. Rufus and Lily steal pot from Chuck Bass’s room and smoke down on Rufus’s floor because they are both adults who care first and foremost about the well-being of their children.

Ugh. I don’t care about parents smoking pot when their kids aren’t around, but do they really have to steal it out of their kids’ rooms? Am I actually still enraged at the egregiously inappropriate behavior of Rufus and Lily this far into the show? No, they don’t, and Yes, I am. He finally proposes marriage and they are going to get married, and he even moves his waffle iron into the Van Der Woodsen penthouse and Eric is like “oh, I have been dreaming of this,” because of how the Van Der Woodsen’s could never afford a waffle iron?

Meanwhile, at NYU, Georgina is going to be roommates with Blair, and Rufus and Lily’s fake dead son is going to be roommates with Dan’s penis, and Nate is going to go to Europe with Vanessa after all, and Chuck tells Blair that he loves her, and Serena…wait a second…Serena is going to Fiji with fake-Chuck Bass Carter Baisen because her dad who we are told she has always been looking for is there? Come on, Gossip Girl. It’s not a cliffhanger if I didn’t even know it existed five minutes ago.

Have a great summer. See you next FAIL. Get it? You get it.