By the end of last night’s FIRST HOUR of the LEGENDARY TWO-PART The Real Housewives of New York Reunion episode, I felt like I had just undergone some kind of Abu Grhaibian torture session. I’m not saying that watching a low budget talk show about a reality show in which petty monsters of self-deceit have sniping fights about who said what on their blogs is the same as the very real anti-human atrocities that occurred in Abu Ghraib for which all of America should probably go to jail and the blood of which will take decades to scrub from our collective hands, I’m just saying it is like that. This guy knows what I’m talking about (oof, sorry). And while it is impressive (there has to be a better word for what this is) that the taping took a record breaking seven hours to complete, just like how Vietnam took seven hours, I’m not sure we actually need a second hour of this shit.
The biggest surprise of the evening was that the Cuntess came out on top. She was poised, mostly correct in her judgments, stayed out of the fray for the most part, and took her licks. When the host, Andy “I have no idea why I haven’t killed myself, but I’m definitely a cutter” Cohen explained that one viewer had nominated LuAnn for this year’s Who Gives A Shit About Your Title, We Live in the 21st Century Award (ZIIIIIING!), she laughed it off. Good for her. I’m upgrading her to a Do Not Buy. Jill continues to be a spokesperson for the American economy for some reason. And Alex rightfully calls Bethenny out on her shit, which in now way detracts from Bethenny being the BetheBEST. Meanwhile, Ramona keeps her cool and lets everything “slide over her head” because she was abused as a child? I do not want to denigrate or minimalize the horrible and lasting effects of abuse, and I genuinely hope that Ramona has found a way to extricate herself from that lifelong psychological nightmare, but I’m not sure that child abuse really explains why she is so chill. Although it might explain why she treats everyone like an asshole and constantly gets into fights with them. In any case, things are constantly sliding over Ramona’s head, that is for sure.
But the real winner of the night/season/world is Kelly KILLOREN Bensimon, who is just a masterful storyteller and a professional question answerer.
She got married when she was very young, which is why she only touches people when she has to, and she’s been building this name since she’s a kid OK, she’s been building this name since she’s a kid and you don’t know her very well, and no one asks her about the thing that she doesn’t want to talk about, and obviously you think that it’s great that her name is in the paper but not to her, which is why she rests her case. I wish Kelly Killoren Bensimon was my lawyer. My favorite part is the end with all the grass isn’t always greener stuff (no matter how much fertilizer you have?). Because she seems to be under the impression that everyone thinks she’s living on the green side of the fence. Whoops, opposites! No one wants to be you, Kelly Bensimon. Everyone recognizes that you and your life are complete disasters. In the case of Kelly Bensimon, the grass is always deluded vagina dentata-er.
And so, we end the season where we began, with petty in-fighting and world-annihilating delusions of self-importance. There are a couple more books on the shelves, the Count who was never there is more not there than ever, and Jill has a new handbag, but otherwise the world of the Housewives is one of total stasis. Total screaming, scratching, terrifyingly dissatisfied stasis.
Bethenny got it right.
Boom goes the brainamite.