Surely We Can Make The Karate Kid Remake Even Worse

As you know, a remake of The Karate Kid is currently in production, because your childhood is meaningless, and Will Smith’s son Jaden needs a new pair of diamond aquasocks. Obviously, a remake of The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith already sounds like a terrible idea. But new details about the project have been circulating today, and it’s like they always say, the terrible is in the details. /Film sums it up nice enough:

Moviehole has learned some new details about the Will Smith-produced reimagining of The Karate Kid. The film’s plot is broadly the same as the original 1984 film, but with many little differences. The Daniel Larusso character, played by Jaden Smith, has been renamed Dre (I kid you not) and is a skateboarding video game buff. With the fear of layoffs looming over her U.S. job, Dre’s single mother accepts an offer to transfer to the China office. Of course, unable to speak Chinese, Dre finds it hard to settle in, and gets beat up by the local bully.

The Mr. Myiagi character has been renamed Mr. Han, played by Jackie Chan, spots a black-eyed Dre practicing martial-arts kicks as part of a Wii-style video game and agrees to teach him both martial arts and Chinese. The John Kreese’ character has been renamed Li Quan Ha, and is now the owner of the Fighting dragon school of Kung-Fu.

Dre? Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi (now Han)? Practicing martial-arts kicks as part of a Wii-style video game? These are not very good details in a movie that already doesn’t need to exist, but I have a feeling we could easily make the movie even worse.

  • Instead of capturing flies with chopsticks as an exercise in focus and control, Mr. Han teaches Dre to shoot the wings off of flies with curving bullets.
  • The Fighting Dragons are all played by white people with horrific fake buck-teeth, Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast-at-Tiffany’s-style.
  • Vin Diesel is in it.
  • Instead of dressing up as a shower for Halloween, Dre dresses up as Borat.
  • In the climactic scene at the karate kung fu tournament, Dre prepares to do the crane kick that he has spent months practicing (to a Gwen Stefani original soundtrack) but is killed by his opponent’s hadouken*.
  • Mr. Han is constantly talking about how much he loves Subway sandwiches and what a great deal Subway is, and half the movie takes place in a Subway (and the other half takes place in a can of Coke Zero).
  • Dre wakes up and it was all just a dream.

I think you have to admit that all of my joke ideas are very very bad.

*Obviously, this would actually be great, and so much better than however this stupid movie is actually going to end.