Videogum

Susan Boyle Will Not Be Starring In A Porno

Gabe Delahaye | April 17, 2009 - 4:24 pm

An adult entertainment company claims that it is offering Britain’s gotter of talent, Susan Boyle, 1,000,000 dollars (or 5 Euros. Do people still make that joke? It’s 2007, right?) to star in her own porno. Sure. From susanboylexxx.com (via Jossip):

Assuming Ms. Boyle accepts the offer, the plan is to fly her out to Los Angeles – on Virgin Airlines of course – and introduce her to possible co-stars. “We want real sexual chemistry,” Kulkis explained. “Since we have no way of knowing what Susan’s ‘type’ is, we’ll introduce her to a variety of gentlemen of different races, ages and um, ‘endowments.’ Personally, I think she and Ron Jeremy would be a perfect match.”

The $1 million offer from Kick Ass is good for one week. “We want to get this movie shot and out while Susan has the world’s attention,” said Kulkis. “Besides, after 47 years of virginity, I’m sure Susan is also anxious to get something cracking as soon as possible!”

Man, porno can be kind of cheesy and gross, but it’s not half as cheesy and gross as porno PRESS RELEASES. Virgin airlines joke? Relax, Bruce Villanch. Although, his comment about how she’s going to want to get something cracking after 47 years of virginity is pretty insightful. Got 2 get fucked ASAP. He probably studied psychology in school, how else to explain how good he is at reading people and situations. I’m pretty sure Mel Gibson’s character in What Women Want was based on this shithead. Everything about this is really great and doesn’t make me want to kill myself at all. TALK ABOUT LES MISERABLES, AM I RIGHT? (Sorry. For everything.)