The Razzies Are Unnecessary

Gabe Delahaye | February 23, 2009 - 3:07 pm

The Oscars weren’t the only awards given out this weekend. There were also the Razzies. You know, those sort of half-clever if you’re IM’ing with your friend, or you’re someone’s mom, but in the end actually way more work than it’s actually worth and really who cares Awards. Don’t get me wrong, if anyone in the world understands the need to recognize bad movies, I feel that I am one of those people. But maybe let’s keep things in perspective. Even those of us who feel that the Academy Awards is an overpriced, self-congratulatory hype show about reinforcing Hollywood’s stifling stranglehold on cinematic creativity, it’s still the only real game in town. It’s just like Sundance and Slamdance. Sure, Sundance is lame and mostly just a publicity tent for Juicy Couture now, or whatever, but if you’re at Slamdance you wish you were at Sundance. Don’t play games, counter-culture revolutionaries! You still just wish you were getting invited to the party! Slamdance might get casually mentioned on Entourage, but Vince isn’t going to hang out in your hot tub! Why am I talking about Slamdance?

In any case, whether the Razzies are a funny worthwhile idea or not, they happened. (Also, have you looked at their website over there? If I was the CEO of Jukt Micronics, I would sue.) After the jump, the full list of winnerz and nomineez.

Worst Picture
The Love Guru (Paramount)
Disaster Movie (Lionsgate) and Meet the Spartans (20th Century Fox) (jointly)
The Happening (20th Century Fox)
The Hottie and the Nottie (Regent Releasing)
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Boll KG/Brightlight Pictures)

Worst Actor
Mike Myers in The Love Guru
Larry the Cable Guy in Witless Protection
Eddie Murphy in Meet Dave
Al Pacino in 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
Mark Wahlberg in The Happening and Max Payne

Worst Actress
Paris Hilton in The Hottie and the Nottie
Jessica Alba in The Eye and The Love Guru
Cameron Diaz in What Happens in Vegas
Kate Hudson in Fool’s Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl
The cast of The Women (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Meg Ryan)

Worst Supporting Actor
Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia!
Uwe Boll (as himself) in Postal
Ben Kingsley in The Love Guru, The Wackness and War, Inc.
Burt Reynolds in Deal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Verne Troyer in The Love Guru and Postal

Worst Supporting Actress
Paris Hilton in Repo! The Genetic Opera
Carmen Electra in Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
Kim Kardashian in Disaster Movie
Jenny McCarthy in Witless Protection
Leelee Sobieski in 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Worst Screen Couple
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore in The Hottie and the Nottie
Uwe Boll and “any actor, camera, or screenplay”
Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher in What Happens in Vegas
Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy in Witless Protection
“Eddie Murphy in Eddie Murphy” in Meet Dave

Worst Director
Uwe Boll for 1968 Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal
Marco Schnabel for The Love Guru
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer for Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
Tom Putnam for The Hottie and the Nottie
M. Night Shyamalan for The Happening

Worst Screenplay
The Love Guru (written by Mike Myers & Graham Gordy)
Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (jointly) (written by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer)
The Happening (written by M. Night Shyamalan)
The Hottie and the Nottie (written by Heidi Ferrer)
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (screenplay by Doug Taylor)

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off or Sequel
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
The Day the Earth Stood Still (remake of the 1951 film)
Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (jointly) (rip-off of many films)
Speed Racer (remake/rip-off of the TV series Speed Racer)
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (sequel to Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, prequel to Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith)

Worst Career Achievement
Uwe Boll (“Germany’s answer to Ed Wood”)

(via Film Drunk)

Man, the Razzies need to get it over with and just MARRY UEW BOLL ALREADY. He is their boyfriend so hard. To be fair, though, this list was useful in reminding me of just what a bad year Kate Hudson had. Fool’s Gold AND My Best Friend’s Girl? Ouch. She either needs to turn it around for 2009, or shoot the moon and come back Rourke style in 20 years (that is my advice to everyone. It’s really the worst fucking advice). Also, haha Pierce Brosnan. Pbbbbbbbt on you.