Whoops, Send Al Roker Back To Jail

As 2008 drew to a close, I quietly released Al Roker from jail. The fact of the matter is that I still find him to be an insufferable beacon of mediocrity, bobbing along in a tepid sea of condescending disingenuous inoffensiveness. But there are bigger threats in this world, namely Kathie Lee Gifford, who is a waking nightmare of venomous narcissistic spite in diamond shoes one size too small. She’s like a funny AIDS joke. Even if you laugh, you still recognize it’s cruel and inappropriate. People are actually dying from Kathie Lee Gifford all the time! In any case, I have a rule: I can only hate one person on the Today Show at any given time. If I ever find myself hating more than one person on the Today Show at any given time, that means that I am spending too much time thinking about the Today Show. And so, Kathie Lee Gifford went on the Worst People of 2008 list, and Al Roker was secretly released on his own recognizance.

UNTIL TODAY. Al was on the Howard Stern Show, and you know how it is with these guys and recidivism, whatever that means. At one point he was asked about his personal finances. Here’s what’s fucking lying in your neck of the woods:


Al Roker, “Today Show” host and weatherman was a great sport today on The Howard Stern Show. Al Roker spoke openly about his sex life, his salary and his controversial stomach stapling procedure.

Al Roker, “Today Show” host and weatherman, said he’s not sure if he’s a millionaire (yeah, right) and said he doesn’t really know what being a millionaire means. (yeah, right again). Stern said he read that Al Roker makes a million and a half a year and that Matt Lauer makes more than $13 million a year. Roker would only say that he’s paid “very fairly” by NBC.

Um, I’m willing to believe (I’m not willing to believe) that Al Roker doesn’t know whether or not he’s a millionaire because he’s too busy rubbing vaseline on his teeth and memorizing his rhyming dictionary so that the puns come quicker, but he absolutely knows what being a millionaire MEANS. This fucking guy. Such a man of the people. “I’m just like you, I don’t know what being a millionaire means! Der, who farted? Happy Birthday!” Unbelievable.

Hello, Warden. I believe you remember Mr. Roker. Straight to solitary? That makes sense.