What We Learned On The He’s Just Not That Into You Field Trip

So as mentioned in Friday’s Friday Fight, I really did attend a sold-out screening of #1 movie in the country He’s Just Not That Into You with seven female friends, one reluctant male friend, and several boxes of Bandit box wine this weekend. Chances are, if you’re interested in this movie, you already saw it this weekend too, but if you’re waiting, here are some things we learned (without a single spoiler!) that you should know.

1. The male among us insisted upon taking a Klonopin (like a Valium, but stronger) before the movie, which was like the tranquilizer darts they give to lions before putting them in the cage. He remained docile throughout most of the movie, despite a few instances of audible groaning. He also reported several times, unasked, throughout the movie that Scarlett Johansson was “actually hot in this movie.” So, guys, there’s that.

2. Drew Barrymore is BARELY in it. She’s a cameo. And if you saw the trailer, you saw her best scene. I’m sorry to report this (though it was a funny enough scene.)

3. Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck are the only likeable characters, but they are likeable. And the movie DOES have at least 8 laugh-out-loud moments.

4. The movie is too long, as evidenced by the Lord Of The Flies reaction to the whispered news that we were almost out of wine with a third of the movie to go. And we brought a LOT.

5. All of the girls rolled our eyes and sighed and made angry faces and shook our heads vehemently at each other, especially during the last half.

6. …But all of the girls also cried a little. Chick flicks are like a battle of wills, and the movie almost always wins.

7. As many reviews have noted, nobody learns any of the lessons the movie purports to teach.

8. God, Kevin Connolly is the worst!! He should totally star in a huge blockbuster where he has to save the world and instead turns around and runs away, peeing his pants for miles and miles. The guy is just not convincing as a leading man, even in an ensemble movie.

9. What is up with all the land lines in this movie, and all the talk about “When is he going to CALL?” Call? On the phone? Isn’t that kind of passe? Everyone I know has done all of their non-in-person dating communication over IM or text only.

10. I’m not going to “spoil” it, but there’s a line at the end, uttered by Justin Long, that we all repeated to each other the rest of the night while laughing (and it wasn’t supposed to be funny at all. It was supposed to be romantic.) It was trying to be the “you complete me” of this movie, but it’s definitely not going to happen.

As the screen went black and the credits rolled, we stumbled to our feet and enthusiastically started what we hoped would be a standing ovation, but everyone just starting normal-clapping instead. Good enough, but I hope it was clear that it was ironic. I swear. Totally ironic.