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An Open Letter To The American People

By Gabe Delahaye / January 26, 2009 - 9:09 am

Dear You Guys,

When Paul Blart: Mall Cop was the top-grossing film in the country on its opening weekend, I didn’t say anything. It happens. There was no word-of-mouth to speak of, maybe you didn’t know. And it’s January. People will do all kinds of things in the dead of winter to keep warm. Also, cabin fever! No, when Paul Blart: Mall Cop was the top-grossing film in the country on its opening weekend, America earned a pass. George W. Bush was still president!

But now Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the number one movie in America for two weeks in a row. Which means you guys are just being assholes. What’s wrong, no one wanted to see Four Christmases for a seventh time?

According to the AP, PB: MC is well on its way to surpassing 100 million dollars. Perfect. Never mind, United States Government, the economy is strong. We were just kidding about all those home foreclosures and drastic reductions in consumer confidence and skyrocketing unemployment rates. Total JK. Turns out we have tons of money to spend on WHATEVER.

There is no federal bail out for taste, America.

Sincerely,
Lindsay Robertson