Friday Fight: What Could Destroy Mark Wahlberg?

By Lindsay Robertson / October 10, 2008

gabe: How can Mark Wahlberg be destroyed?
lindsay: Mark Wahlberg cannot be destroyed.
lindsay: He has been so hardened by the mean streets of South Boston.
gabe: he is invincible!
gabe: he should have been destroyed so many times
gabe: by his choices
gabe: by the choices he has made
lindsay: Like his huge fake penis in Boogie Nights
gabe: i’m pretty sure his huge fake penis in boogie nights
gabe: was the complete inspriation behind Medellin in entourage
gabe: the fake penis in boogie nights is what ruined vincent chase’s career

gabe: there but for the grace of god goes mark wahlberg
gabe: is it his face?
lindsay: He survived cutting off the head of a german shepard and pushing it (just the head) through a family’s doggie door in Fear.
gabe: what is the source of his power?
lindsay: His innocence.
gabe: his innocence?
gabe: that makes no sense whatsoever
lindsay: He’s so innocent that he had to push a german shepard’s head through a doggie door to be nominated for best villian at the mtv movie awards.
gabe: he was a child felon, he was marky mark, he was an underwear model, and he was in fear

lindsay: The tough little boy grew up to be a sweet, kindly man
gabe: sweetness
gabe: maybe
gabe: not innocence
gabe: his sweetness
gabe: he looks like he probably gives pretty good hugs
lindsay: Also he looks a little downsy
gabe: well that’s simultaneously offensive and not true
lindsay: people say that about a lot of people
gabe: hahah “people”
gabe: you mean you say that about a lot of people?
lindsay: He gave Reese witherspoon her first orgasm on a ROLLER COASTER using only his HAND:

lindsay: (that scene is hilarious)
gabe: you are just citing the movie fear the whole time with no context
lindsay: I know. It’s an amazing movie.
gabe: what is the point you are trying to make?
gabe: you are the sarah palin of this argument
lindsay: that mark wahlberg can do anything
gabe: i don’t think that fear is represntative of mark wahlberg’s current power
gabe: i think it really could have gone either way
gabe: with fear
gabe: that was mark wahlberg at his most vulnerable
gabe: so maybe that is what could destroy him
gabe: FEAR 2
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: He’s so strong he was able to resist making ocean’s 12
gabe: he can talk tough, but he has to be hurting inside on that one
gabe: because mark wahlberg in the ocean’s movie
gabe: would have meant a truly indestructible mark wahlberg
lindsay: No, Mark Wahlberg never hurts inside. He has his entourage around him at all times.
gabe: everybody hurts, lindsay
lindsay: It must be hard for Donnie

lindsay: having to be in Saw
lindsay: and dance around like an idiot with the new kids again
lindsay: mark wahlberg is weird
lindsay: because he’s not even good looking
lindsay: he’s just the most average kind of trashy-faced looking white guy
gabe: yeah
gabe: what couldn’t destroy donnie?
lindsay: Jigsaw?
gabe: hahaha
gabe: you should probably be a professor of Saw Studies
lindsay: Man
lindsay: if Mark saw this
lindsay: he would sure get his panties in a funky bunch
gabe: woof
lindsay: groan
gabe: yikes
lindsay: yeah that was the worst
lindsay: try to do worse than that
lindsay: you can’t
gabe: if mark wahlberg saw this
lindsay: it would be like running from the wind
gabe: he wouldn’t know what was the happening but it would cause him max payne
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: if Mark saw this he would go to his nearest spa and get a Brazilian Job
gabe: last week’s SNL was actually a testament
gabe: to mark wahlberg’s power

gabe: because a parody of him
lindsay: Yeah, that’s true
gabe: just made people think
gabe: haha, i love mark wahlberg!
gabe: is that the case with any other parody on snl?
lindsay: hmmm, maybe christopher walken
lindsay: he’s the new christopher walken
gabe: but that’s him
gabe: that’s christopher walken palying himself
lindsay: you know, I suspect that Mark Wahlberg doesn’t have a sense of humor about that sketch.
lindsay: I think secretly he’s very angry about it
lindsay: because where he comes from
lindsay: the hard streets of Southie
lindsay: you don’t do that
lindsay: you get punched for doing that
gabe: so what you are saying
gabe: is that the only thing
gabe: that could destroy mark wahlberg
gabe: is the real mark wahlberg
lindsay: Yeah
lindsay: he bottles his deep anger within.
lindsay: While most actors would have loved being given a gigantic fake penis to wear in a movie
lindsay: I bet Mark still secretly seethes that he didn’t get to use his own.
lindsay: “It was big enough. It was almost big enough. Why couldn’t they have used it?”
gabe: haha
lindsay: He wakes up thinking that every day
gabe: no one can defend themselves from THE TRUTH