An Open Letter To The American People

Gabe Delahaye | October 6, 2008 - 9:01 am

Dear You Guys,

Come on. I say that with as much sympathy and patience as I can, but seriously, come on. It’s 2008. We’re in the middle of the worst economic crisis we’ve faced in 80 years. There’s a close and fateful election happening that the entire world is watching with bated breath and fingers crossed. Gas is through the roof. We’re fighting wars on two separate fronts while keeping our militaristic eye firmly on North Korea and Iran. Clay Aiken is officially gay. Through all of these things, people keep talking about the exceptionalism of America, and the greatness of the American people. Well let me tell you something, there was no exceptionalism and no greatness this weekend. #1 MOVIE IN THE COUNTRY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

It’s time to try just a little harder, you guys. If everyone kept their tires inflated properly and tried just a little bit harder, we’d reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and we’d ensure that there was not a Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. As it stands, we’re unwilling or unable to loosen the middle east’s stranglehold on our energy needs, and there is DEFINITELY going to be a Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. I’m just asking that we all try. Just a tiny bit of trying. I know that it is sad and hard to try, but how about you start being a man, America.

Because what this tells me is that sure, gas is 17 dollars a gallon, but it’s still worth driving to the Cineplex to catch BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA. Sure, both presidential candidates are working hard to push their important messages that represent vastly different ideological systems by which they would run this country through the media noise of a 24-hour news cycle, but one message that clearly got through was that BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA was IN THEATERS. Somehow the messages of AND ALSO IT IS THE WORST and HOLLYWOOD SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF ITSELF got lost in transmission. Oh well. This tells me that sure, America wants to be the city upon a hill, looked to by the entire world as a beacon of hope and freedom, but also America wants to be a retard factory on a hill, looked to by the entire world as a beacon of retards being retarded.

Come on, you guys. Seriously. It’s time to come on.
Lindsay Robertson