Gwyneth Paltrow Has No Idea What Gwyneth Paltrow Looks Like To People Who Are Not Gwyneth Paltrow

By Gabe Delahaye / September 23, 2008

Gwyneth Paltrow has launched a lifestyles website called goop.com. FINE. I’m not the boss of the internet. You do what you want, Gwyneth Paltrow. You start a website nobody needs and give it a name nobody likes. NOT MY PROBLEM. But let’s please be honest about what’s happening here. This is a vanity project from an actress who’s mostly abandoned and been abandoned by Hollywood in the hopes that if Iron Man doesn’t really turn things around the way she hoped, she’ll have a nice little Oprah-style media empire to work on. FAIR ENOUGH. We should all be so lucky. But if it’s at all possible for Gwyneth Paltrow to at least disguise the fact that she’s a wealthy, insufferable dolt with a complete lack of self-awareness and not the slightest understanding of how the average person experiences the world, that would be great, thanks. For example, in her introductory essay explaining GOOP to people, maybe she could present it in an objective, carefully worded way that doesn’t reek of self-congratulation and the satisfaction of the haute bourgeoise, that would be great.

My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard. I love being a mother who has to overcome my bad qualities to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice.

NOPE. Just for the record Gwyneth Paltrow, EVERYONE LOVES BEING IN SPACES THAT ARE CLEAN AND FEEL NICE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.