I know you were so upset when John Mayer cancelled his appearance at Comedy Cellar earlier this month. Well, turns out Johnny made good on his promise and did a surprise set at the club Friday night. Blogger Jason Pinter was unimpressed:

Mayer gets on stage. He’s wearing a unibomber sweatshirt, and has long, scraggly hair. He’s pretty tall and skinny. He’s pacing around stage, leaning on the walls, slurring his words. It’s pretty obvious the guy’s drunk or stoned, maybe both. And he proceeds to give the most awkward, offensive, unfunny 15 minute comedy act I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been to amateur night. This was way worse. Mayer must have been the lucky recipient of some sort of Comedy Affirmative Action program.

Anyway, here’s what we learned during John Mayer’s rambling, disjointed “stand up”:

1) Women are sluts (If you’re expecting a punchline here…so were we. Didn’t come.)
2) Lots of sluts have “unlocked their Masterlock” for him. Ew.
3) New Yorkers aren’t really bothered much by terrorism. Cause there’s like “Missiles and shit” constantly being launched at us and we’re used to it. Um…right. Might want to quit while you’re behind, John.
4) He lives up on a hill “away from the black people.” (Danger, Will Robinson, danger)
5) If white people were allowed to use the ’N’ word, he would use it about 1,000 times a day. And yes, Mayer did use the ’N’ word during his act. Several times.

It was so bad, that the comedians following Mayer made fun of him. Not just “tee hee” kind of ribbing, but, “Can you believe that guy can hold a job” kind of ribbing. Now comedians are always ripping on each other in jest (one night I actually ended up drinking with Dave Attell at about 4 a.m., and learned that comedians are about the tightest group of people you could ever meet). But these guys were letting Mayer have it for imposing on their stage. Kevin Brennan, who had the good fortune of following Mayer (with the laugh-starved audience thankful to once again hear funny material), said, “Man, this is the best reception I’ve ever had. I want John Mayer to open for me every night.”

When his set ended, John Mayer left by saying, “Ok, I’m off to write more songs.”

Link via Gawker, who has also unearthed evidence that Rivers Cuomo shouldn’t try stand-up either.

UPDATE: Sherrod Small Calls Bullshit

“This is ridiculous. The guy took John’s words and turned them around. It wasn’t insensitve. Money, he used the N word once at the end of the show when he was talking about his Dave Chappelle appearance and how people come up to him and say ’give me a pound, nigga.’ Nobody was offended. Everybody loved it.”

Speaking of King Dave, Chappelle Show co-writer Neal Brennan tells Maxim a crew member’s hard laugh during a racially insensitive skit might have caused Chappelle to fly off the handle.

“Well, this particular crew member had a condescending laugh- but that’s just the way he laughs. But, yeah, that was Dave’s feeling, and you can’t change someone’s feeling. … What happened in the last year is the weirdest thing I can remember happening in TV, movies, or music. There’s no parallel. These lost episodes are the weirdest thing since Geraldo opened Al Capone’s vault. The audience likes them. The crew likes them. One of the people who wrote them likes them. But the guy who’s in them somehow didn’t. I don’t know what to make of it.”

Would Brennan ever work with Chappelle again?

“No. There’s no chance.”

And we thought the Friars were bitchy!

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Comments (39)
  1. honestly, what was anyone expecting?

  2. egg  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2006 0

    Someone, please post audio/video from this!

  3. El Payo  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2006 0

    Like we needed confirmation that the guy is a dick?

  4. Memememe  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2006 0

    I am laughing out loud reading that. Thank you Jason Pinter, wherever you are.

  5. Stephen  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2006 0

    Rivers thing from what I’ve read is actually pretty funny and a good story, I wouldn’t compare it to Mayer’s drunken blathering. My sister met him at a bar in LA and said he was the most pretentious twat she’d ever met.
    But that thing he did where he went into the parking lot of his concert in a bear costume and made fun of himself to his fans was pretty funny…couldn’t have been his idea.

  6. “honestly, what was anyone expecting?”

    that his buddy Dave Chappelle wrote some jokes for him

  7. booboo  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2006 0

    the guy is a LOO-ZAH

  8. Rina  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2006 0

    I can’t believe that essay was for a Harvard course. I love Rivers, but I also remember reading his acceptance essay a while back and there is no way he would’ve been accepted if he were a civilian.

  9. Zacharye Bread  |   Posted on Jun 26th, 2006 0

    Yet more proof that Mayer is cooler than most everybody else.

  10. rivers is married?

  11. a is for applebits  |   Posted on Jun 27th, 2006 0

    Aw, Rivers got married!

    But anyway, um…I wish soembody had been able to tape it or something. I’d like to see for myself what exactly John Mayer seemed to think he was doing up there…

  12. tobias funke  |   Posted on Jun 27th, 2006 0

    i am not too shocked, when it comes to the rivers thing. i mean, just look at the lyrics from make believe. the guy is like a 14 year old with a xanga masquerading as an ivy league educated genius.

    something happened to him, i think, and he feels like he needs to act much dumber than he is.

  13. anti  |   Posted on Jun 28th, 2006 0

    I saw him on Jay Leno and/or Connan O’Brien and he was pretty funny, seemed like he has a good sense of humer, i do not believe that stuff that was said about him.

  14. iceandthenfire  |   Posted on Jun 28th, 2006 0

    Mayer’s remarks were really crude. I like his voice but some of his songs are a little crude too.

  15. diana  |   Posted on Jun 28th, 2006 0

    who freakin cares! duh john mayer isnt good at on command comedy, get over it!

  16. marcy  |   Posted on Jun 28th, 2006 0

    hell, not to sound like a typical blonde here but john mayer can say all the crude things he wants on stage, as long as off stage he’s singin to me, and im “oooooo-ing” along right back at him, if your pickin up what im puttin down~…

  17. amanda  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2006 0

    john mayer sucks and we all know it.

  18. nellie  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2006 0

    J.M (that’s what I call him) has insecurities like the rest of us, and he was probably so nervous that you couldn’t get a pin up his ass w/ a jack hammer. So what- everyone drinks too much and makes an ass out of themselves when they’re nervous.

  19. REALITYCHICK  |   Posted on Jul 4th, 2006 0

    WHEN YOU WIN YOUR THIRD GRAMMY, THEN MAYBE YOU’LL HAVE AN OPINION THAT COUNTS. YOU’RE JEALOUS AND AREN’T EVEN COOL ABOUT IT. YOU DON’T KNOW HIM AND NEITHER DO THE REST OF YOU CRITICS, TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT, IDIOTS.
    BIG PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IDEAS, SMALL PEOPLE TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE…HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRYING TO BE FUNNY, AT LEAST HE TRIED. YOU ARN’T EVEN INTERESTING

  20. Kelly  |   Posted on Jul 5th, 2006 0

    I still love John. His music rocks. I could care less about what comedy routine he might try to do. He’s a musician who likes to try everything else out as well, since he’s got the In. Who cares if he sucked. He probably realized it more than anyone. I agree that some are probably envious of his obvious success. He’s very talented with that guitar. Leave him alone. Grab a cd, listen to him play.

  21. hey guys i love john mayer , and mann folks act crazy just for fun , so just chill and suck it up

  22. Zack  |   Posted on Aug 9th, 2006 0

    you all are a bunch of dumbasses…john mayer doesnt drink and u keep rambling about how he was drunk or stoned…get ur facts right..the guys never touched a drink in his life…i mean…and im sure he’s not the best comedian in the world…but he’s sure as shit one of the best songwriters of this generation, and i mean..he’s one up on ne1 who doesnt have the balls to get on stage and have a comedy act…plus when u cash a check as big as his..im sure he doesnt give 2 shits if u like him comedy acts or not…ur still buying his cd’s haha ..assholes….get a life…NOT THEIRS! ..fuck VH1 reality shit

  23. Zack  |   Posted on Aug 9th, 2006 0

    you all are a bunch of dumbasses…john mayer doesnt drink and u keep rambling about how he was drunk or stoned…get ur facts right..the guys never touched a drink in his life…i mean…and im sure he’s not the best comedian in the world…but he’s sure as shit one of the best songwriters of this generation, and i mean..he’s one up on ne1 who doesnt have the balls to get on stage and have a comedy act…plus when u cash a check as big as his..im sure he doesnt give 2 shits if u like him comedy acts or not…ur still buying his cd’s haha ..assholes….get a life…NOT THEIRS! ..fuck VH1 reality shit

  24. jed2  |   Posted on Aug 31st, 2006 0

    dudes, seriously, where the fuck are all these John Mayer fans coming from? The guy wrote a song whose chorus is “your body is a wonderland”. I mean, c’mon.

  25. cn  |   Posted on Sep 1st, 2006 0

    Dont you think that with everything going on in the world theres a better, more important subject than john mayer being a dumbass?

  26. Magnoni9  |   Posted on Sep 25th, 2006 0

    It comes to me a surprise that John Mayer would flop doing comedy. Half the reason why I love seeing him in concert is because he’s so freaking funny. To me, his jokes are smart. However, I didn’t see his act at that club, so I can’t say anything for his talent that night. But He’s always been a pretty funny guy when I’ve seen him.

  27. apple  |   Posted on Oct 24th, 2006 0

    well, john may rot as a stand up comedian. this is absolutely not destined for him, or he’s just plain and simple trying hard. but dudes, don’t you say “wow” when he starts playing the guitar?

  28. lorry  |   Posted on Nov 11th, 2006 0

    i wasnt there so i cant say if he was funny or not on the night but ive seen interviews and he is one of the funniest guys ive ever heard. but in the end who cares if he can do stand up comedy or not. so buy his cd and then have an opinion on weather hes crap or not. dont just judge by what some guy wrote in an article.
    and i agree with zack. john mayer hasnt drunk since he was 16. he wasnt stoned just himself.

  29. Rob Sams  |   Posted on Nov 12th, 2006 0

    Who cares? Let the man give it a shot. Let me ask you something. The first time you rode a bicycle without training wheels, what happened? I’m willing to bet you didn’t immediately set out to conquer Lance Armstrong. He wants to try something new and learn, let him do it. Once you write comedy you become better at everything. Just chill out. That’s all.

  30. Paul  |   Posted on Nov 25th, 2006 0

    Get over it. John Mayer is like Michale Bolton minus Kenny G. He is arrogant and every time I hear his music it makes me feel better about myself by comparison. I don’t have to win a Grammy to know talent or to possess it myself, and if you knew the reputation of the Grammy Awards you wouldn’t hold it up as some true test of talent. But you type all caps, and are probably fat and ugly. Did I hit a nerve? Now go gorge on ice cream. You are what John Mayer is marketed to. People who will take whatever superficial shit they send doen the pike. You can tell he is fortunate to have gotten a break with his god-awful singing, and in fact MOST people realize that, but he doesn’t seem to. Face it: it’s been a dry 10-15 years talent-wise, and even then John Mayer is among the bottom half of his shitty cohorts.

  31. Chris  |   Posted on Jan 17th, 2007 0

    Yeah.. nah.

    Oh btw i know a place where i can take your imaginary friends to die. MOO MUCH?

  32. Daisy  |   Posted on Apr 24th, 2007 0

    I have to first say that the Paul guy seems to care what people think of John Mayer as much as anyone else, he even goes as far as to insult the people defending him! He clearly has extremely low self esteem and needs to put down other people, including John Mayer and the other reader, just to try to make himself feel better. Secondly, I think John Mayer is an amazing artist and these days, singers aren’t limited to just the music business. If John Mayer wants to expand and dip into comedy, why shouldn’t he? I’ve also seen him in interviews and found him hilarious so I don’t believe he was a flop, despite what the Rivers said. John Mayer is one of the best artists of his generation and he has just as much right as anyone to try his hand at stand-up. And Paul, I don’t want to lower myself to your standard but SCREW YOU, clearly you’re no better than what you think John Mayer is, an arrogant ass!

  33. ThePundit  |   Posted on Aug 5th, 2007 0

    If you think John Mayer is a hack, you have to read this blog. It is hilarious and very true!
    http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=156438447&blogID=295923639

  34. EveryonesHero  |   Posted on Sep 16th, 2007 0

    Why’s every got to rag on John? He has awesome music, that stand up was awesome, and…uh…something else that might have made a goo point to what I’m trying to say…

  35. andrew  |   Posted on Feb 26th, 2008 0

    It was…okay, I guess. He had some good moments on stage. He was probably nervous as all hell (he even states this on his blog) and screwed up, is all. At least he’s a better singer than most of the greedy untalented hacks out there (pretty much everyone coming out of American Idol…except for Daughtry, who doesn’t even WANT to be famous, thank God), and at least he has a better sense of himself humor-wise when writing.

    And the person he said he was a pretentious twat….what? Did you meet the same Mayer I did? I actually thought he was a nice guy, as did my friends who met him as well. He’s a geek, yeah, but then, we all are… cut him some slack.

  36. Jackie  |   Posted on Jul 23rd, 2008 0

    Three words: JOHN MAYER TRIO. That’s where his talent really stands and he knows it.

  37. darryl  |   Posted on Dec 7th, 2008 0

    The dude def drinks….might even do drugs. But definitely drinks

  38. Katie  |   Posted on Dec 11th, 2009 0

    Honestly, I don’t get 99.9 percent of JM’s jokes.

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