He’s Zack! He’s Wack! Get Used to It!

By Joe Mande / March 15, 2011

YIIIIIIKES’L TOV!

Zack, listen. First of all, congrats, l’chaim, etc.

But, dude, you need to get this video removed from the Internet immediately! Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very cool that your parents are so open-minded and supportive of your eccentricities. But they shouldn’t be allowed to put this on YouTube. It’s borderline child abuse. Also, you are entering the worst, most difficult stretch of your life. So, to answer your question, no. No one wishes they could be Zachary at this point in time. It looks a little rough!

To be clear, I am not making fun of you, Zachary. Or your fedoras. Or your multi-colored yarmulke. Or your gardening. Or your pottery. Or your cooking. Or your gemology. Or your appreciation for Robert Palmer imagery. Or your refusal to swim in swimming pools with water that’s too cool. But the thing is, I totally could make fun of you about those things if I wanted. Because, as you know, according to Talmudic Law you are now a man in the eyes of God. Also, God made you in his image, which means both you and God need to TAKE IT EASY. Holy shit. Amen.

That said…this video was pretty dope, technically speaking. You weren’t kidding about loving Apple Keynotes, son! You are all up on that After Effects Middle Child Syndrome Auto Tune #Swag.

And this might be nitpicking, but can you please tell Benjamin P. that his rap makes no sense? This “Zachary factory” he speaks of, it shut down after making only one Zachary? That’s kind of a shitty factory! You can’t be the most unique person in history AND be made in a factory. I doubt you or Benjamin P. have ever been to a factory, but you guys understand the concept of a factory, right? That it mass-produces identical copies of something? All I’m saying is it’s flawed logic. If you’re so unique, then you should be an Artisan Zachary. You seem like an Artisan Zachary.

Anyway, congratulations again. And good luck getting through the next five years.

(Thanks to David R. for finding this.)