It tends to be a pretty good time when The Smoking Gun unearths these rocker tour riders. Mostly because we get to laugh at musicians’ uncensored, exorbitant, diva-like demands and feel pretty good that we’re nowhere near that silly as we wash down Cheetos with swigs of our Big Gulps at our sweet cubicles in offices where people never remember our names. HOWEVER today I’m not really going to throw stones, at least not in Maya Arulpragasam’s direction. For one, the lady is pregnant and I don’t believe in hurling rocks at women while they’re pregnant because I’m a total gentleman. But also, TSG’s making a big deal about M.I.A.’s detailed cheese requests? Because she wants “cave-aged gruyere”? You’re stretching, TSGun. Nobody really cares what I eat, but if that was my rider, the cheese list would be frighteningly full of polysyllabic fromage with stipulations that it smell like baby diapers and basically I’d be written off as a cheese freak and the laughing stock of the rider-analysis circuit. “Cave aged” is nothing. Besides, this is her 2008 rider so she was probably eating for two and what fetus wouldn’t enjoy the earthy, rich flavor of a nice gruyere? Oh but “12 cans of Coke (no Pepsi)”? Figures. Diva.
You can scan Maya’s here. It’s only two pages so that’s a good sign of overall down-to-earthedness. Rihanna’s working with a four-pager, so beware Chris Brown. Also there’s Rage Against The Machine’s, which demand socks, underwear, and that “WE MUST HAVE HEALTHY AND WELL BALANCED MEALS.” The caps lock makes it radical.