Now streaming at Ryan Adams’s site and preserved here for posterity:

Rappin’ Ryan spits ample shoutouts to Staten Island and the Internet. Then it gets REALLY weird. “Kevin Costner Dot Com WHAT THE FUCK! 2003. Updated by witches!” What the fuck indeed.

We’re speechless. Someone please transcribe the whole thing? PLEASE?

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Comments (54)
  1. heather  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    balls.

  2. dick caveat  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Having sucked the 70′s dry, it’s obviously 12:01 1/1/80 at RyanAdams.com and he’s hammered.

  3. chris  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Wow, he finally got wasted enough to make Rock N Roll seem relatively awesome. This guy needs an edit button more than he needs rehab.

  4. Ben  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    This is seriously one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard!! I LOVE Ryan Adams even more than I did before for this! oh man, toooo funny.

  5. Sweet fancy Moses, that was awesome. I cried.

  6. Ben  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    I mean, if you can listen to this and not laugh, you must be brain dead. I managed to hear “1 1/2 stars” and “his albums are long and sappy, basically alternative country but crappy”. So, I’m guessing this mad rhyme is pointed at all the reviewers and people who won’t cut Ryan a break and talk about how washed out he is. I’m a fan of Ryan’s, even the new stuff, and I think this is awesome of him. WHAT A G!

  7. Ben  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    P.S. If you click on the dash of the starship, it takes you to hear another song.

  8. ext. 292  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Holy helicopter soup. I am not sure if this can be topped. Balsa Wood Yo!

  9. Mark Swiderski  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    The witch voice he does is fantastic.

  10. kelly  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    if you click on the yellow buttons on the teleport section (http://www.ryan-adams.com/teleport) there are more “country songs”

  11. Douchebaggery  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    His rhymes and beats sound like Midnight Vultures era beck.

  12. Is it just me or is he kind of biting Kool Keith’s flow?
    1 1/2 stars…

  13. exoskeleton  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    when was the last time he did something beck couldn’t do a million times better?

  14. http://www.ryan-adams.com/teleport.html

    there’s a different “Country” song when you click each button as well

    hehe

  15. nm, i missed Kelly’s comment above

    anyone else think he sounds a bit like Isaac Brock when he raps at times?

  16. awesome  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    awwww shit! dot com, mother fuckers! kevin bacon, what the fuck!

  17. Tony G  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Pitchfork would give that a 9.3, for sure.

  18. this is just too much to handle. this new website is a cornucopia of nonsense. especially the teleport section. hysterical.

  19. sasefina  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    You really have to love Ryan Adams. He just continues to not give a fuck.

  20. joshua  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    that is my new favorite website. ryan adams is cool.

  21. Ben  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Isn’t this the part where all the Ryan Adams bashers come around? Where are they?

  22. ryan's credibility  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    I’m lost….

  23. Ben  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Apparently they’re at Pitchfork

  24. when he started singing in his witch voice… i coughed out my nose diet code red mtn. dew mixed with oreos. when i blew my nose it looked like my brains were coming out of my face. ryan adams is cooler that all of us.

  25. Stephen  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Give me a fucking break Pitchfork.
    It’s a freaking joke, the fact that they even made it a news story is kind of retarded.

  26. Hilarious. The man has a great sense of humor.

  27. ok, so ryan adams and beck get wasted at a bar…

  28. El Payo  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Awwwwwww shit.
    Look who got a website.

    That’s right.

    Dot com.
    What the fuck.

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    New York City it’s up!

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    Staten Island.

    Ancient Sumerians
    Anna Sarriss…
    Ohhh shit.

    Well if I could get around to my rhymes
    Then I could destroy galaxies
    of alt.country wannabees
    With a bottle of whisky
    And a wizard and a mime
    Until then?
    Dot com motherfucker!

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    New York City!

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    Staten Island
    Yo!

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    Anna Serris ohhhh

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    Anna Serris you out of this world
    like ancient Sumerians
    apparently we came from ancient Sumerians
    they came down and gave the world a bunch of technology
    because they wanted to clone themselves and that was
    and maybe be on the Earth
    and get some some stuff that they needed
    for their planet
    but then they had to split
    so they went to another planet
    we stayed here
    and now we just yell at each other
    and have milkshakes
    Hi Anna

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    Awww shit Anna Serris

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    You a g-g-g-g-genius

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    Kevin Bacon was a cock!

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    Well up these streets are digital roads
    Goin into your mind like if you think it was your nose
    and your nose was sucking coke and drinksin E
    Trippin’ too hard and gotta be
    What was a dezzin Kevin Bacon
    Makin Waterworld 3
    They ain’t even made 2 yet
    Yo that was Costner partner

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    kevincostner.com what the fuck?

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    two thousand and three

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    updated by witches

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    This website’s updated by witches
    witches
    witches n’ me
    weird witches
    roll about and leap
    with their hair on fire
    and their nails long
    and they’re screaming at animals and people
    and they’re going crazy
    and they need to take a break from recording

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    Aww shit – it’s a long record.

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    c-c-c-c-c-c-critics

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker

    One and a half stars yeah!

    CHORUS: Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    Aww shit
    One and a half stars
    3 records sold
    my record went balsa wood
    in Indio or someplace that I’m not from
    you know what I’m saying man?
    And then the guy goes “This record is very long and sappy.
    Basically he’s alternative country but crappy.”

    CHORUS: Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker
    Mix masters please report to the dance floor
    Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker
    Mix masters please report to the dance floor

    Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker
    Mix masters please report to the dance floor
    Welcome to RyanAdams.com motherfucker
    Mix masters please report to the dance floor

  29. howard  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    eggs!

  30. Chloe  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Fuckin’ genius XD

  31. El Payo  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Also: is it Anna Serris, Anna Sarris or Anna Farris?

    The whisky makes it hard to tell.

  32. ha ha.. hilarious! thanks for the link!

    what is with the constant ryan adams bashing? i just don’t get it. pitchfork says he ‘subjects’ the listener to this crap? no. you click the link, and listen if you choose. ‘subjection’ is what happens when people do things to you against your will.

    don’t people laugh any more? brutal…

  33. M.  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Since no one else has mentioned it or saved it for posterity, upon first clicking teleport, you actually get another “rap” song, ostensibly titled “Drunk Santa” that is also pretty funny. Please someone grab that one and up it here as well.

  34. sasefina  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    What a humorless douche Ryan Schreiber is. Get over yourself.

  35. sasefina  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    What a humorless douche Ryan Schreiber is. Get over yourself.

  36. Ben  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Yea for serious. We need to find that Pitchfork guy and e-mial him or something….. for serious.

  37. Kev  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Haha, actually that was a lot more entertaining than the last Beck record.

  38. a is for applebits  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    I LOL’d.

    Ryan rules. I never thought he didn’t, but honestly, I don’t get why people constantly say shit about him. While yeah, it’s a little lame that he really cares so much about everyone else’s opinions, he’s talented and this only reaffirms my confidence in his bonafide mad skillz.

  39. Laura  |   Posted on Sep 27th, 2006 0

    Haha Drunk Santa is great too!

  40. Ethan  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2006 0

    “I miss you drunk santa.”

  41. Mark S  |   Posted on Sep 28th, 2006 0

    Wow, looks like Ryan Adams bashing is out, Pitchfork bashing is in.

    Seriously though, if this was some joke one of your friends did and put it on their myspace, would you find it funny or ridiculously lame?

    Gotta side with Pitchfork on this one. Ryan Adams seems to have a need to be listened to at all times, regardless of whether he’s got something to say or he’s just being a fool. Next time you’re at a party and you want to kill it, try taking a page from the “witch rap” book.

  42. nice nice. pitchfork….just…no. ryan adams is sweet. pitchfork have no adventure in their indie/hip hopper little hearts. ryan adams has always ruled.

  43. Ryan adams is a shit to the blogsphere for not telling his dogs (lost highway) to back off a criminal prosecution against bloggers.

    we should NEVER buy his stuff. he’s got nerve writing about the web, it’s like he’s laughing at all bloggers.

  44. he sounds like he’s trying to pull a Steve Albini in places (the talking vocals, at least). ha! but yeah–funny for about a minute.

  45. actual file downloaded from website, it’s only 20kbps but doesn’t have people clicking in it!

  46. Bridge  |   Posted on Oct 10th, 2006 0

    okay, this is a stupid comment but could someone please e-mail me and explain whether or not Ryan Adams is really a heroine addict? I’ve heard mixed reviews.Sure, he’s an alcoholic but to say he’s on heroine seems a bit much. It could explain his brilliance though. Please enlighten me!! steed461@hotmail.com

  47. Bridge  |   Posted on Oct 10th, 2006 0

    Is Ryan really a heroine addict?Could explain his brilliance but I hope not!

  48. Bridge  |   Posted on Oct 10th, 2006 0

    Is Ryan really a heroine addict?Could explain his brilliance but I hope not!

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