It?s on! Welcome the 49th Grammy Award Show, coming to you live you from Stereogum HQ. It?s going to be a long night, but we?re super excited. We?ve got Police to praise, Blunt to mock, and Timberlake backup singers to handicap. Plus ? there?s always those wacky Grammy commercials!
We?ve also got some eyes and ears at the actual ceremony, so if our spies don?t get their Blackberry thumbs broken by the NARAS secret police we?ll have some inside dirt to pass along as well.
So sit back, grab as much beer as you need to make The Dixie Chicks sound like Cat Power and the Memphis Rhythm Band, and keep that finger on the refresh button. Live blog begins in five?
Exactly how close do you have to be to Ludacris to call him ?Luda??
Police take the stage. Think we saw Diddy waving a cellphone in the front row. Does this jazz-odyssey version of “Roxanne” count as a medley?
Nice early win for Tony Bennett. and Stevie Wonder. Stevie’s looking positively planetary in that outfit. Ouch, not only did the music start, but they had the Grammy bouncer out on stage as well. Who is the bouncer coming after next? James Blunt?
StereoSpy Update: Collective gasp/snicker in the audience when Tony Bennett thanked Target.
Dixie Chicks take the stage. Love the bride-with-slutty-bridesmaids look. Rick Rubin has these girls on the right track.
Rick Rubin’s Dixie Chicks Makeover #2: RHCP’s Chad Smith on the skins!
Who’s doing the sound tonight? Beyoncé’s reverb sounds like a bathroom at the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Since we’re working on our gambling problem, we’ve decided to handicap the My Grammy Moment contest. We have three contenders to backup JT: Africa, Robyn, and Brenda. At this point we’re giving Africa 3-1 to take the backup gig. She’s got the chops, the name, and sounds a little bit like Mariah Carey without the crazy.
Does anybody else find it strange that the same guys who wrote “My Humps” are out there plugging Booker T.?
What a pro, Mary J. kept her notecards in her purse! Here comes the bouncer!
StereoSpy Update: We’re in. Everyone is really dressed up, but standing in the hallway housing McDonalds and pretzels which is kind of weird. Grammy merch is for sale at typically ridiculous prices. One guy is wearing a shirt that he just bought. Dude – wearing a Grammy shirt… to the Grammys? Don’t be that guy.
The Grammy programs have paintings and other artistic renditions of nominated artists. The John Mayer one is creepy and I fear it will haunt my dreams all week.
JT takes the stage for the song that is definitely absolutely NOT about Britney. Whoa JustinCam. This video is totally going up on Justin’s MySpace. Nice eyebrow tweeze, JT!
Mary J. takes her second consecutive award for Best Female R&B Vocal Performance. The second installment of Mary J.’s self-empowerment spiel has us puzzled: Is it success that tells you who you are, or is it failure? Sounds like Mary J. has been taking life advice from Fergie.
Random Grammy Fun Fact: Andy Summers was born on 12/31/42, making him 11 months older than Keith Richards. He also wrote the Weekend At Bernie’s soundtrack. A full life, that.
Legend v. Mayer. Some hot John on John action. They join Corinne Bailey Rae on the single most soporific performance in Grammy history.
We feel a solo coming. Get ready for the Mayer “Oh” face.
Non-televised Grammy update: The computer algorithm that wrote “My Humps” beat out Death Cab for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group.
John Mayer wins Best Pop Vocal Album. Text 1 for Africa.
Commercial break food for thought: Do John Mayer and Corinne Bailey Rae have the same haircut?
Boff-Marry-Kill: Nellie Furtado, any of the Pussycat Dolls, James Blunt.
Wyclef and his tighty whiteys joins the most truthful hips in the biz on a Middle Eastern-infused belly dancing lesson. Wyclef nearly pulls a hamstring.
Put that in your Blunt and smoke it: Dixie Chicks and Martin Maguire win Song Of The Year for “Not Ready To Make Nice.” We don’t wanna get ahead of ourselves, but James is getting shut out. Is tonight the last we ever hear his name? Fingers crossed.
This just in: “Weird Al” loses coveted surround sound award to Donald Fagen. Prepare for a withering “Morph The Hack” spoof.
Grammy Contest Update: Our StereoSpy reports that Robyn has packed the hall full of ringers. Vote Africa, people! We don’t want to get our kneecaps broken!
Gnarls, finally! And they’re dressed as … as flight attendants? Is this a Soul Plane reference? You know there are people in the audience that haven’t heard this song before. Only at The Grammys!
Kanye’s on stage with Common to present Best Rap Album. No Fendi advertisements on his cranium tonight. Peace. Love. The Gap.
Either Mandy Moore is a giant, or Luke Wilson is a teeny tiny. No wonder Zach Braff dumped her.
We have no idea what she’s singing, but Carrie Underwood makes us long for the Starlight Vocal Band.
Oh, Rascal Flatts. Just when we thought we couldn’t like The Eagles any less.
The Police only get one song and The Eagles get a medley?
What happened to Craig Kilborn?
Carrie Underwood wins Best Country Album. Simon Cowell celebrates by massaging his breasts to nipple erection.
“Tracks Of My Tears”? Smokey looks like he’s had his tearducts removed. He couldn’t even cry at this point if he wanted to.
Holy crap, it’s Tim Burton’s Riverdance. So this is what it feels like to get served.
Too much smoke! Christina’s gonna pass out.
The Police just broke up.
Mayer and Christina need to have a face off.
No major awards show has a worse celebrity to insider you don’t recognize ratio than the Grammys. Who are these people?
Wow, Mastercard really nailed/skewered the irony of the whole “bedhead chic” thing. Comb your hair, faux-hipster! What is this, 2001?
They arranged this classical break so two-thirds of the Dixie Chicks could go out and have a smoke.
Wish we could make fun of dead people.
We already miss James Brown!
Ludacris takes the stage, Stevie Wonder immediately sues Luda’s singing conga player.
A children’s choir can only mean one thing: Michael Jackson is about to make a guest appearance!
StereoSpy reports that James Blunt has had a rib removed so that he can better make love to himself.
Somewhere right now your 4th grade teacher is weeping.
It’s about time somebody got around to honoring the Cosimo Sound.
You’re welcome, Prince. Your personalized note means everything to us.
Well, this girl can sing, at least. She looks pretty comfortable up there. Almost as if she knew this would be happening…
Anybody catch JT air guitaring his penis on the “My Love” outro? Impressive.
Two phrases we’d never thought we’d hear in the same sentence: “Tony Bennett” and “Grindhouse.”
Quentin Tarantino is high on Quentin Tarantino. This joke brought to you by Target.
You know what the music means, Dixie chicks — heh heh!
Well it’s past 11, so we can make “Dick In A Box” jokes. Uncensored telecast will be up on YouTube tomorrow.
Please please let him make a global warming joke.
Conveniently, the Chili Peppers were already downstairs. Start a rock band! Start a rock band! Chad Smith now looks and acts like Will Ferrell.
StereoSpy Update: RHCP’s amp had “love to ornette coleman” written on it in case anyone was wondering.
StereoSpy is now covered in little white pieces of paper.
Anna Nicole Smith is still dead. The Police are back together.
We recognize Scarlett Johansson, but which Baldwin is that?
All Grammy-related disappointment is relative, but the Dixie Chicks? This sucks.
Mercifully, the curtain has fallen on another year of industry wankery. We want to thank you all for reading and posting. We’ll be back next year to liveblog the (hopefully James Blunt-free) 50th anniversary. If anyone needs us, we’ll be washing our ears and eyes out with soap.