Welcome to the Grammys 2009, which promises to be a very special night in which Radiohead will perform with the USC marching band (proof!) and Robert Plant & Alison Krauss will win all the awards. Of course with all the promised performances there will be barely any time to hand out tiny gramophones. So far No Age missed their chance to be the first Smell band to win a Grammy (losing best packaging to Metallica’s terrifying vagina) and Rick Rubin beat Danger Mouse for Best Beard in Music Production. We figure nothing can be as bad as will.i.am last year, but he’s here again this year, so we can’t make any promises. Judging from the pre-event arrivals, M.I.A. might make good on her promise to give birth during her performance of “Paper Planes,” so let’s hurry up and get to this. This year’s special treat: We’ve got Gabe and Lindsay from Videogum over to make with the funny, and we’ll have EXCLUSIVE CONTENT on Twitter. You can’t stop this. This Grammys is REAL:
8:00 And we’re off with … U2′s “Sexy Boots.”
8:04: Well that happened. Not as interesting as Paul McCartney’s dye job.
8:05: Whitney Houston gets a standing ovation for not showing up with cocaine on her face!
8:08: Jennifer Hudson gets Best R&B award. Boyz II Men didn’t get the statue but they’re just excited to have a roof over their heads for a night. Everybody wins!
8:10: Damn. The Rock smells like shit.
8:10 Justin Timberlake and Al Green doing “Let’s Stay Together” featuring Keith Urban’s surprisingly tasty licks. The Reverend still has flow. No jokes there.
8:21 Damn, Coldplay didn’t send the puppets. This song is called “Lost.” Chris Martin’s outfit is called whaaaaa?
8:23: On SNAP make that “Lost+” because Jigga is onstage! Introducing the first time Jay-Z’s ever received a golf clap.
8:24: “Viva La Vida.” Man, that string section is CRUSHING IT. Wait, there’s no string section? Right.
8:30: Nice guitar solo, Lita Ford.
8:32: Best Country Performance goes to Sugarland. Yay I guess? You know, country and stuff. Face it, “Stay” is a great song, although Sugarland definitely took some liberties with that Lisa Loeb cover.
8:41: Song Of The Year goes to “Viva La Vida,” written by Joe Satriani (Feat. Creaky Boards).
8:45: At least Coldplay aren’t wearing the same outfits they always do, this time they are a slightly modified hue of ridiculous.
8:46: “Guilty of being white.” Kid Rock just made a Minor Threat reference! Not really, but we’re trying to see the good. Trying and also failing.
8:54: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift dueting! We saw their red carpet interview with Ryan Seacrest and they totally don’t hate each other, so just relax guys. You can stop caring so much about this.
8:57: Pop Collaboration With Vocals goes to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, their first win of ALL THE AWARDS.
9:03: Jennifer Hudson gets a standing ovation, which is an appropriate response.
9:09: Can’t wait for that Sully (Feat. T-Pain) joint. More (Feat.) jokes!
9:10: If Stevie could only see all the misery he’s creating.
9:16: Coldplay beats Radiohead for Best Rock Album. I mean obviously, right guys?
9:21: Oh sorry, we blinked and then Blink 182′s reunion was over. Everybody’s back to hating Tom DeLonge again. Travis is much better looking post-helicopter crash than we are ever, so there’s that.
9:23: Katy Perry hits the screen, the keyboards in the Gum liveblog room go crazy.
9:24: Kanye follows the fruit and cleavage show with Estelle and “American Boy.” Everybody’s like who is that girl, we are like Estelle looks like pretty fly in that Hershey Kiss outfit.
9:30: Adele is the latest in a long line of British people taking all our awards tonight what up with that.
9:37: Morgan Freeman summons every last shred of his prowess as an actor in declaring his friendship with Kenny Chesny. Still not buying.
9:40: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss win Record Of The Year, their next in the series of winning ALL THE AWARDS, and depriving all of us of seeing a nine-month pregnant Sri Lankan from walking through the crowd. Now THAT’S (a lost chance at) entertainment.
9:43: Poor Alison never gets to say anything.
9:48: M.I.A.! “Paper Planes” for a second! PRO TIP: Black and white makes you look less pregnant.
9:51: Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Kanye, and T.I.! The new brat pack! Or something! Admit it, even with carrying a human in her belly Maya’s got better moves than you.
9:56: Sir Paul doing “Saw Her Standing There” with Dave Grohl. Coachella ticket sales go up, Ringo’s spirits stay down.
10:05 Jack Black and jazz-bass great Charlie Haden give the Best Male Pop Vocal to John Mayer, beating Ne-Yo and Macca The cameraman registers his discontent by momentariliy disconnecting the live feed.
10:19: Gweyneth Paltrow, sans faux-British accent, introduces Radiohead. This to make up for all the times her husband bit their shit.
10:20: RADIOHEAD! “15 STEPS!” USC MARCHING BAND. This is the part where we stop typing for a minute and actually watch.
10:21: Between the USC marching band jamming with Radiohead, and the Vassar Orkestar playing with Beirut at BAM this weekend, college band geeks are having the best week ever.
10:22: On Thom Yorke: Now that’s how you dance, bitches. That is also how you grow out your hair.
10:24: Well shit that was good. You guys are right, we should really check out this Radiohead band sometime.
10:29: Justin Timberlake joines T.I. on “Dead And Gone.” This is actually pretty tight. Radiohead you can have your glossy marching band, JT and T.I. will take their rhythms bucket-ghettocore style, thanks.
10:36: Oh nice, the president of Recording of the World. I know this speech is somehow directed at me because he said “downloading,” but this speech also is somehow STOP TALKING YOU ARE GOING TO PUT AMERICA TO SLEEP.
10:38: Smokey Robinson looking good! You can’t see the tracks of his tears because the plastic on his face is water-repellent.
10:47: You know what? Fuck Sully.
10:48: OK gather the kids ’round the TV. Neil Diamond on “Sweet Caroline.” This guy is about to show you bitches how it’s done.
10:49: And it’s done by morphing into William Shatner.
10:53: Dead people montage. Lux Interior better be in this.
10:55: Keith Urban, B.B. King, Buddy Guy, and John Mayer trade solos in tribute to Bo Diddley. A couple people up there are mangling the blues, but B.B. still is doing great with diabetes, btw.
11:02: Thicke and Weezy. Lil Wayne is doing it right, Robin is straight groaning pains. (Zing.)
11:10: Lil Wayne wins Best Rap Album for Tha Carter III. But the surprise is how not-insane he is in accepting the award. He dropped the D, Miss Katie.
11:17 T-Bone, Krauss, Plant. aka the winners of ALL THE AWARDS.
11:18: OK you guys. Alison and Robert totally did it. Right?
11:24: And Album Of The Year goes to….
11:25: Robert Plant and Alison Krauss aka the winners of (you get it by now).
11:26: From the wisdom of Mr. Goldenfiddle: “Grammy Tip: If you ever find yourself already waiting backstage when your award is being announced, YOU WIN.”
11:27: God bless you too T-Bone. And you, Green Day. And you, Stevie Wonder. And you guys for making it through the longest Grammys in Grammy history (unverified fact).
This year the Grammys made overtures to hipness, and relevance, and in the end it still was obvious who was going to win ALL THE AWARDS. Hope you had fun with us. We’ll sign off by noting that NARAS has rather incredibly made Stevie Wonder into Grammy sponsor soundtrack AND the 4th Jonas Brother in the same night. That about says it all. See you tomorrow.