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Death Cab For Cutie

Welcome to the Grammys 2009, which promises to be a very special night in which Radiohead will perform with the USC marching band (proof!) and Robert Plant & Alison Krauss will win all the awards. Of course with all the promised performances there will be barely any time to hand out tiny gramophones. So far No Age missed their chance to be the first Smell band to win a Grammy (losing best packaging to Metallica’s terrifying vagina) and Rick Rubin beat Danger Mouse for Best Beard in Music Production. We figure nothing can be as bad as will.i.am last year, but he’s here again this year, so we can’t make any promises. Judging from the pre-event arrivals, M.I.A. might make good on her promise to give birth during her performance of “Paper Planes,” so let’s hurry up and get to this. This year’s special treat: We’ve got Gabe and Lindsay from Videogum over to make with the funny, and we’ll have EXCLUSIVE CONTENT on Twitter. You can’t stop this. This Grammys is REAL:

8:00 And we’re off with … U2′s “Sexy Boots.”

8:04: Well that happened. Not as interesting as Paul McCartney’s dye job.

8:05: Whitney Houston gets a standing ovation for not showing up with cocaine on her face!

8:08: Jennifer Hudson gets Best R&B award. Boyz II Men didn’t get the statue but they’re just excited to have a roof over their heads for a night. Everybody wins!

8:10: Damn. The Rock smells like shit.

8:10 Justin Timberlake and Al Green doing “Let’s Stay Together” featuring Keith Urban’s surprisingly tasty licks. The Reverend still has flow. No jokes there.

8:21 Damn, Coldplay didn’t send the puppets. This song is called “Lost.” Chris Martin’s outfit is called whaaaaa?

8:23: On SNAP make that “Lost+” because Jigga is onstage! Introducing the first time Jay-Z’s ever received a golf clap.

8:24: “Viva La Vida.” Man, that string section is CRUSHING IT. Wait, there’s no string section? Right.

8:30: Nice guitar solo, Lita Ford.

8:32: Best Country Performance goes to Sugarland. Yay I guess? You know, country and stuff. Face it, “Stay” is a great song, although Sugarland definitely took some liberties with that Lisa Loeb cover.

8:41: Song Of The Year goes to “Viva La Vida,” written by Joe Satriani (Feat. Creaky Boards).

8:45: At least Coldplay aren’t wearing the same outfits they always do, this time they are a slightly modified hue of ridiculous.

8:46: “Guilty of being white.” Kid Rock just made a Minor Threat reference! Not really, but we’re trying to see the good. Trying and also failing.

8:54: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift dueting! We saw their red carpet interview with Ryan Seacrest and they totally don’t hate each other, so just relax guys. You can stop caring so much about this.

8:57: Pop Collaboration With Vocals goes to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, their first win of ALL THE AWARDS.

9:03: Jennifer Hudson gets a standing ovation, which is an appropriate response.

9:09: Can’t wait for that Sully (Feat. T-Pain) joint. More (Feat.) jokes!

9:10: If Stevie could only see all the misery he’s creating.

9:16: Coldplay beats Radiohead for Best Rock Album. I mean obviously, right guys?

9:21: Oh sorry, we blinked and then Blink 182′s reunion was over. Everybody’s back to hating Tom DeLonge again. Travis is much better looking post-helicopter crash than we are ever, so there’s that.

9:23: Katy Perry hits the screen, the keyboards in the Gum liveblog room go crazy.

9:24: Kanye follows the fruit and cleavage show with Estelle and “American Boy.” Everybody’s like who is that girl, we are like Estelle looks like pretty fly in that Hershey Kiss outfit.

9:30: Adele is the latest in a long line of British people taking all our awards tonight what up with that.

9:37: Morgan Freeman summons every last shred of his prowess as an actor in declaring his friendship with Kenny Chesny. Still not buying.

9:40: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss win Record Of The Year, their next in the series of winning ALL THE AWARDS, and depriving all of us of seeing a nine-month pregnant Sri Lankan from walking through the crowd. Now THAT’S (a lost chance at) entertainment.

9:43: Poor Alison never gets to say anything.

9:48: M.I.A.! “Paper Planes” for a second! PRO TIP: Black and white makes you look less pregnant.

9:51: Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Kanye, and T.I.! The new brat pack! Or something! Admit it, even with carrying a human in her belly Maya’s got better moves than you.

9:56: Sir Paul doing “Saw Her Standing There” with Dave Grohl. Coachella ticket sales go up, Ringo’s spirits stay down.

10:05 Jack Black and jazz-bass great Charlie Haden give the Best Male Pop Vocal to John Mayer, beating Ne-Yo and Macca The cameraman registers his discontent by momentariliy disconnecting the live feed.

10:19: Gweyneth Paltrow, sans faux-British accent, introduces Radiohead. This to make up for all the times her husband bit their shit.

10:20: RADIOHEAD! “15 STEPS!” USC MARCHING BAND. This is the part where we stop typing for a minute and actually watch.

10:21: Between the USC marching band jamming with Radiohead, and the Vassar Orkestar playing with Beirut at BAM this weekend, college band geeks are having the best week ever.

10:22: On Thom Yorke: Now that’s how you dance, bitches. That is also how you grow out your hair.

10:24: Well shit that was good. You guys are right, we should really check out this Radiohead band sometime.

10:29: Justin Timberlake joines T.I. on “Dead And Gone.” This is actually pretty tight. Radiohead you can have your glossy marching band, JT and T.I. will take their rhythms bucket-ghettocore style, thanks.

10:36: Oh nice, the president of Recording of the World. I know this speech is somehow directed at me because he said “downloading,” but this speech also is somehow STOP TALKING YOU ARE GOING TO PUT AMERICA TO SLEEP.

10:38: Smokey Robinson looking good! You can’t see the tracks of his tears because the plastic on his face is water-repellent.

10:47: You know what? Fuck Sully.

10:48: OK gather the kids ’round the TV. Neil Diamond on “Sweet Caroline.” This guy is about to show you bitches how it’s done.

10:49: And it’s done by morphing into William Shatner.

10:53: Dead people montage. Lux Interior better be in this.

10:55: Keith Urban, B.B. King, Buddy Guy, and John Mayer trade solos in tribute to Bo Diddley. A couple people up there are mangling the blues, but B.B. still is doing great with diabetes, btw.

11:02: Thicke and Weezy. Lil Wayne is doing it right, Robin is straight groaning pains. (Zing.)

11:10: Lil Wayne wins Best Rap Album for Tha Carter III. But the surprise is how not-insane he is in accepting the award. He dropped the D, Miss Katie.

11:17 T-Bone, Krauss, Plant. aka the winners of ALL THE AWARDS.

11:18: OK you guys. Alison and Robert totally did it. Right?

11:24: And Album Of The Year goes to….

11:25: Robert Plant and Alison Krauss aka the winners of (you get it by now).

11:26: From the wisdom of Mr. Goldenfiddle: “Grammy Tip: If you ever find yourself already waiting backstage when your award is being announced, YOU WIN.”

11:27: God bless you too T-Bone. And you, Green Day. And you, Stevie Wonder. And you guys for making it through the longest Grammys in Grammy history (unverified fact).

This year the Grammys made overtures to hipness, and relevance, and in the end it still was obvious who was going to win ALL THE AWARDS. Hope you had fun with us. We’ll sign off by noting that NARAS has rather incredibly made Stevie Wonder into Grammy sponsor soundtrack AND the 4th Jonas Brother in the same night. That about says it all. See you tomorrow.

Comments (348)
  1. Al---2  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    The Coldplay performance wasn’t so bad. OK, better than the shrill Underwood performance, if that means anything.

  2. capri  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    i find the commercials more riveting than these crap performances so far!

  3. jb  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Coldplay has been wearing that retarded Les Mis crap since they started promoting the album

  4. Those jackets are too gay for Elton John. Touche Coldplay touche

  5. g-wog  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Is Joe Satriani picking up the award after the show?

  6. It was cool that the drummer kind of made fun of their outfits. +1 for Coldplay.

  7. whitney was a bit off…don’t know if substances were involved.
    general store? c’mon
    so far Radiohead is MIA..
    pun intended.

  8. Kid Rock = Bathroom break.

  9. capri  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    oh gawd!!! kid rock! wtf! pee time!!!

  10. AL---2  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    I love how Duffy just fucking monopolizes the presentation with Al Green. I knew she was worthless, but it’s nice to see her further proving me right.

  11. If it wasn’t for the Grammy’s I never would have heard this Kid Rock song. This song could solve the crisis in the Middle East. Are you listening Obama?

  12. St. Nico  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Kid Rock is preforming, shouldn’t he busing tables at a Denny’s somewhere?

  13. Kid Rock wears his sunglasses at night

  14. I don’t think Coldplay’s Viva La Vida was live, didn’t seemed like it. And YES, they admitted to the Sgt. Pepper’s thing. Let’s give it a rest… can’t believe they didn’t change into real clothes.

    Gee, why is Kid Rock still around.. and singing gospel-like music nonetheless!

  15. 3313  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    its a kid rock redneck medley

  16. kerry  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    kid rock made me change the channel to tune into the pregnant man documentary on TLC.

  17. justin  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    50 minutes in and they finally mention radiohead

  18. Ross  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Justin Timberlake: “Did I mention I’m from Memphis? That’s where negro music is from! Does this make me black yet? Please say it does!”

    I can’t wait to see Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift perform together. For the first time! Like, ever! Woah!

  19. g-wog  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Will Chris Brown be performing the “Doublemint Gum” jingle live tonight?

  20. This feels like a SNL skit about the Grammy’s.

  21. Zach Payne  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    I have a boner

  22. BAAHAHAAHHA did anyone else dig the static that blasted in on Miley and Taylor?!
    Cus I loved it.

  23. Mike  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Good thing for Hannah Montana that this duet isn’t a competition.

  24. Taylor Swift and Miley Cirus = ratings just went up +10 million teenagers.

  25. Dear Miley Cyrus,

    Closing you eyes when you sing does not make you sound better, It also doesn’t make you cool. Only cocaine does that, try some now. Nice fake twang BTW.

    Yours truly, The World

  26. topher  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    I can’t believe they finally performed together. Finally.

  27. miley sounded terrible. taylor sounded great.

  28. capri  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    i think i felt a love spark between those two!

  29. Robert  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Fifteen by Taylor Swift is such a good song. Take away Miley Cyrus and you’ve got a classy performance. I know it’ll be knew to alot of stereogum readers. I didn’t know Taylor Swift music, but I’m dating a girl from South Carolina.

    • g-wog  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

      I read this post and went cross-eyed.

      I honestly don’t know where to start, but if you see your brain synapses anytime soon, tell them to stop firing randomly.

  30. Plant & Krauss will win Album. Calling it now.

  31. What a surprise the (awse) old people win!!! That never happens.

  32. they finally started winning all the awards!

  33. Watching Mr. Robert Plant reminded me that someone should build a site reminding aging rock stars that just because you stuck to a certain look while you were popular, does not mean you have to wear it the rest of your life.

    He doesn’t look too bad, but think of The Cure’s Robert Smith for a second.

  34. Jennifer Hudson is one classy lady.

  35. Al----2  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    “Don’t worry Allison, you don’t have to speak now, were giving you 12 more Grammys tonight.”

  36. Ross  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Do you think when Plant and Krauss were making that album (which is a damned good piece of work, AOR though it may be), they were sitting around in the downtime between takes, and Plant is like, “So we’re in this hotel room, right? And we’ve got this shark…”

    Taylor was a’ight. Miley was scrunchy.

  37. Ruben  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    YES!!, I literally jumped out of my bed when Robert Plant & Alisson Krauss won..
    I turned on my computer and started writing here.
    I’m still more excited than even they are!

    Still, I want Radiohead to win album of the year. Is this too much to ask?!

  38. topher  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    who is sully sullenberger performing with?

  39. Ross  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    More boring band than Coldplay: Death Cab.

    Now watch the boho hordes descend upon me.

  40. “9:03: Jennifer Hudson gets a standing ovation, which is an appropriate response.”

    Pretty much everyone gets a standing ovation at the Grammys! That’s what they are all about: self-indulgence.

    • Friend  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

      I think he was referring to the fact that she went through a big family/murder crisis (I dont know the details) about a month ago. Heavy shit, man.

      • Yeah, her mother, brother, and nephew were all murdered by her sister’s boyfriend. Pretty major stuff. She’s been out of the public eye for months now since the incident, hence the standing ovation.

  41. Oh Hell yes! Jonas Brothers Time! the highlight of the grammy’s for sure.

  42. Oh Stevie Wonder, yoooooou’re not a Jonas Brother.

  43. WHY
    WHY
    WHY
    WHY

  44. how embarrasing would it be to be in the horn section for the JoBro’s? Not to mention how Stevie Wonder is feeling right now….”COME ON STEVIE!!”

  45. This Jonas Brothers/Wonder performance is something tweens, pedophiles, and blind black people can all agree is awesome!

  46. Ruben  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Stevie Wonder USING AUTOTUNE?

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I absolutely HATE the Jonas Brothers. CORPORATE FILTH!!!!

  47. That one Jonas Brother next to Wevie Stonder tried to turn into a werewolf or something.

  48. St. Nico  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Everything Else > Hanson > Jonas Brothers

  49. Sean  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    808s & Sexually Confused Teenagers

  50. Every time they yell “STEVIE!” a lolcat cries

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