The Star-Whackers Choose Their Latest Target: Susan Sarandon

By Gabe Delahaye / April 24, 2012

The Star-Whackers, a real secret cabal of international assassins who chase after celebs and make them go nuts that is definitely a real thing for sure, have been pretty quiet ever since Randy and Evi Quaid blew up their spot big time. It’s tough managing a covert ring of highly-skilled (although apparently not that skilled since Randy and Evi Quaid are still alive to the best of my understanding, UNLESS the Star-Whackers killed them and replaced them with look-alikes until the dust settles?) with so much attention focused on you, so it’s only natural that the Star-Whackers would try and keep things low-key until the Randy and Evi Quaid storm blew over. (Naturally, Randy and Evi Quaid, already targets of the Star-Whackers, are now what is called “Super Targets.”) But that’s the other thing about the Star-Whackers: they whack stars. They can only remain dormant for so long before another star needs a whacking. Their latest victim appears to be Susan Sarandon. I know, right? From ONTD:

During a Sunday Q&A session at the Tribeca Film Festival, Sarandon and documentary filmmaker Michael Moore were asked by an audience member if they believe the government has them under surveillance.

“We know we’re under surveillance,” Sarandon, 65, said according to the Daily Mail. “I’ve had my phone tapped.” She added, “I was denied a security clearance to go to the White House and I don’t know why.”

You were denied a security clearance to go to the White House because what if you got Star Whacked in the oval office? That would be terrible for Barack Obama. (There are three things you learn when you are sworn in as president: the secrets of Area 53, where the Presidents’ Book of Secrets is kept, and that the Star Whackers are real.) Or even worse, what if a trigger happy Star Whacker accidentally murders the President when he or she is trying to murder Susan Sarandon? No. It’s best for everybody if you just put tinfoil on your head and move to Canada. Good luck!