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Are You Doing Anything Special For The Purge This Year?!

By Gabe Delahaye / June 7, 2013 - 11:45 am

There is a horror movie starring Ethan Hawke that comes out today called The Purge. This is not a Sponsored Post, I literally could not care less whether you see this movie or not. You know when people say that they have “no dog in this fight”? I’m not even going to the fight in the first place! I hate horror movies. Too scary. Hahha. It’s true, though. My body is not a temple or anything, it’s a Knights of Columbus Hall at best, but my brain is definitely a library. SHHHHHH. NO FOOD OR DRINK. Anyway, I bring up The Purge because it has a very funny underlying conceit, which is that America is finally back to being the land of happiness and prosperity, with little to no crime or poverty (!!!) but the one bargain we have all made, apparently, to achieve this new-found peace and productive GDP is to set aside one day a year where all emergency services are shut down for 24 hours, and “all crime is legal.” Uh, hey, movie? I just wanted to tell you something real quick. Lean in so I don’t have to yell. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA. Whoops, I yelled anyway, sorry, man! That is the best. I hope in The Purge they show the congressional hearings debating this constitutional amendment, and I hope they show President Louis Guzman, or whatever, signing it into law and handing out the pens as souvenirs. I know, I know, it’s a movie, not SCHOOL, but the logistics of this fundamental conceit do fall apart a little, I think? Is it just me? Is everyone else like, this is a grounded idea that I could see happening in our society, and that’s what makes this movie so scary, because it’s all too possible? Anyway, if The Purge was real though, I would legit go to the Internet’s house and burn it down with all of its servers inside. I would also steal a present for my mom. If The Purge was real, what would you do? Remember, this is a public forum and not an encrypted subset of /b/ chan or whatever. I’m just kidding. Ugh, whoops, I can already tell this was a terrible idea. Now I know how the senators in The Purge felt when they voted overwhelmingly across partisan lines to approve of The Purge!!!!