Time to Rank & File the biggest stories in our world from the past seven days — i.e., the things we would be talking about at the watercooler if we had a watercooler. By now you know an item’s RANK reflects a story’s size, while its BUZZ (thumbs up, or down, or both) reflects its nature. Scroll beneath the image for links to the articles referenced within.

1. R.I.P. Whitney Houston
2, 3 & 6. Grammys 2012 Comment Party!!
4. Bonnaroo 2012 Lineup
5. Premature Evaluation: Sleigh Bells Reign Of Terror
7. Stream Burial Kindred
8. Band To Watch: Doe Paoro
9. The 10 Least Boring Moments From The 2012 Grammys
10. Watch SNL Parody M.I.A., Zooey Deschanel

 
Comments (67)
  1. I loved Justin Vernon’s speech. I get the feeling that a lot of people in that room actually thought they were the best musicians in the world, and it was fun to see him kind of say, no you’re not. And he did that without being a dick. Definitely my favorite part of the show, though that’s not saying all that much.

  2. Was this a little late b/c on indecision on what to do for the buzz column for Whitney? I guess it would be thumbs down b/c it’s bad that she is dead? That would look a little weird, probably handled perfectly.

    Or am I crazy and does this always come out this late?

  3. I couldn’t watch more than 1 minute of that Karmin performance.

    The Burial EP was an extremely delightful surprise. Never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do.

  4. This list needs way more of Jeremy Lin’s linsane music picks. That would linstantly make this list lincredibly better. Linfinitely. It’s linconceivable that you forgot to linclude them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have sexual lintercourse.

    • His buzz is so annoying.

    • I can’t wait until that point, 3-5 games from now, when Baron Davis returns, and is really good, and beats on Lin out for prime minutes, and everyone is like “Oh right shoot. Small sample sizes – they’ll getcha! Nuts. We really wasted our time on that one guy.”

      • “When Baron Davis returns, and is really good” – this is just as unlikely as Lin maintaining his current pace, unless of course you mean “when Baron Davis returns and is really good at wheezing and looking out of shape and having embarrassing barbeque sauce stains on his jersey at a higher rate than any player who isn’t Eddie Curry.”

        • baron wheezing and out of shape on a good team is still going to average over 10 assists and 12 points a night. And whatever, you know you wish you were a member of that Barbecue sauce club.

          • I think your assessment of Baron Davis is pretty generous – the stats are solid, but they’ve been gradually declining the last five years (see: http://espn.go.com/nba/player/stats/_/id/194/baron-davis). And of course I wish I was a member of the Barbecue sauce club! While some dream of being a dominant NBA player, I dream about having some terrible GM give me a max deal and then spending the last six years of it getting gradually more obese and eating hot dogs and smoking cigarettes in the locker room at halftime. A thing of beauty, that.

          • I don’t disagree – I just think that putting your eggs in a basket that has played all of 7 nba games is just the worst. I think the NBA is playing up a lot of the hype themselves to make up for the bad press from the strike.

            yeah, I’m pretty cynical, but the NBA is a corrupt pile of shit these days, and it certainly doesn’t help that my team, the Craptors (see what I did I added a C) will never ever win a thing. By far one of the least rosy franchises in sports.

            Anyways, my very very cynical guess is that the NBA’s publicists saw an opportunity to boost their ratings and are doing a lot of the playing-up themselves. 38 points against the lakers is no easy feat, don’t get me wrong, but c’mon…it DOES happen sometimes, people. Temper your expectations.

          • What makes it so crazy is that he has saved the Knicks season. Two weeks ago they looked like shit and were out of the playoffs. The main reason was that their backcourt was a mess. So not only is Jeremy Lin good, but he is in a situation where he was desparately needed and seems to fit in perfectly. No one is putting all their eggs in one basket, he is clearly their third best player. They just desperately needed a point guard. Plus he’s Asian, went to Harvard, and playing in the biggest sports market in the world. His stats will come back to earth but 7 straight games as good as he has had does mean something. I think he is really good.

            This is why as far as Asian NBA players go, Yi Janlian is still a much better Lana Del Rey comparison.

          • Eh, he’s been good for just 7 games though…because it’s a shortened season it’ll have a huge impact. But I could be wrong about him. He’s also a New York athlete, so the hype machine works overtime, which makes me even more cynical. Its not fair, New Yorkers. You’re even taking hockey away from us. The Rangers are not supposed to be good!!

  5. Beach Boys – Frightened and confused. Maybe Stereogum should write the next “Smile” or “Pet Sounds” then.

  6. I mis-read that part in the Grammy section as “Boner-Friendly singer-songwriters”

    Can you be sure YOUR singer-songwriter is bona fide Boner-Friendly ?

    Is Bon Iver bona fide Boner-Friendly

    • Considering the role looks tend to play in the music business, especially more mainstream music, and especially for female musicians, uh yeah, that actually works pretty well!

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • oh man, mangled chode is totally your nickname now

    • Is your mangled chode Boner-Friendly ?

    • “i can’t this rubber on my mangled chode!” – Johnny

    • Can I just say that, for once, I actually agree with rubberjohnny?

      There were long stretches…a decade pretty much, where seriously nobody gave a mangled chode about her or her crack use or her voice or her loser husband. This is because she grew up to a wealthy entertainment family, was given a leg up on every poor goddamn soul in this universe. The world said “we will give this lady, this ‘Whitney Houston,’ every possible chance to be successful. We will give her literally every single advantage a person can be given in this planet maybe save for special powers.” And not only did she throw it all away, but she threw it all away in such spectacular fashion that to celebrate and idolize her and her life choices is insane. You know who made it through terrible life choices with an incredible voice, albeit a closet full of demons, relatively unscathed if not looking better than ever? Poor fucking Meat Loaf. You know who gives a shit about Meat Loaf? Nobody.

      Seriously, shut up about Whitney Houston, everybody. Come on. It’s ridiculous. Rubberjohnny, I give you the gift of: “Support.” Use it wisely.

      • Never thought I’d see the day I’d be defending Whitney. Okay, granted she was from a well-to-do & connected family, but that alone does not guarantee success. Remember LaToya? Fact is, she had an amazing voice in her heyday and played a big part in many peoples lives. Her life choice decisions (albeit tragic) were hers. You probably remember Hendrix as someone who had asphyxiated in his own vomit than the guitar legend he was. Stop being so quick to judge.

        • You’re missing my point. Why should I care about Whitney Houston? What are you defending…that I owe her something? She died. Everyone dies.

          • Don’t care if you don’t – Just don’t begrudge that others do.

          • I do begrudge though, because it’s publicized grief – the very worst, most annoying kind of grief. I don’t begrudge anyone their actual feelings. I mean…I think it’s cray cray to care that much about a complete stranger, but by all means if you have genuine emotions, go ahead and feel them. The last thing I would do is begrudge someone their feelings.

            Definitely though, Whitney Houston of all people doesn’t deserve an outpouring of postmortem support, is what I’m saying.

      • yep, i’m with freshie/mangled chode on this one. not to be a cold-hearted bastard, but i care about whitney’s death approximately as much as i would if, say, carrie underwood had died. which isn’t a whole lot. i’ll offer up a general but genuine “that’s sad” and let condescending wonka express my remaining thoughts:

      • okay, I agree that all of the overblown sentiment and her sudden elevation to untouchable legend is very annoying, but its kind of inevitable with any celebrity death. can’t we at least give it a week before the backlash kicks in?

        also, I do to give a shit about Meat Loaf

        • it’s not backlash. It’s a plea to move on. She wasn’t your relative. You should give Meat Loaf a call before it’s too late to say “I care about you.” You’ll regret it when he can’t do anything for love anymore (except for you know what)

          • your making it seem like people are way more hung up on her death than they actually are, the majority of the reactions ive seen from people on this site has been “oh, bummer man” so that above paragraph just kind of seems unwarranted.

            I dont know, im tired. Let me sleep on it

          • Its internet commenting, there’s no need to sleep on internet comments, just write and whatever comes out will be beautiful but definitely check your grammar first.

            Anyways “bummer, man” is a perfectly fine reaction in type, or by voice. That’s not at all what I’m referring to.

      • She meant something to some people at some point in their lives. Death is always sad, you don’t have to constantly and consistently care loads about a particular singer to be saddened by their death. It’s also sad because it’s so typical – it’s like Amy Winehouse too. Someone gets into trouble, and never recovers, even though it looks like they might. It’s not just the death, it’s the lack of redemption in that person’s own life. To make it ok again people have to overcompensate with their outpouring of emotion – to justify the death almost, to redeem the deceased where they themselves couldn’t, or wouldn’t. It’s been happening since Greek times, it’s not gonna go away [via The Oresteia].

      • Soo…you won’t be watching Whitney’s televised funeral tomorrow? You’re going to miss out on all the “will always live in our hearts” “…a tragic death” “…music’s biggest voice” talk from other forgotten celebs. I’m betting on at least one Jackson being there. And probably Chris Brown…just cause.

        • Oh, the Jacksons will be there alright. I wonder what the televised funeral will be like when the first Jersey Shore celebrity drops off. My guess it’s it’ll be snookie, and my guess is it will be sooner than later, and my guess is that if C-Span televised Congress debating interplanetary politics with Aliens dropping by from Alpha Centauri, Snookie’s funeral would still garner higher ratings.

          • the “let me sleep on it” was a Meat Loaf pun, I should probably be less obscure when dealing with pop stars who were popular 20 years ago

          • I don’t know how I missed that. I bought that album from Columbia House when I was 12.

            (Correction: Columbia House mailed it to me anyways because I didn’t check the box that said “Don’t mail me these 12 CDs)

          • oh shit, snookie died?

            well in that case…

            SHE WAS ONE THE GREATEST TALENTS TO EVER WALK AMONG US. I REALLY DID COME OF AGE WITH HER DELIGHTFUL ANTICS. R.I.P SWEET BABY PRINCESS WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU :(

            [Ben Cornell now likes "Snookie" on Facebook]

      • I was about to argue against your point, but then I remembered when Steve Jobs died.

        • When Steve Jobs died, I don’t think I ever wanted to punch more people harder in my life.
          “I FUCKING LOVE PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE AND ALSO I’M A BIG FAN OF BEING ADVERTISED PRODUCTS THAT ARE WAY MORE EXPENSIVE AND HAVE HARDWARE THAT IS WAY MORE ADVANCED THAN ANYTHING I COULD POSSIBLY REQUIRE FOR WEB BROWSING AND SOMETIMES USING PHOTOSHOP TO PRETEND I’M A GRAPHIC DESIGNER. R.I.P a great man!” – So many people.

          “Yeah well you gotta respect him for being a good businessman and designer!” – lots of people
          “Ha ha ha ha you are an idiot and you love snake oil.” – me

      • And yet you managed to express your feelings respectfully without using the words “mangled” and “choad”.

      • In a past thread I favored the idea “just let people do what they do” and don’t get bent out of shape about it. If you come across people who want to get attention by feigning grief over some celebrity just let it be. They’ll feel embarrassed eventually, on the inside.

        But then I walked by a television yesterday and saw the local news teasing their live coverage of the fucking funeral. I guess I didn’t really have a pulse on just how crazy people were going over Whitney’s death. I don’t blame individual people for going over the line with their made-up grief because that seems to be human nature (the unfortunate part of it, anyway). But when flags are flying at half-mast and the news starts treating it like a holiday, that’s when things have gone too far. I would have never dreamed that her death would still be so front-and-center almost a week later.

        Also, perhaps rubberjohnny’s mangled chode is the source of his “shocking” nature. Gotta make up for it one way or another, I guess. Long live, mangled chode.

    • “what’s the deal with the whitney houston buzz? she hasn’t been relevant in years.”

      You mean like Goblin? :)

    • It’s just truly impressive someone can get this many downvotes this consistently without resorting to any racism/homophobia/sexism. Rubberjohnny’s skill at saying odious things while refraining from being genuinely offensive is to be applauded, or perhaps, studied.

    • Whitney Houston bombastically sang some of the schmaltziest songs of all time. In the late 80s and early 90s you couldn’t escape that hideous song about the children being the future. I think I saw it performed by self indulgent girls in talent shows and assemblies at school six times in one year. And then there was “I Will Always Love You”.

      I think the fascination with her the last couple weeks has been more about her tabloidy lifestyle and demise, because everyone knows her music was terrible.

  8. There’s a part of me that feels like Doe Paoro isn’t actually a musician but an elaborate prank pulled on us by 4chan or something.

    • something happened, and it was scary, and i didn’t care for it. NOT ONE BIT.

      • Hey great comment Donnytilla and Old Thompson your original comment was reminiscent of a cool winter’s breeze LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE SHOOT I’M BROKEN LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HELP I”M INSIDE THE MACHINE LOVE LOVE LOVE TELL MY WIFE I’M SORRRRRR :) :) :) :) :) :)

    • We got linked to from her Facebook so all the fans came by to say HEY.
      Apparently she did a great cover of “So Emotional” at Glasslands the other day. I would like to hear that.

  9. Hello??? Diplo/Usher – Climax….anyone?

    • Agreed – this oversight is a travesty considering this track just fucking floats…. i can’t stop. iTunes listed its play count as “cray” ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

      because it has so many plays – right?

  10. On Repeat:

    Usher “Climax”
    Screaming Females “It All Means Nothing”

    Listened to it once and probably won’t listen again:

    Reign Of Terror

    • Translation: Reign of Terror is a concept album based on Usher’s repeated climax with an empathetic group of screaming females.

  11. So this is what it feels like…when doves cry.

  12. And eyyyyyyyeeeeeee yeeee eyyyyeeeee will always play viddddeeeyyyyyoooogameeess.

  13. Honestly, I thought The Civil Wars stole the show.
    Hands down….

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.

%s1 / %s2