A charming tidbit from Lefsetz:

There are TOO MANY categories. If you can?t get nominated for a Grammy, you?re not a musician. Cut the list. Make it MANAGEABLE, make it MEAN something.

And create new categories. Most E-Mailed track. Most TRADED track. Just put in SOMETHING hip, SOMETHING to acknowledge the sea change in the music universe.

As for the show, turn it into a train-wreck.

As for the show, turn it into a train-wreck.

Yes, the Grammys must lose their dignity, like every other asshole who thought they were sitting on high before the Net showed they were wearing no underpants, LITERALLY in the case of Britney Spears.

The show’s got to open with a reuniting of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Yup, they’ve got to come out holding hands. Or approach each other from each side of the stage and then KISS!

And then Britney’s got to give Kevin a humanitarian award, or a lifetime achievement award or something. Something that actually SEEMS real, but isn’t. DON’T start with ANY song. Remember, the most memorable opening for the MTV Music Video Awards was Pee Wee Herman after he stroked his weenie.

And then you had RuPaul and Milton Berle. And their famous exchange. Pair up Paris Hilton and Donald Rumsfeld. Have her talk about taking him out partying.

Do a remote to some college dorm room. Akin to those Hampshire College episodes they used to have on SNL. Hell, get Tina Fey to write a skit.

And how about a filmed piece, a PARODY, like the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe with Billy Ray Cyrus dressing up in a tux, thrilled that his daughter Miley is gonna win Album of the Year for her “Hannah Montana” disc.

Why NARAS is truly fucked? You can’t even speak hyperbolically about the Grammys without sounding like you’re making realistic suggestions!