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I always "accidentally" unplug my headphones while listening to "This American Life." Just like I always "accidentally" start talking about fixed-gear bikes and new music whenever walking by a hot babe in skinny jeans.

I'm not proud of the story I'm about to tell... For Christmas, my sister gave me a copy of The Game: A Guide to Being the Worst because we always talked about it and how terrible it is but I'd never read it and she's like haha funny ironic Christmas gift. Now, I'm okay at meeting women. I have a nice-guy awkward charm kinda thing. Also I have a beard and wear shirts with puppies on them. But my flirting style is much different than what they tell you to do in that garbage pile of a book. Mainly because I'm not a garbage pile of a person. Anyway, a few weeks ago I was at a bar and flirting with this girl and she was really bizarre so I decided to try a few techniques the book recommends and, ugh, it totally worked. Ugh.

Real Housewives: now literally beating a dead horse.

Thirded.

Nick Madson, is that you?!?!

No way dude. This is my parking job http://missionmission.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/ksvhl.jpg

Au contraire, iantenna. Au contraire. http://missionmission.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/desecrate-your-body-get-free-burritos-for-life/

Have you even listened to the new Liars album, Gabe? It's pretty great, okay?!

"Golden Grilled, just the way I like it."

I had no problem masturbating to this video. SEE YOU GUYS IN JAAAAAAAIIIIILLLLL!

In the dorms at my college (yup, COLLEGE) there was a bird that would hang out outside the dining hall and attack (read: fly at and nip) people as they tried to enter. Also, one summer I went backpacking in Europe (yup, I'm white and middle-class) and on my first night in Paris a bird shit on my head. In Paris, even the birds are assholes. On a final note, I live in San Francisco so, even if I were chosen (which DUH I'M GOING TO BE YOU GUYS WERE AT THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS!), I couldn't attend. I just thought it'd be nice to share my bird stories and have you guys be all "that's so raven!" (ugh.)

That's the thing about Richards, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

This movie made me green with barf.

BAY AREA REPRESENT! I plan to go to Serra Bowl in Daly City with my laptop, fire up ol' videogum, get a lane to myself and have THE BEST NIGHT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!

I'm a teenage girl bird in love with a man who loves me but will also violently lash out at any second. MLIT.

I was so dumbfounded by this dialogue that I looked into it, and it seems like Big Mike DID take a psychological test that gave him these results. HOWEVER, the movie frames it as though this result came from the same test that tested his math and reading skills and that EVERYBODY takes a test that gives you your "protective instinct" score. Which = nope.

It seemed pretty clear to me that they were referencing a section on the test. Probably the one where they throw baseballs at children and you have to block them.

Ok, I wrote this before I finished reading the post. But srsly guys, where the fuck can I take that test?

Actual dialogue from The Blind Side: Teacher: Big Mike's test scores are so low. Third percentile in math, fourth percentile in reading. But in one area, his scores are through the roof. He scored in the 98th percentile for protective instincts! WHAT?! WHERE DID HE TAKE THIS PROTECTIVE INSTINCTS TEST?!

"I make really great decisions... Look at me, making great decisions... I continue to make incredibly well thought out and great decisions... No regrets here, only great decisions."

Not so fast, Capu Flapu.

BEST PICTURE - The Hurt Locker ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE - Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE - Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - Mo’Nique, Precoius: Based On The Novel ‘Push’ By Sapphire DIRECTOR - Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker SCREENPLAY (ORIGINAL) - The Hurt Locker, Mark Boal SCREENPLAY (ADAPTED) - Up In The Air, Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner ANIMATED FEATURE FILM - Up MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG) - “Down IN New Orleans,” Randy Newman for The Princess & The Frog MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE) - Avatar, James Horner ART DIRECTION -Avatar, Art Direction: Rick Carter and Robert Stromberg, Set Decoration: Kim Sinclair CINEMATOGRAPHY -Avatar, Mauro Fiore COSTUME DESIGN -Coco before Chanel, Catherine Leterrier DOCUMENTARY (FEATURE) -The Cove, Nominees to be determined DOCUMENTARY (SHORT SUBJECT) -The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner, Daniel Junge and Henry Ansbacher EDITING -The Hurt Locker, Bob Murawski and Chris Innis FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM -The White Ribbon (Germany) MAKEUP -Star Trek, Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow ANIMATED (SHORT) -Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty, Nicky Phelan and Darragh O’Connell LIVE ACTION SHORT -Miracle Fish, Luke Doolan and Drew Bailey SOUND EDITING -Avatar, Christopher Boyes and Gwendolyn Yates Whittle SOUND MIXING -Avatar, Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson and Tony Johnson VISUAL EFFECTS -Avatar, Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R. Jones I definitely won. I'm an expert.

Inglourious Hamsters

You get a bar (of chocolate)! And YOU get a bar (of chocolate)! Everyone gets a bar (of chocolate)!!

He's really making us guys with beards look like complete assholes.

The question isn't What was Lost, but WHEN was Lost.

Beat me to the punch, Nate Scott! It's ok though, we can share. This punch is delicious!

I just recently watched two movies by the Duplass brothers: Baghead and The Puffy Chair. Both are fun little indie films (Baghead a horror comedy and The Puffy Chair a road-trip romance) that are definitely worth checking out.

He did it for me! Because we've been SEEING each other for so long! (Get it?!)

Read above comment about my blowjob. Art imitates life or whatever.

Then his life is changed with The Shins' "New Fang"

I remember hating this movie. I also remember getting a blowjob during this movie. (So sorry. For everything. Literally, everything.)

As of February, Weezy will most likely be spending the next year in prison for gun charges. And if there's anything The Wire taught me, it's that people die ALL THE TIME in prison.

Awwwwww! So cute!

I would RSVP, but I don't have a facebook because I'm not a sex offender.

We're gonna need a bigger icicle stabbing me in the head!

Gabe, On behalf of theatre professionals and theatre-goers everywhere, I think you're going to the wrong plays. A lot of stuff is really great and culturally relevant! Sincerely, An Asshole with a Performing Arts Degree

Would you erase me? Yes, but I'd regret it while it's happening and we'd still manage to find each other again.

Before we're all quick to downvote, we have to admit that That One brings up a pretty good point.

The Fasting and the Furious: Tokyatone Drift (Away from Food)