Comments from funke

at 3:52, there’s just a 1-second stationary shot of fred durst taking a nap.

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July 25, 2013 on “New Limp Bizkit Video!”

“Wait wait wait. Who is this bitch?” -Katherine Chloe Cahoon

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July 16, 2013 on Summer Jams 2013: Ms. Voice – “Talk To Me”

Did you guys read the article Gabe linked? It is not a link to the list. It’s an article that takes a list of numbered things and writes it out in paragraph format. It’s sort of a surreal read.

There are ten numbers that start off our counting system. The first is “1,” which is a number that is sometimes considered prime and sometimes not. “1” comes before “2,” which is also a very low number. It’s also the first even number (above “zero,” a number that is also a number but was not on the list of the first ten numbers). Etc.

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June 3, 2013 on It’s Official: The Sopranos Is The Best Show Of All Time

I used to record my dreams on my phone right after I woke up, and then transcribe them later. They’re funnier in groggy voice. This one’s about Todd Glass, whose comedy I’ve never really even gotten into. I think I saw him on a roast once and I’ve heard his WTF. That’s it.

“This one’s very linear. I’m in the parking lot of the strip mall on the corner of Sunset and Vermont. A truck enters with a trailer on its hitch. The trailer comes off with the ramp into the lot. I’m worried that a car on Vermont will hit the hitch, so me, a homeless person, and comedian Todd Glass all join together to pull it into the lot. The homeless guy leaves and I start to leave, when I notice Todd Glass is stealing the hitch for himself (although now it’s more like a baby carriage). I chase him down and jump on his back to get him to stop. But he keeps running, faster and faster, and now he’s like thirty feet tall and I’m worried about getting clotheslined by telephone wires, still on his back. Eventually he returns to normal size and falls down. I try to fight him, but nothing lands. I try to kick him from every angle: forward, backwards like a horse, etc., but nothing works. He says he’s experiencing the same thing—he would kick me, but apparently he can’t. I tell him I’m a fan of his comedy and propose we write together.”

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May 3, 2013 on What Is Your Most Embarrassing Celebrity Dream?

Oh, a condition of almost everything I was saying is that we also carry out our lives on the internet. That’s definitely The Worst and should change, but that’s just as true for “hashtagging in the wake of a tragedy” as it is for, like, “live-tweeting the MTV Movie Awards.”

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April 15, 2013 on Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face Of Real Human Tragedy

Eh, I don’t comment much, but I thought I’d try to address this.

First of all, I think there’s a pretty easy explanation for why people post that they’re praying for Boston. Huge attacks like this are galvanizing. People tend to fall into three categories: 1) those who care deeply and have something novel to add to the conversation 2) those who care deeply and have nothing novel to add to the conversation and 3) those who either are ignorant to what’s happened or don’t care.

People in group 2) don’t want to be confused for people in group 3), as apathy and ignorance are far more destructive than redundant solidarity. But it’s impossible to distinguish between someone who cares but says nothing and someone who doesn’t care. AND WE SHOULD CARE AND WE SHOULD TAKE HEART KNOWING THAT OTHER PEOPLE CARE. That’s, like, the bare minimum of how we should respond. So we come up with hashtags that show that in a tiny, unobtrusive way.

And if the issue is just with praying in general, as I think a few commenters here have said, come on. People pray for the same reason they do everything: something in their lives has reenforced it–not because they totally think they’re calling down wizard spell from God to solve God-created problems. Praying brings people comfort, and knowing other people are praying brings a lot of victims comfort. Quit being a dick about it.

In high school, a friend’s dad died, and I decided at the last minute to go to the funeral, even though I didn’t know him and wasn’t great friends with her. It was one of the first funerals I’d ever been to, and not a lot of people went, and I had it in my head that this poor girl was sick of hearing the same thing from everybody. So when I got to her, I tried to say something clever and off-speed, like, “Mondays, huh?” or some awful shit, hoping to bring a chuckle to a dark situation. She was just like, “okay?” and then I left.

Going was the right move, but I really wish I’d just said “I’m praying for you,” like everybody else.

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April 15, 2013 on Once Again, The Internet Is Completely Useless In The Face Of Real Human Tragedy

the Robert Pattinson Guitar Party was going well until That Guy spotted a cello in the living room and made everyone uncomfortable.

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February 22, 2013 on Sorry, Ladies, But Robert Pattinson Is Totally “That” Guy At The Party

Best Pic: Lincoln
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis
Best Actress: Jen Lawrence
Best Supporting Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway
Best Original Song: Skyfall
Best Animated Feature: Frankenweenie
Best Foreign Film: Amour
Best Director: Spielberg
Best Original Screenplay: Amour
Best Adapted Screenplay: Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography: Skyfall
Best Costume Design: Snow White And Jon Huntsman
Best Documentary: Searching for Sugar Man
Best Doc Short: Innocente
Best Film Editing: Argo
Best Makeup/Hair: The Hobbit
Best Original Score: Life of Pi
Best Production Design: Anna Karenina
Best Short Film (Animated): Paperman
Best Short Film (Live action): Curfew
Best Sound Editing: Zero Dark Thirty
Best Sound Mixing: Les Miserables
Best Visual Effects: Life of Pi

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February 22, 2013 on Enter The Videogum Oscar Pool!