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They sold the RATT LP at the grocery store? Lol, that’s awesome.

You don’t like his music anymore because he’s a dick? Get over it.

 0Posted on Sep 27th | re: Premature Evaluation: Thom Yorke Tomorrow's Modern Boxes (58 comments)

Traveling through space at 293.37246 million billion miles per hour, traveling past star systems and glowing golden suns, comes Radiohead’s latest offering. Discovering a new Radiohead release is like staring into the eyes of Jesus Christ and feeling the eternal stream of love and awe that flows from Him. I might be so bold as to claim that Radiohead is the Jesus Christ of music; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost combined into one small package featuring the limitless talent of Thom Yorke.

So how do I review such an inherently perfect, flawless recording? It would be unfair of me to simply state, “this CD is perfection in the literal sense of the word,” as that would not give such a masterpiece the sufficient praise it deserves. Putting this disc into your stereo and listening to it is like having the saints pee liquid gold into your ears. A beautiful, flowing, melodic wall of sound embraces you like the mother you never had because she was a filthy whore.

Track 1, “Ale A Gator,” opens up with a lush field of melodic vibraphones and marimbas trumpeting the arrival of Thom York’s genius. A glassy string section envelopes the sound field and reminds me of the time I was doing heroin in the middle of Canterbury Park. Finally Yorke’s angelic voice sweeps in, crooning the following incomprehensibly intelligent lyrics:

Ale A Gator, the world is your at your feet
With a gaping mouth and jagged teeth
Your eyes remind me of capitalism (the telephone is ringing)
And your love is love like loving eyes, I will be there for you

Ale A Gator
Ale A Gator
Dragging through your personal hell
Ale A Gator
Ale A Gator
Encrusted jewels and a kissing kill across your gentle forehead

Time for sleep
Time for sleep
Time for sleep
Time for sleep
Gentle Ale A Gator

Such raw, unrelenting beauty caressed my soul like fingertips running across my spine. The power, the genius, the immeasurable talent which escapes from this porous CD can easily overwhelm you without proper preparation. Teams of NASA scientists could spend hundreds of years attempting to discover the meaning behind Thom’s words, but nobody is intelligent enough to properly do so except Thom himself and his alter-ego, Jesus Christ. Perhaps some day they will both do a duet together and we can finally see who’s truly the Son of God.

As for tracks 2-9, I was unable to listen to them as I was so blown away by Radiohead’s sheer power that I beat my CD player into pieces with a rake so it would never be defiled by another, inferior compact disc. I shall review the rest of the album once my dad flies back from the Hamptons and buys me a new SUV to play it in.

 0Posted on Sep 18th | re: Funeral Turns 10 (198 comments)

You’re only 18. There’s a lot of things you haven’t heard.

 -1Posted on Sep 18th | re: Sun Kil Moon: "The War On Drugs Can Suck My Fucking Dick" (67 comments)


 0Posted on Sep 18th | re: Sun Kil Moon: "The War On Drugs Can Suck My Fucking Dick" (67 comments)

Everyone should just be nice to everyone and say nice things all the time.

 -2Posted on Sep 17th | re: Sun Kil Moon: "The War On Drugs Can Suck My Fucking Dick" (67 comments)

Quit your sanctimonious whining. Good lord. The internet is always on some crusade of righteous indignation. Who gives a crap what Mark Kozelek called anyone. He makes great music, I don’t care if he’s an asshole. I prefer my rock stars to be assholes in fact. Nice guys make boring music.

 +6Posted on Sep 11th | re: Premature Evaluation: U2 Songs Of Innocence (144 comments)

Just had to have that “RADIOHEAD” reference in the end there, didn’t you? Like they were the first person ever to just drop an album on our doorsteps with little to no warning.

Way back in 2000 (yes, a whole 14 years ago!) this band called Smashing Pumpkins, maybe you’ve heard of them, release their MACHINA II album for FREE on the internet. No pay what you want. Just free.

 0Posted on Sep 9th | re: The Afghan Whigs Albums From Worst To Best (41 comments)

“Up In It’ is my favorite. Good production, aggressive songs, and consistent the whole way through. ‘Retarded’ and ‘You My Flower’ are incredible.

My list would be:
Up In It
Black Love