Comments from monsterbeard

The original ending of Seven had Morgan Freeman fiddling with a puzzle box just like this one, unable to open it, which is why Brad Pitt keeps screaming “What’s in the box?!” impatiently. True story.

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October 24, 2011 on An Imagined Reaction To Gretchen’s Puzzle Box

“If this movie starred Nick Swardson, all that water would be jizz!”

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September 27, 2011 on The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Argentinian Jack And Jill Poster

Can we all just admit that Scarface is not a good movie? Especially compared to The Godfather, among others. But it is actually a relatively mediocre and somewhat uninteresting film, made even more boring by its constant reference and parody over the years. Yes, “say hello to my little friend,” yes piles and piles of cocaine. I am tired of it.

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September 22, 2011 on Time 2 Update Scarface 3 Tha Kidz

People’s upvotes must be broken because this should have ALL OF THEM!

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September 22, 2011 on Time 2 Update Scarface 3 Tha Kidz

The weirdest thing about that Jack in the Box video is that there’s a guy at the drive thru window and he’s probably sitting there thinking “where are my fucking fries?”

+16 |
September 21, 2011 on Everyone Has To Work It

Real men don’t appear on Two and a Half Men.

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September 20, 2011 on The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Two And A Half Men Season Premiere

This guy broke his nose writing too:

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September 19, 2011 on Aaron Sorkin Broke His Nose While Writing, OBVIOUSLY

Louis CK WAS robbed! Especially in the writing category. Whatevs. I think when Jim Parsons and Melissa McCarthy win over those other talented people that the Emmys can just go fuck themselves. I mean, I loved McCarthy’s speech and sincerity, and I’m glad they don’t pick some rail thin person every year, but they’re picking her and Mike and Molly (fuck that show) over Amy Poehler or Tina Fey, who are HANDS DOWN the funniest women on TV? That’s a fucking joke.

As for Michael Scott, which is actually why I started this comment (phew), I actually think that the reason more people do not feel the way you do (about him being too big and one-note and somewhat unbearable) is because of Steve Carell and his ability to put just enough empathy into Michael Scott that we never leave him. The greatest difference between Michael Scott and David Brent is that Brent is completely and utterly unlovable, while Michael Scott provides the inkling of humanity that gave the show more heart than the British Office ever did. Although whether that makes better or worse TV is not up to me to decide, as the British Office is perfect and the American Office is a different beast altogether.

Sorry for this long comment. It got away from me. TL;DR

+17 |
September 19, 2011 on The 2011 Emmy Awards

“What the hell is Quantum Leap? I’ve never heard of it and it is nothing like Source Code” – CBS exec.

“You bastards!!!!!” – Don P. Bellisario

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September 16, 2011 on CBS Is Developing A Source Code TV Show

To be fair to Bachmann (I guess?), I actually think that conversation probably DID happen. I don’t think Bachmann is so dumb as to think “no one will find out this is insane” but most likely a Bachmann devotee (who, let’s face it, are not the ripest grapes (what?)), actually did come up to her, convinced that a vaccine of some kind had given her child a disability. Think of how long and easily the autism-vaccine myth has persisted. So Bachmann seized on it, knowing that was were she scored the most points against Perry, and spoke without thinking.

Still though, she’s insane.

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September 16, 2011 on And Now The Daily Show Weighs In On The Michele Bachmann HPV Thing

David Arquette still uses AOL because no one has ever invited him to join Gmail.

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September 15, 2011 on Celebrities Use Outdated E-Mail Clients, But WHY?

Spielberg then said “Or take Indy IV. I regret that. All of it.”

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September 15, 2011 on Steven Spielberg Regrets Altering E.T.

Oh man, it was really weird to buy the director’s cut of Donnie Darko, only to discover that the original DVD, and all the original deleted scenes and commentary in bits and pieces still ended up being a superior version. Which shouldn’t make sense, but then you pop in Southland Tales and it kind of does?

But it gets very weird for me when someone loves the theatrical cut of Blade Runner and has never seen the director’s cut and I’m like ‘Whaaaaa?”

Cool story, bro.

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September 15, 2011 on Steven Spielberg Regrets Altering E.T.

My every day goal is one giant “keep out the ‘NOOOOOOs'”

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September 15, 2011 on Steven Spielberg Regrets Altering E.T.

“They think I’m all douched out? That I can’t out-douche myself?! I’ll show them! I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!”

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September 13, 2011 on The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Jeremy Piven Walking His Emmys

“Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

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August 30, 2011 on The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Angelina Jolie Vanity Fair Photoshoot

Hate you so much, facebook login

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August 25, 2011 on Shout Out To The Knox City Booster Club Women

Wait, is this finally the much anticipated backstory for Nearly Headless Nick?

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August 24, 2011 on Could The Woman In Black HAVE A Lazier Tagline?

Flannel Animal has all kinds of paper dolls and he’s a really talented and nice guy, so you should definitely click over and check them out. I mean, you’re not checking them out because he’s a talented and nice guy, but because the dolls are funny. And all your favorite shows (some shows not included)!

I would make the worst publicist.

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August 4, 2011 on Here Are Some Afternoon Links!

Henry Cavill? Psssssh. Call me when there’s a Henry Cabot Lodge Superman.

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August 4, 2011 on The First Look At Henry Cavill As Superman