Simon Spidermonk

Comments from Simon Spidermonk

Thanks for your concern but I've already been. Had my brain scanned and everything. Nothing. I'm gonna have to make another appointment, I guess.
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February 7, 2014 on How Is Everyone’s Day Today?
Once a girl dumped me while we were hanging out at my apartment, then got all confused and offended when I suggested that she should go home.
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February 6, 2014 on The World Keeps On Turning, George Clooney Keeps On Pranking
How would a dove curl up? And how would it get inside your head in the first place? Idiot.
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February 6, 2014 on How Is Everyone’s Day Today?
I have a headache. I'm drinking hibiscus tea and it's not helping. I have to work tonight. I don't want to. Every ten or fifteen minutes I keep coming back to Videogum and just sort of moping around. I hadn't been coming here very often lately, for the last several months, mainly because I haven't been drinking and this place is associated in my mind with drunken posting (sorry about that, by the way), but it was reassuring to know that it still existed. I've had this recurring headache for more than a month now so I know that it doesn't have anything to do with the Death of Videogum but it FEELS like it does. IS THIS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN DOVES CURL UP AND DIE INSIDE YOUR HEAD? All those banana shirt pictures really bummed me out.
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February 6, 2014 on How Is Everyone’s Day Today?
Maybe you had the bucket to draw attention to its lack of eye-eye opossums, as a sort of artistic statement, and the absence of eye-eye opossums from late twentieth century Capitalistic so-called civilization in general? You were a very precocious child, after all.
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February 6, 2014 on A Refuge For Homeless Monsters
Way off-topic but just got home from watching Her and it was amazing. If any movie can make you a better person, this is it. Maybe not MUCH better but at least very, very slightly better. Just wanted to share that (in the dead of night, where no-one will read it) before you all go poof.
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February 5, 2014 on Holy Shit: Gwyneth Paltrow Gives “Helpful Advice” To Busy “Working Moms” Like Herself
The worst thing about all this (for me, because obviously) is that I've been asked multiple times by the charming women of Videogum to marry them (usually as Mr. Tumnus but that still counts) and I always laughed it off like a vain fool, thinking it would never end, and now I'm going to die alone and unloved. My cold, unloved blood is on your hands, SPINMedia!
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February 3, 2014 on Hey Guys, We Have To Talk To You About Something
Not sure what you're trying to say or accomplish with this comment. I had to confront the fact that I'm an alcoholic quite a while ago and after a lot of struggle I've been sober for four months now, and I have to say that your comment is pretty much the least empowering, most discouraging thing I've ever read on the subject. I guess if you've lost someone you care about to addiction and you're trying to deflect some of the blame from that person by depriving them of their free will, then I can see where you're coming from. I guess I can see that. But if I believed for a second that anything you say is true, I'd be fucking toast so, again, what exactly are you trying to accomplish?
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February 3, 2014 on
Dead. Meteorites. Jerry and George are getting together to gripe about why the government isn't doing something about all these damn meteorites. Newman (being a government employee) will bear the brunt of their ire. "Cry Newman! And let slip the dogs of war!" someone will overhear Jerry saying.
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January 30, 2014 on What Is Jerry Seinfeld’s Secret Seinfeld Commercial I Mean Project?!
In our day, if we wanted to see a celebrity meltdown we had to make do with Charlie Sheen. And we were grateful for it! None of this namby-pamby, Frenchy-wussy Shia Laboof nonsense. And when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.
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January 17, 2014 on Here Are Some Morning Links!
For a minute I thought you wrote pubic lice and I immediately pictured Shia tearing off his pubic louse costume and throwing it down in disgust before stomping off.
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January 10, 2014 on Man Retires From Public Life, Is Now Just A Man
My favourite part was his description of what it's like to be on heroin. "And... then you stick an ice cube up your butthole and settle into a hot bath. A hot bath."
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January 8, 2014 on How Was Everyone’s Day Today?
I just listened to the Dead Authors Podcast with William S. Burroughs (aka Kurt Braunohler) the other day and it's definitely one of the greatest things on the internet.
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January 8, 2014 on How Was Everyone’s Day Today?
If you haven't seen The Corporation yet, that one. Should be required viewing for everyone.
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January 8, 2014 on How Was Everyone’s Day Today?
I had a lot of weird dreams last night. I met the women from ABBA and got in an argument over whether their accents were cultural or genetic and then it turned out that they were evil ice aliens here to do experiments on humanity, and that was just a PART of the weirdness. Then I saw the above picture and thought it was a row of giant teeth receding towards the horizon and was like, "Oh shit, THE DREAM HAS BECOME REALITY!"
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January 3, 2014 on Here Are Some Morning Links!
I watched Scrooge, the old 1951 movie with Alastair Sim. It used to be an annual tradition when I was a kid/teenager but I hadn't watched the whole thing in probably twenty years. It remains awesome. I was a bit surprised by how much of it I still remember. Like, the whole last part where Scrooge is suddenly all merry and manic (which is the best part) was preserved almost entirely intact, even down to the intonation of certain lines. It made me realize that I have to be a lot more careful about what I put in my brain. It would truly suck if I only had a few moments to live and some random scene from The Walking Dead started looping in my mind and my last words were "Goddammit, Carl."
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January 2, 2014 on What Movies Did You See During The Holidays?
Not so they'll incinerate her, so they'll stop, in case that wasn't clear. I am not a monster! *elephantmangif*
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November 27, 2013 on How Was Everyone’s Break Today?
When the aliens come to incinerate us, show them that kid.
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November 27, 2013 on How Was Everyone’s Break Today?
You guys are making me feel bad. How many times has he done this song and dance already? I'm calling shenanigans!
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November 27, 2013 on How Was Everyone’s Break Today?
He just survived a meteorite attack, I'm sure he'll be back. On a related note, I wish my muse wasn't so into wasting time. Someone save me from myself.
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November 22, 2013 on Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Top Comments
Holy crap! TUMNUS GOT INTO THE BALL! I was so fixated on the caption contest that it didn't even occur to me that he might. It took almost a year but he finally did it! Alas, having serving the purpose for which the universe had designed him, I'm saddened to report that Mr. Tumnus was flattened by a meteorite during his lunch break. On a positive note, he was eating pizza. It had capicolli and feta on it, so he died with a smile.
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November 22, 2013 on Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Top Comments
Man of Steel: Dark Steel of Knight Man or Man of Steel: Basuptermamann!
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November 21, 2013 on Brainstorming Names For The Batman Vs. Superman Movie
My day is awaiting moderation because I'm a terrorist, apparently.
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November 20, 2013 on How Was Everyone’s Day Today?
Today I spent two hours in the dentist’s chair getting my molar whittled down to a nub so that a crown can be put on it. I put some Doctor Who radio shows on my iPod beforehand, so that I’d have something other than dentistry to focus on, but after a couple of minutes I realized that aliens doing weird alien things is the worst possible thing to listen to while a bright light is shining in your eyes and some dark silhouette is wrist deep in your face. So I switched to The Shepherd’s Dog by Iron & Wine and it gave me an idea for a music review column or podcast or something called From The Dentist’s Chair, because you hear music in a totally different way when your teeth are being drilled. For instance, I never picked up on the sinister undertones of that album before. It felt a bit like being trapped in a cellar with some madman who won’t stop whispering his poetry into your ear no matter how much you put your finger to your lips and mime shushing while gesturing wildly with your other hand at the cellar door beyond which lies a world of zombies. Kind of relaxing, but kind of not. I’d give it a 7 from the dentist’s chair. (In my imaginary podcast, you’d hear the sound of a drill now, and maybe maniacal laughter.) Then I switched to R Plus Seven by Oneohtrix Point Never which is surprisingly great tooth whittlin’ music. A lot of it sounds like repurposed dental machinery – or at least it does when combined with the sound of actual dental machinery in your mouth – so I experienced this transcendent moment in which everything was part of the music, like Bjork in that movie, before she gets hanged (spoilers). It was kind of all worth it for that moment. Unfortunately, the album is too soft and atmospheric in places and doesn’t adequately cover the sound of drilling. It gets an 8 from the dentist’s chair (brrzzz, muahaha). Now my mouth hurts.
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November 20, 2013 on How Was Everyone’s Day Today?
A slow day for spiderfires. We must be doing something right. I'll whip up some pamphlets on spiderfire prevention over the weekend and maybe we can keep this streak going. Good job, everyone. Go team!
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November 14, 2013 on Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Top Comments
Also, I just bought the Kindle edition of your book. Not everyone understands the dangers posed by spiderfires as well as you do. So... great birthday or GREATEST birthday? I think it's after midnight in Videogum time, which means your birthday is over. Which means... *sploosh* Had to do it. It was, like, right in the corner of your mouth. Driving me nuts. Excelsior! *whoosh*
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November 14, 2013 on How Was Everyone’s Day Today?